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Family Visits

My sister in law and 10 month old niece just got home from Germany less than an hour ago. It’s almost 1am and having them home and meeting the baby for the first time is just remarkable.

She’s so vibrant, full of joy and unlike most babies who cry when meeting strangers she met us without crying. All smiles and excitement. I’m excited to see how much she grows in the month that she’ll be here.

We are blessed to have a little one who reminds us that family is love. Unity brings peace. Although she’s the small human who needs us to survive we all needed her here also.

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Catching up

Since the last time I’ve posted so much has happened.

In July I decided to get vaccinated after months of hesitation. The hesitation wasn’t necessarily from me either I told my mom that I would get the shot with her so she didn’t have to do it alone and I kept my word and waited until she was ready. She was hesitant because of the possible side effects which was understandable. Our first dose of the vaccine didn’t have terrible side effects. Our arms were sore about 3-5 hours after the shot was administered and the following day we had body aches just like we did when we had covid. The second day I was completely fine but mom had swollen lymph nodes for about 3 or 4 days. The second dose usually affects people more than the first but ironically enough we didn’t experience any side effects just minor soreness in our arms but not nearly as bad as the first dose and the soreness didn’t last as long.

I still feel anxiety in crowded places because I don’t want to endure a second bout with covid but I’m thankful for the vaccine and it’s ability to minimize symptoms if I am exposed again.

There’s been so many different opinions about the effectiveness of these vaccines and it’s heartbreaking to see how people are allowing differences in choices to ruin friendships and family dynamics. I’ve posted before about how I’ve handled family and friends who don’t take covid as seriously as I do because of my experience with it and since then it’s only gotten worse. That story in itself deserves its own post though.

I hope y’all are doing well. Remain vigilant and spread love always.

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14 years

Thursday the first marked 14 years without Harry. I couldn’t bring myself to jot down my thoughts because the emotions were so raw. My mind asked the same what if questions and the why him questions just as they did the night I got the news. Then today a friend who lost her father on Wednesday sent me this page from a book which I’ll post below. It spoke to my soul in ways I didn’t know I needed. It reminded me that it’s okay to still miss Harry after 14 years. And it reminded me that it’s okay to feel sadness on that day no matter how long it’s been. There’s no wrong way to grieve a loss. The amount of time it takes you to grieve is nothing to be shamed of either.

For Harry
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Fortunate

If you’re lucky the person you love decides to love you back.

I’m one of those fortunate enough to have someone choosing to love me everyday. While we’re celebrating such a high point in our lives and our engagement I can’t help but think of those who won’t know what this feels like. The excitement of knowing someone wants to be in your company for the rest of their lives. It’s humbling no matter how long you’ve been together.

Tonight, while we all have different comforts I hope that those less fortunate than I am find peace and are comforted in ways that I may not be fortunate enough to experience.

I remember years ago all of my friends were getting married and purchasing homes but I stayed in my lane and worked hard to get where I am today. Many of those friends are now divorced or wish they had known who they were marrying better but, I at least get to say after 5 years with my fiancé there will be no regrets. I’m glad I did not allow my internal clock to push me into the arms of someone not worth of my love or time. I’m glad I learned that my progress should not be compared to others. It doesn’t matter how fast or slow you finish the race the important thing is that you ultimately finish the race.

Someone else’s journey does not diminish your own.

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Forever

Today I was watching an episode of One Tree Hill where they talked about how the idea of forever usually scares us as humans and it got me thinking…

The idea of forever has been the most comforting thing to me. I understand why it may be scary for some but for me the idea of forever has been what has kept me going many times. We see forever in so many aspects of life in both deeds and people. I find that in temporary situations that may be horrible to navigate, forever gets me through because I have hope for the future.

The idea of forever is absolute. I take comfort in knowing that there are things I will have continually. People, relationships, deeds committed, memories, dreams, etc.

The idea of spending “forever” with a partner is exhilarating. The same can be said about having a friendship that carry’s on “forever”.. Knowing that the things we do in this life sticks with us forever keeps me in check. It keeps me from living with regrets. It forces me to do right. It keeps me accountable. Having certain memories forever is humbling because sometimes memories are all we’ve got of someone or something we held close to our hearts. Maintaining dreams give us something to work towards or simply just challenges us to never settle.

When things get dark I remind myself that it isn’t forever and roll with it until the sun shines again.

Strange?

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Nice Knowing Ya 2020

This year was by far one of the most trying for many of us. The global pandemic affected us in more ways than we could have ever imagined. I’ve also learned so much about myself this year as well.

In a year where life as we knew it changed overnight one day in March due to lockdowns I found that this year I craved a lot of “normalcy”. I craved the things that felt comfortable and some of that included people who today are no longer the people they were when they represented what was normal to me.

