Posted on by V

Keep pushing

I’ve started to accept the reality of a situation I’m in and while it’s definitely sobering I can’t say I’m too happy with how I’m feeling. It’s so hard deciding against what your heart is telling you to do sometimes. Stuck between wanting to follow my heart but knowing I should be rational or so much goes on the line.

They say fool me once shame on you but fool me twice shame on me. I’m a firm believer in once something happens twice that shouldn’t have happened the first time it then evolves from a mistake to a choice. We so easily fall into the trap of constant forgiving and giving chances after chances and it takes courage to stand up and say no more even it if goes against every fiber in your body at the time.

Knowing your worth is important. Never compromise or lose sight of that for anyone or anything. Don’t get lost in the idea of what could be so much that you overlook what’s right in front of you.

Posted on by V

Soft Answer

Whenever I’m barked at by anyone I tend to retreat within myself and I stay there for long periods of time. Something about getting yelled at just makes me feel so small and essentially unloved. They say love is not easily puffed up but that seems to be the only kind of love I’ve known.

Does that mean I have yet to experience true love?

When it’s reoccurring is it then a choice to make me feel small?

Sometimes I don’t feel I deserve that no matter what I may or may not have done and that’s where I’m wrestling with myself. Do I stay or do I seek out greener grass?

It’s hard to cope with emotional and verbal abuse. They know it’s not easy but they’ll point out not knowing how or why you stay.

The answer is because I’m fucking stupid that’s why or how I stay. My stupidity will only keep me here for so long though. After awhile when I’m fed up nothing will hold me. It’s to a point where I am fed up to an extent but there’s still a small light beam of hope that’s slowly growing dim. When that goes out completely there will be no going back.

I’m a lot more delicate than one may assume.

Posted on by V

See what I’m on

It’s been quite sometime since I’ve taken the time to write down my thoughts.

In the last couple months so much has happened to be honest. My relationship with the in laws have drastically shifted. There’s dialogue – all I’ve ever wanted.

One thing I’ve also realized over the last couple months is that we must speak up about our needs especially if they are not being met. I’m thinking that if P never said anything we would be right where we were before. Sometimes it just takes communication to resolve issues. Sometimes it takes more effort and time.

Posted on by V

Happy 56th

Today would’ve been the legendary Whitney Houston’s 56th birthday. While taking some time today to truly appreciate her music and legacy I stumbled upon something she said that really was the reassurance I needed today.

The quote is “my mother taught me that when you stand in the truth and someone tells a lie about you, don’t fight it”. ☝️

A few images of this forever icon. She should still be here.

Posted on by V

1/4 down

The first 25 years of my life have been interesting to say the least. I’ve learned a lot about myself, life, people and the world I live in. There were a lot of dark periods but I’ve always managed to come out on top in time. I’m blessed to be closing this chapter on a positive note. My mindset is healthier than it’s ever been and for that I’m grateful. Here’s to year 26!

Posted on by V · 1 Comment

High maintenance

Today I realized that I’m not as high maintenance as I used to be. I cited getting older and feeling like getting my nails, brows, lashes etc done religiously is just too much work. I cited being young and not having much to do with my time. I cited being comfortable in my relationship. I cited friends moving or starting families. At the end of the day, I guess it truly comes down to the motives behind why I did all of those things.

As it turns out, I’ve learned over the years to love myself just the way I am. I don’t get fussy when it comes to my appearance as much as I used to. Not that I’ve let myself go or anything along those lines but that there are more important things I spend my time on while still having me time.

As this is my last full week living in this quarter century year of my life I’ve been doing a lot of self reflecting. I feel like I do that enough but as my birthday creeps up next week I’ve got lots on my mind.

I spoke to my dad today. He’s doing well and so are my brothers. He’s getting a boat back on the ocean and I’m excited for that. I wish I was spending my birthday on his boat on a small secluded island like we used to when I was a kid. Some memories will always be my favorite.

Posted on by V · 1 Comment

John Mayer

John Mayer is one of my all time favorite artists. His music has gotten me through certain periods of my life and they’ll forever hold a special place in my heart. Tonight he opened his summer tour in town and it got me thinking. Initially I was invited to go to the concert with an ex because John played an important role in both our lives. He was one of the first things we bonded over and being musicians also there were lots of John Mayer covers needless to say.

It got me thinking about why people don’t think it’s appropriate to stay friends with exes under any circumstances. For me personally, I think it’s possible and I don’t understand having to cut exes off because it didn’t work out romantically. Some of my exes I was friends with years before the friendship evolved into something intimate. It’s unfortunate to have to lose the friend aspect when it ends especially after long relationships (3+ years). I think if both people can come to terms with why they didn’t work out romantically but why a friendship is better it’s fine to continue having a friendship after the fact. Most people think if you’re friends with an ex it means you’re not over them romantically and I’ve always disagreed. Sometimes we spend years with someone and there’s an understanding that develops that just never diminishes. An understanding formed based on an emotional connection rather than a physical one.

