Malcolm
Looking In
The more time that passes the more my mind tells me completing the DNA test was a mistake. It would’ve been less stressful if we hadn’t known. It would’ve been an easier pill to swallow if the story we heard all these years was indeed accurate. I think we had already made peace with that story and with this reality it’s a little different. Although my dad’s father may have passed away it’s still a lot to process. It’s accepting we won’t have answers. It’s accepting that we are at the family’s mercy. It’s accepting that we will never get to experience him for ourselves and possibly only hear stories and memories from others through their perspectives of him.
Late Night Chronicles
Dad: “Well Shad, I’d hope that they have a heart because it sounds like he had a heart.”
Me: Not as optimistic “uh huh”
I told him that I noticed another one of the sisters was on the Ancestry DNA portal last week. I did not send a message to her initially because someone in connection to them had already responded to me. When I log on the DNA matches are right in front of my face. I can’t help but wonder if they see me in their matches and are curious as to who I am. Or if they aren’t even phased by the possibility that I am a close relative of theirs.
Hoping my dad is correct. Truly.
Rabbit hole
So much for being brave… 😆
The day I posted that, I got a Reddit notification from the Ancestry DNA subreddit which shot that confidence down. The post said it would’ve been better off if they hadn’t taken the test and found their birth dad. Turns out he completely abandoned the guy at 2 years old and did not die in Vietnam. Raised several other children and was a phenomenal dad.
I think that’s part of my fear as well. I fear being rejected. It’s already slightly happened. One of the half sisters didn’t bother to respond to my message but two did. I think my 1st message could’ve been better though. I was a bit abrupt and insensitive but I think I panicked honestly. I saw the matches and recognized no one and just let impulse take over. I didn’t stop to think how weird this might be for them and I never thought about a scenario where we would be at the mercy of family. Out of the two who responded, only one took the time out to hear me out and give some great advice on this new revelation. She’s the one I share the most DNA with so it’s crazy to think I instantly felt comfortable speaking to her. The other one responded once but nothing since.
Maybe she’s waiting for me to send a message on another social media platform? Maybe she wants nothing to do with more family members popping up? My mind always thinks the worst. It suck’s because until I test my dad it’s just speculation that they are my half aunts.
My gut is telling me I’m right and she’s never usually wrong but I feel this way due to the resemblance of my dad to theirs. Sadly their dad passed away 2 years ago. I found a live stream record of his funeral. While watching it the part where family spoke about their dad all I heard was them describing mine. From personality right down to hobbies. Could it be that my dad was so alike this man who isn’t his biological father or are our suspicions correct in that he is their half brother? What are the odds that my dad looks so much like an uncle rather than his dad? I don’t think I’d share so much DNA with the woman I spoke to the most if their dad was my father’s uncle. Every AI simulation I’ve ran came back that they are my half aunts. No other scenario made sense.
I understand that this would’ve been easier if their father was alive. He could’ve confirmed and been the person introducing us to the family but we missed that chance. Although I’m sad we didn’t get to meet him, it was very comforting hearing all the wonderful things about him and hearing how similar my dad is to him.
We might not have met him but I feel like my dad being similar to him makes up for it.
Whatever the reason was that my dad never knew who he was is no one’s fault. We aren’t upset at him or the family. How can we be? Odds are he had no idea my dad was out there and if he did, well, oh well? We’ll most likely never know but either way we forgive him for being absent. We forgive my grandma for not being forthcoming with the information about my dad’s father. We found out from her brother that the last name we have is from a man she met some months into her pregnancy. He wanted to raise the baby with her but plans fell through before my dad was born and she still gave him the last name knowing it wasn’t his father anyways. We’ve all been young and dumb. Not my grandma’s finest moment but I’m not in a place to judge. My dad was told that the man we thought his father was didn’t want anything to do with him because my grandma didn’t want to marry him at the time. If we had known that his father’s identity was truly unknown I would’ve taken the test years prior. That’s my only regret. It breaks my heart to know that we possibly missed our chance to know a great man. Even if he wasn’t great, just the way his family described him makes me feel like we would’ve loved him.
We don’t want money or anything from the family.. for years I struggled with a sense of identity so for me what I crave is family connection. What my dad craves is the same. I pray we don’t get rejected whenever I have the balls to reach out on insta but like my dad says, we’ll always have each other – no matter what.
