I’m not one to hold grudges but I never forget what was done even if I’ve forgiven a person. Sometimes forgiveness may come across as weakness but I think being able to forgive 70×7 is the ultimate revenge. When we forgive unthinkable situations those who have wronged us will always wonder why. It’s important to keep people at arms length as well. I may forgive easily but I will never make the mistake of trusting someone who betrayed me once. Play your cards right always.
It’s 3am and although I want to say today because I haven’t slept yet it’s truly yesterday that this took place.
I learned that an acquaintance and his wife have divorced. It is one of those things that just catch you off guard. They were the couple I would say was considered “goals”. They were the couple I admired more than anything. I found out one side of the reason behind the decision but for some reason I just can’t wrap my mind around it nor is it my place to I guess but, I can’t help it. When I think of marriage to me it’s a commitment. A commitment that should last a lifetime unless there’s infidelity, abuse or other extreme circumstances.
Love is kind, love suffers long, endures all things, isn’t easily puffed up, etc etc.
What has me stumped I guess is not understanding how a person can move on so easily as if a marriage meant nothing. How can a person bounce back so quickly if they truly love the person? I don’t want to seem biased in the situation but I know that I’m not the kind of person to bounce back easily. I know that when I love someone that’s not something that can be turned off and that’s not something that goes away over night either.
I guess, I’m saying all of this to say that when I am married I would hope that if my husband was not happy he would communicate that and exhaust all other options to fix our issue before deciding the world is more enticing or more appealing than my love. I admire the marriages that last through heartaches and pains. The marriages that push what it means to love and forgive to the limit and still make it through stronger than before.
I aspire to have a love like my grandparents’. The one where we are a team and that dynamic never changes. The one where we make every decision together, the one where we always show a united front, the one where there are no secrets. The one where we fall in love more and more with each other each day.
Love isn’t always fair. Someone in most cases always ends up with the short end of the stick but when love is experienced with honesty, understanding and compassion it’s unlike anything else we’ll ever experience. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with someone who feels the same. I pray that I marry someone who wants to spend forever and a day by my side even on my worst days. Someone who believes marriage is as sacred and meaningful as I do.
My worst fear is that I’ll give my heart to someone who will wake up one day after years of life together and decide they don’t love me anymore and would rather experience the world without me. My fear is wasting my time.
Reflecting on a great soul that we lost on this day 13 years ago. No July 1st is an easy day. Every year this day reminds me of the light this world lost. It reminds me of the night my life flipped upside down. It reminds of the night I questioned so many things about life. This was the first real loss that affected me in an indescribable way. The loss that caused true pain and a pain that it took so long to learn how to live with. That’s the thing when we lose loved ones. There’s not a day that their presence isn’t missed but we remember the good times we had. Sometimes I wish I could have a conversation about life and all the things that have happened since 2007 but it is what is it.
So many terrible things have happened this year, 2020. So many people have lost loved ones during this time. Today a family lays a mother to rest. As if today wasn’t an already terrible day we add another death and another significance to the date. I only pray for comfort and strength. I pray that this family knows that there’s no right way to grieve and there is no time on how long grieving should take.
Harry, the days, well they go by but I always try to grow and move forward. Can only hope I’ve made you proud. I miss you forever.
Again it’s been awhile. I’ve noticed that sometimes I avoid writing because there’s so much I would like to get down but I just never know where to begin. So much has happened over the last few months and it’s been overwhelming, emotionally and physically. With covid-19 still being a threat and George Floyd losing his life due to police brutality and the aftermath of that my mind has been so cumbered. While still being cautious I’ve been asking myself a lot lately how I can contribute to change amongst the black community. As everyone knows there have been protests that have escalated into riots and two weeks ago when the President tweeted that when the looting starts the shooting starts I was shaken to my core. I’ll share something I posted on another social media outlet just because it sums up how I’ve been feeling the last couple of weeks. The initial anger and fear is not nearly as high as it was when I posted this but this unfortunate event opened my eyes to see so many different thought processes on the issue of racism and the biases in this country.
This cause needs whites and other ethnicities and races not considered minorities to stand with those oppressed. Some of the most influential people in my life are people who looked at me and felt I deserved a little extra love. If we were all kind to one another in that sense this world would be a better place.