Now because this ex is now married I didn’t feel it was appropriate to third wheel because his wife feels exes cannot just be friends and everyone’s entitled to their own opinions🥶

Not everyone leaves a relationship still cherishing the understandings and the memories made. Not every relationship ends on good terms so I know it’s not always possible to salvage a friendship but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being friends if both people can be adults about moving forward as such.

Posted on by V

Father Daughter

Today I had a longer conversation with my dad than usual. While everything is going well, I’ve noticed that my dad has issues with self forgiveness. And as I’ve gotten older I find myself going back to a lot of mistakes I’ve made in the past and I’ll replay situations and think of how I could’ve done things differently. It’s not my healthiest trait or tendency but hearing him talk about a decision he made years ago set off a light bulb for me. He stated that he should’ve known better and I have said the same thing to myself recently. Sometimes I’ll remember somethings and I get the urge to reach out to someone and apologize even if I’ve done so before but I have enough self control not to go that far. Despite all the stupid choices and all the things and people I’ve lost because of it I’m still beyond blessed to be living the life I am today.

My dad is my best friend. I learn so much about myself when I’m spending time with him.

Posted on by V

USWNT

It’s been some time but I haven’t gotten a chance to reflect on my emotions from the World Cup overall. Ever since I went to see the US Women’s National Team in May for their last game before the World Cup my love for the game has been renewed I feel. I remember why I used to play and how much happiness soccer brought me. In 2015 when we won the World Cup and Abby Wambach retired I was glad our ladies took home the gold and I was glad I got to watch a tremendous athlete hang up her cleats. After a short while the conversation ended for everyone including myself. Then in 2016 when the team lost Hope Solo I again didn’t feel the need to keep up with how the team was managing. In doing so, I forgot what it meant to be an athlete and to have a passion for something that so few understand. This World Cup season I feel a fire deep inside that’s constantly burning. A fire for more. I feel the game is going to evolve in ways many people have given up on and I think that’s the most exciting part. Seeing soccer reach a level that so many people have dreamed of it reaching. I feel the 23 players on the USWNT are a force that no one can stop. Whether or not the front pages stop and attacks from the Presidents supporters stop the women on the team will never stop trying to leave the game better than it was when they started. That to me is inspiring on so many levels. With all that’s going on in this country the World Cup has made me proud to sport my USWNT gear. The women are an amazing example of resilience, perseverance, faith and hope for a better league. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

It seems so much more than just soccer. Those women are courageous beyond measure and I’m proud they’re fighting for what they believe and for what they know it’ll take to turn another kid’s dream into a reality. #OOSA🇺🇸

Posted on by V

Sociopaths

Today an acquaintance came to me with an issue. Hours later I’m still replaying the conversation in my head. I’m not quite sure how I became the person she confides in the most but I am honored.

Not to should shallow but people like her are the reasons I pursued a career in this crazy field. In a way, I’m glad my counselor traits extend beyond an office.

Anyways, my conversation with her got me thinking. When two people are in a relationship why is it that they feel the need to guilt the other party into staying with them after they’ve fucked up?

It’s almost sociopathic in a way. No? One consciously makes a choice to disregard the relationship but then plays the victim? Why are humans like this?

Has anyone thought about the emotional toll that shit takes on a person? Does the person doing the guilt tripping do it because they know the other is weak minded?

It’s pretty pathetic if you ask me.

What are your thoughts?

Posted on by V · 1 Comment

Level up

Isn’t it weird how when we see our ex’s new significant other the first thing we critique is usually their looks?

Some will then go on to say some exes have downgraded. But how many will actually admit when it was not a downgrade but rather a “level up”?

Sometimes we’re so focused on the physical we forget about the other aspects of life that people need nurtured.

Most times we have to listen to what our partners need from us rather than what we assume and are only willing to put out.

I’ve learned that relationships are figuring out how to work as a unit. There will be bumps in the road but learning from those resolutions only result in a better union.

Also sometimes although a relationship doesn’t work out that doesn’t necessarily mean we didn’t serve a purpose in each other’s lives. I think when most people see their exes moving on they fear that they were ultimately nothing to them at the end of the day.

My question is, why are those thoughts almost like instinct?

Is the person still holding on at this point? Could it be some f*ed up view because they’re bitter?

Maybe a defense mechanism? To preserve ones ego?

Hmmmm.

Posted on by V

Feels

I’ve been feeling like myself for the first time in a long time. It could be a combination of going home for a week and talking to my dad about certain situations and this long weekend. I’ve been feeling like I’m on a natural high and I don’t ever want to come down☁️

I have a very real idea of how things can turn out and I’m ready for any outcome. Before I was always afraid to face the facts for what they are but now I’m ready. Being home recharged me honestly. Just being by the ocean every day does something to my sanity. I can’t explain it. I go home when I need a sense of direction. It has always saved me.

🇯🇲🌊♥️