So much for being brave… 😆

The day I posted that, I got a Reddit notification from the Ancestry DNA subreddit which shot that confidence down. The post said it would’ve been better off if they hadn’t taken the test and found their birth dad. Turns out he completely abandoned the guy at 2 years old and did not die in Vietnam. Raised several other children and was a phenomenal dad.

I think that’s part of my fear as well. I fear being rejected. It’s already slightly happened. One of the half sisters didn’t bother to respond to my message but two did. I think my 1st message could’ve been better though. I was a bit abrupt and insensitive but I think I panicked honestly. I saw the matches and recognized no one and just let impulse take over. I didn’t stop to think how weird this might be for them and I never thought about a scenario where we would be at the mercy of family. Out of the two who responded, only one took the time out to hear me out and give some great advice on this new revelation. She’s the one I share the most DNA with so it’s crazy to think I instantly felt comfortable speaking to her. The other one responded once but nothing since.

Maybe she’s waiting for me to send a message on another social media platform? Maybe she wants nothing to do with more family members popping up? My mind always thinks the worst. It suck’s because until I test my dad it’s just speculation that they are my half aunts.

My gut is telling me I’m right and she’s never usually wrong but I feel this way due to the resemblance of my dad to theirs. Sadly their dad passed away 2 years ago. I found a live stream record of his funeral. While watching it the part where family spoke about their dad all I heard was them describing mine. From personality right down to hobbies. Could it be that my dad was so alike this man who isn’t his biological father or are our suspicions correct in that he is their half brother? What are the odds that my dad looks so much like an uncle rather than his dad? I don’t think I’d share so much DNA with the woman I spoke to the most if their dad was my father’s uncle. Every AI simulation I’ve ran came back that they are my half aunts. No other scenario made sense.

I understand that this would’ve been easier if their father was alive. He could’ve confirmed and been the person introducing us to the family but we missed that chance. Although I’m sad we didn’t get to meet him, it was very comforting hearing all the wonderful things about him and hearing how similar my dad is to him.

We might not have met him but I feel like my dad being similar to him makes up for it.

Whatever the reason was that my dad never knew who he was is no one’s fault. We aren’t upset at him or the family. How can we be? Odds are he had no idea my dad was out there and if he did, well, oh well? We’ll most likely never know but either way we forgive him for being absent. We forgive my grandma for not being forthcoming with the information about my dad’s father. We found out from her brother that the last name we have is from a man she met some months into her pregnancy. He wanted to raise the baby with her but plans fell through before my dad was born and she still gave him the last name knowing it wasn’t his father anyways. We’ve all been young and dumb. Not my grandma’s finest moment but I’m not in a place to judge. My dad was told that the man we thought his father was didn’t want anything to do with him because my grandma didn’t want to marry him at the time. If we had known that his father’s identity was truly unknown I would’ve taken the test years prior. That’s my only regret. It breaks my heart to know that we possibly missed our chance to know a great man. Even if he wasn’t great, just the way his family described him makes me feel like we would’ve loved him.

We don’t want money or anything from the family.. for years I struggled with a sense of identity so for me what I crave is family connection. What my dad craves is the same. I pray we don’t get rejected whenever I have the balls to reach out on insta but like my dad says, we’ll always have each other – no matter what.