“And instead of pushing for immediate arrest of the four officers he decided shooting black people is the best option. If you are more upset with the fires, looting etc opposed to the officers STILL not being charged kindly delete yourself from my page. And if you can’t understand the level of tiredness, anger, fear, distrust etc etc etc that is felt across the black community then please also delete yourself and save your comments for someone else. If these officers were charged we wouldn’t be seeing the situation we’re seeing now – how about you all criticize that. Save the fight this with love comments, save the MLK references, save the violence solves nothing comments, save the not all officers are bad comments too. If you have 1000 good cops and 10 bad cops and the good cops see their colleagues engaging in racist behavior and do nothing, you have 1010 bad cops. When you feel your back is against a wall and there are no other options it defaults to this. When black people constantly have to worry about their fathers, brothers, sons, daughters, mothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, nephews, nieces, grandparents, spouses, friends etc think about the emotional toll that must take when this continues year after year with no change. Y’all harp on mental health so much but people like me see an officer and instantly our hearts start to race and breathing gets heavy because of the continuous ANXIETY felt because of these situations. (Driving next to a trooper last night only the grace of God kept my hands from shaking off the wheel because of the instant fear I felt while he drove along side me in the next lane purposely NOT driving the speed limit to see who would pass him). How many of you have had to sit your children down and explain that because of the COLOR of their skin they are a potential target or can easily be the reason for the next BLM protest even while complying? Check your privilege the next time you want to say the behavior is uncalled for or even think it. Many of you are silent on these issues and I SEE YOU. Your silence speaks volumes so don’t think you’re just “staying out of it”. How many of you criticizers are prepared to stand up for people of color when you see these injustices occurring in everyday life? You say don’t record – intervene but while we intervene we’ll end up dead too. You privileged folks can intervene knowing guns won’t be drawn and instantly fired we don’t have that peace of mind. Understand, empathize, use your privilege for good. If you feel situations can be handled differently JOIN the cause, share your thoughts in a way that will bring about the change you claim you want to see for people of color, otherwise stay in your lane. If you’re a family member or close friend and you are offended by this post please feel free to express your opinion privately. If you’re not an ally you’re an enemy.
These tests aren’t 100% accurate but the results will get you thinking/talking one way or another.
https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/“
Hope y’all are staying mentally sane and healthy through all of this as I’m trying to do the same. As states start relaxing their social distancing rules stay vigilant.
Ten years ago this date held great meaning. In the most recent years this date is one I dread an awful lot. Looking back, the disappointment in the outcome is definitely my fault. I think from the beginning I had an unrealistic expectation of how things would remain in tact forever. Things never stay the same though. We went from what I thought would’ve been a life long friendship to one that barely exists. Adjusting to that change has been painful if we’re being real. I went from having someone I knew I could count on to not knowing if reaching out is even worth it anymore. Conversations are minimal at best. The purpose that the friendship served has ran its course. Accepting that has been difficult nonetheless.
I feel that I’ll always be here if I’m ever needed but I have a feeling I’ll never be needed.
Despite everything, I still wish good things for the future. I still send positive vibes that way. Always have and always will. Cheers to 28.
Not everyone gets lucky enough to find someone who also loves them despite all the superficial BS. We deserve it yes but there are times when just because we love someone it doesn’t mean we end up ever being with them romantically. Sometimes you can be so sure a person is your soulmate but life’s circumstances just never allow it to go beyond the feeling you get in your gut. The sad thing about that though is that the feelings never go away. In time you learn to live with it, live despite of it, and even live loving others but there will always be the part that holds on to the love felt for the one you never had. In some ways that love may inspire new loves. Sometimes people see others in someone and settle, sometimes it’s the thing we compare others to and decide based on that whether they’re worth giving our hearts to and sometimes we don’t truly give our heart to anyone else at all. Love has so many outcomes. Many good and many bad. Everyone experience the different facets of love one way or another so no matter what the circumstances are we’re never alone in how love makes us feel. There’s always someone who can relate.
The show that has been getting me through Covid-19 is surprisingly The Good Doctor. The most recent episode I’ve seen caused my thoughts to stray just a little bit. Just as a quick overview, the protagonist has autism but despite that he’s a brilliant surgeon. He’s navigating through different aspects of life, learning to communicate better, love better, listen better, etc. He falls in love with a girl who ultimately doesn’t love him in a romantic way because of his autism. That drives Murphy insane to an extent. He became obsessed with showing her he was capable of being her boyfriend despite his limitations.
Saying all of that to say this, he did not feel that he was enough. It’s insane how unfair love can seem at times. We can’t help who we love and it’s always a gamble because what if the person you love doesn’t love you back? We spend so much time fighting what seem like inadequacies that we miss the important lessons in life. Whether we feel we lack qualities someone’s looking for or if we’re simply just out of their league everyone deserves to be loved minus all the superficial things.
“You over analyze things” – undeniably so. We go from not wanting parts of someone without having all of them to realizing that maybe having parts of someone is better than not having any parts of them at all. Interesting how in just a few short weeks the mindset has changed knowingly or unknowingly.
Thank others for choosing to stay – somehow it should mean a great lot. In friendships and everything beyond that.
Actions speak louder than words. People make time for who they want to make time for. No one is ever too busy to text back or check in one you occasionally. If you’re important to them these things will come naturally. It won’t feel like you require a lot of attention. You won’t be tasked with wondering if you’re a burden/annoyance or whatever. Remember.
Damn, can we catch a break?
It’s taken me a few weeks to process what’s been happening in the world. This virus has had us on an insane rollercoaster ride. It went from being a hoax to a monster demolishing our health and economy. With a majority of the state shut down in response to COVID-19 many people get to stay home but my job is considered essential for the health and wellbeing of the citizen in the state so I’ve been going into work everyday as I normally would. This thing is almost like a silent killer for the contagious period where people may show no symptoms. You simply don’t know who has it around you and I think that’s the most challenging part.