Losses
Death puts so much into respective. My grandmas sister passed away earlier this month and this past Sunday was the funeral. I ended up traveling to FL for less than 48 hours to attend the funeral. The days following her passing I was fine emotionally. As the date got closer to say our final goodbyes it started to dawn on me that life is still very short. Seeing her in the casket shook me to my core. She was unrecognizable. There were so many emotions.. I’m still in disbelief.
Life is short so take the risks. Do what makes you happy regardless of what the world will say. Say what you have to say because you might never get the chance if you don’t cease the moment.
The fear of rejection has kept me from reaching out to my dad’s family but now more than ever I’m ready to take the risks.
If they leave us on read then so be it.
Bravery
Today is all about being brave. Tomorrow may never come.. ✌🏽
And if it does, it may not be what life used to be.
Happiness
Different
Life changed in May 2024 in more ways than one. My ancestry DNA results shook my world and days following that my little brother made a decision that altered the course of our lives forever.
After many long conversations trying to make sense of it to anyone who would listen, I’ve come to the conclusion that my dad and I will never fully recover from this. Everyday I feel his pain. I feel the void in his heart. I feel the regret and confusion.
We found my dad’s birth family on his father’s side after many years of thinking we had the story right but I haven’t found the courage to truly reach out because I know we can’t handle another round with rejection and abandonment.
My desire is to get to know the family. My desire is to learn of our cultural ties with India. My desire is to have them welcome us with open arms but it’s difficult when the key piece of the puzzle is not here to confirm our suspicions.
I always wrestled with my sense of identity and finding out the DNA results brought up some old emotions. Praying for a breakthrough.
Prayer for You
We’re all trying to cope with what we’ve been through recently. It is not something we can put behind us right now because it’s still on going. I realized that my brother’s unhappiness was not a direct result of our dad’s parenting. He hasn’t seen our dad in over 2 months. If our dad was the problem he would not still be unhappy.
It pains me to know my dad is hurting from this entire ordeal. I hope with the new freedom he has he’s able to find himself as a man again. Not as a parent, he used to have so much fun. I hope he sees this as a way to reconnect with his hobbies and youthfulness.
Our family will never be the same and the sooner we accept it for what it is, the better it will be.
Different
This year has taken a turn I never thought it would. I’m starting to feel like I’ll never see my brothers again. Almost 10 years ago our dad got full custody of them but now that one is 18 years old and the other is just 3 years shy of 18, he figured a change in scenery would be good for them. Their mom wants to make up for lost time with them and he’s got no problem with that. Her on the other hand, is the same manipulative person she was 10 years ago. The boys don’t know any better but the things she’s asking them to do behind our backs makes my heart ache. By now we should all be able to be cordial and do what’s best for the boys. I pray that 2023 wasn’t the last time I would’ve seen them.
Harrison
Thank you for visiting me in my dreams last night. Yesterday was 17 years without your bright light on this Earth. It’s wild to think we only had you for 17 years and we’ve lived that number of years without you making us laugh. I wish you were here. Hope you’re resting easy HKC.
Smooth Like Silk
We were blindsided.
We were blindsided by the best outcome – the outcome we’ve wanted all along.
Although it’s all that we wanted it’s the first time in a long time I’ve had to deal with so many emotions in such a short period of time.
I repeatedly told myself that “I can’t stop the rain but I can ride the storm” just so I wouldn’t fade away.
My wish is that this works out exactly how we expect it to with no curveballs.
Let It Fall Like Rain
It’s going to hurt bad before it gets better.
Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There’s pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I’ll never get over you walkin’ away
I’ve never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein’ strong meant never losin’ your self-control
But I’m just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I want to cry
Upside Down
I’m in a nightmare. I have to be…
Tomorrow is the day our lives change forever. My heart breaks at the thought of what will be. My heart aches at the thought of what could be.
It feels like a part of me has died..
How is this not fixable? How do we accept that we tried our best knowing it wasn’t good enough? How do we accept that we weren’t given the chance to make up for our mistakes?
I pray someday you’ll find it in your heart to forgive. Family is all we’ve got in this world.
Here’s to every tear that will fall. Here’s to every thought of you. Here’s to every memory that will hurt over and over again. Here’s to missing you on the bad days and missing you on the good days.
“Let it go” they say…
“Times gonna wash this all away…”
I know we will never recover. There will always be an empty hole in our hearts from this day forward and it didn’t have to be.
Don’t forget about us.. xoxo.
To God Be The Glory
Today was a tough day but God is always good. Mediating on God brings me peace and comfort. Without his love I would be nothing.
Oh my God, you’ve sure been good to me.
Despite our circumstances I’m praising him because he’s still good!!
Making Something Out Of Nothing 