All over the world people have been in a panic over this virus. From not having adequate testing and safety equipment to panic shopping – it’s gotten out of hand. People are dying whether it’s just another strain of the flu or whether it’s not. The virus is easily transmitted whether it’s like flu or not. Nurses and doctors risk their lives and possibly infecting their families and loved ones for those who are ill whether it’s like the flu or not.
Today I went grocery shopping thinking I would pick up a few things that I’m running low on and I couldn’t stand being out for more than 15 minutes before getting angry about the condition I saw the stores in. I saw empty shelves and bare necessities are nowhere to be found. That made me severely aggravated because I thought about those who are worst off than I am. I figured if I’m not completely out of the items I was looking for at home and I was that aggravated then I could only imagine what others who are more desperate than I am are feeling. I can only imagine how the elderly are feeling distraught not finding what they need on top of the fear of picking up the virus. I can only imagine what the new mother is feeling not able to find wipes for her two week old baby.
Unemployment rates are higher than ever and so much is unknown about the future. Many businesses have closed and it’s sad to see so many be affected by this. In a time when it’s so easy to be consumed by fear and uncertainty we must remain hopeful.
Be kind to one another and in times like these help each other.
50/50 is bullshit. Someone is always expected to give more of themselves. Don’t be fooled.
Everyone loves a good mystery. Is it possible to be infatuated by intrigue? I would like to believe so but sometimes I just feel too far into my thoughts.
Many people are naturally fascinated or intrigued by a proverbial stranger. Lack of knowledge about a person allows our imagination to run wild.
Our own perception can be the most dangerous part I feel. This is so because our perception may allow us to look at a person and their actions in a more favorable light than deserved. People keep secrets for many reasons. One being avoiding commitment or becoming entangled emotionally. Ironically though, the tactics people use to avoid intimacy are typically the driving forces in what makes them more desirable.
Mysterious strangers prefer to focus on the physical and keep relationships as casual as possible rather than incorporating sexual partners into their everyday lives.
It’s important to be aware of these mysterious strangers. It’s important to be cautious and not allow the unknown to cloud our vision. Secrets stand in the way of so many things. The upside to that though is that some people are secretive not because they are living double lives or are unfaithful but because of insecurities and even fear of rejection. People are also not as forthcoming with information they feel will cast them into a bad light.
Either way, in these situations only time will tell whether the mystery was worth getting sucked into or not.
There’s that saying that says if it’s meant to be it will be. It’s been on my mind a bit lately. We drift from people and that could be a combination of friends and family but sometimes we have an opportunity to pull the pieces back together and reconnect and that can never be taken for granted. Sometimes you can jump right back into where things left off but other times you wade through a bit of knee deep water before things feel like they’re back to what they were. Essentially, years go by and people change but even with that it’s still possible to rekindle a friendship. There are those rare cases when so much time has passed that rekindling a friendship just isn’t worth the effort. Not necessarily saying there are ill intentions or bad blood but we’re just on different paths and going in different directions. The key is being prepared for either one of those outcomes regardless of what you really want.
P and I were in Jersey for 3 days and normally business trips are chaotic or so they feel with the new city and drastic change in day to day routines. This trip was different. I felt good about everything that happened. I feel that we’re making progress for the first time. It’s one thing to be able to spend time with someone and truly find value in the time spent and it’s another thing to feel burdened by the person’s presence.
Something’s changing. I feel more safe. I feel valued and appreciated just a little bit more than I did before.
Everyday we learn to adapt more and more to one another and I know if the foundation is solid longevity is guaranteed.
Today I had a mental break down you could say. And at work at that too… I found out that there were going to be some drastic changes and while change is not necessarily bad this entire year has been about change especially at work for me. A person can only bend so much before they break. I was told that the reason the company is so reliant on me is because I’m great at what I do. For many that would be a compliment but I don’t do my job well for recognition. I do my job well because I take pride in things that are a product of my efforts. I feel I’ve been picking up everyone’s slack and I can’t keep doing that without risking a burn out. My question to management was when do we start holding employees accountable for their actions or lack thereof? It’s not that I’m doing great work because there isn’t much to it but it’s just that I care. Not everyone naturally cares or takes pride in their work but if there’s no standard and accountability how do we know if people are giving it their all? Today I marched into our human capital office and basically told Kelly I’m handing in my badge and never coming back. In that moment I was absolutely ready to resign on the spot and I still feel I would’ve followed through with it had they not have called a meeting and allowed me to voice my concerns and respect my decision to decline the change they’re trying to push. I’ve never felt so overwhelmed to the point of putting my grievances on record but today I feel it was for the best. Hopefully this means I can continue to go into work and do my job and go home when the day’s tasks are complete.
I’m learning to say no and speak up for what I need to maintain my sanity and I don’t regret that. No job is worth compromising my sanity.
Making Something Out Of Nothing 