Four years ago one night in December my world changed forever and while then I tried to hold on to the little I could, this year I realized it was time to let go and finally close chapters I kept rewriting in my head. I held on to promises made that were unrealistic. I held on to someone I was so sure would be around through all my adult years.

As time has gone on I’ve realized that this person served their purpose in my life. The story has ended and there’s no way to rewrite it. We played pivotal roles in each other’s lives at one point but we’ve been on different journeys for years now. I guess I was just never ready to truly admit that our promises were naive. The thing is something can cause a bond to exist but eventually that thing is no longer the most important aspect in either of our lives. When that happens we become people that neither of us recognize. The bond grows thin day by day until it no longer exists and that’s life.

So while I craved that sense of comfortability many of these last 365 days I’m leaving that desire in 2020. It’s best I walk away and leave our promise in the year that caused so much pain and loss for many. A lot of people lost loved ones and friends this year due to Covid-19. A lot of people lost jobs due to the pandemic and a lot of small business owners lost their livelihoods. So in a year where people will forever mourn so much I’m choosing to leave this bond here as well.

This year, I can say in the U.S. with over three hundred thousand people dead from Covid-19, I survived it. Six members of my family survived the virus. Many days this year we saw stories of families losing more than one member to the virus but I was fortunate.

I will eternally be grateful for surviving this thing because many were not as lucky. I will always be grateful that no one in my family had to rely on unemployment insurance benefits at any time this year. I will always be grateful for the ability to have helped those in need this year. I’m thankful for love, health, family, friends and financial stability.

May 2021 bring you nothing but joy, peace, and memories that will repair our hearts after such a cruel year. Cheers.🥂

“Oh, it’s better up ahead
The worst is over now
Remember what I said
Live, you don’t have to look back
But if you ever do,
You know where I’m at” – Gavin DeGraw

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Quarantine Day 12

I think at this point it’s safe to say we’re all recovering and doing well. Well, those of us who tested positive the weekend prior to Christmas. Days 7-10 were definitely the worst days and nights but on day 11 there was a drastic change in our energy levels, appetites and over all feeling enduring covid. Today being day 12 has been just as positive. Now it seems the only lingering symptoms are our sense of smell being a little off. We didn’t lose it but boy has that changed. A lot of foods have a weird odor I’m not necessarily sure how to describe it but it’s not great. At first I speculated that it was the cheese on pizza and lasagna but then we had spaghetti and it was the same – no cheese.. then we had subs and there was the smell again. I’m hoping that this goes away soon because it does sometimes cause a nauseous feeling. My mom can’t stand the smell of Lysol, so that’s fun. We also have a slight lingering cough but gradually that is less often as the days go by. The two who tested positive last are going through more emotional side effects. There’s some depression due to the isolation and the time period that the isolation is taking place but besides feeling a little off there are no major reports of symptoms so that is always a plus. Oh, and the family member who had the worst case is now home and out of the hospital just two days shy of the two week mark since we found out he had covid. He was sent home with an oxygen tank but the fact that he’s home is an improvement.

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Quarantine Day 8

Up until this point symptoms were kind of extremely mild in everyone. Yesterday we had two more positive tests amongst the family so that was another blow to the emotional side of fighting covid. So far everyone still has mild symptoms but now it’s really starting to feel like our bodies are fighting an illness. I must’ve slept for 12 hours last night alone and have been in bed most of today. My body is extremely achey as well which could be from being in bed for so long or covid. I’ve also been congested and have been for about 3 days now. The first two days I was sneezing a lot but now it’s just a congestion. The 8 year old is still her regular self minus a cough every two hours or so which she claims is not a cough but a clearing of her throat. LOL. My mom as of last night has started to feel a little shortness of breath so she’s also trying to take it easy. She still has the back pain which isn’t as bad as it was days 3-5. The first positive person ended up back in the ER the night of day 6 due to ongoing coughs which prevented him from being able to breathe. We’ve since learned that he has covid pneumonia so we’re worried but trying to not worry too much because we don’t want to hinder our own recoveries. He says the hospital conditions are tough.. he hasn’t showered in a few days and there’s no hot water on the hospital ward. I’m not sure how there’s no hot water but obviously that may not be the hospital’s number one priority at this time.

I figured by now we’d be feeling a little better considering we all coasted through the first week of quarantining but I may be wrong. I have a feeling the last two positive cases were positive the time I tested but a nurse refused to test them and I stand firm in my argument that she was wrong for that. They work amongst children and other teachers and I’m not sure why they wouldn’t want to confirm a case so others can be made aware of exposure. Especially because the children they work with are children of doctors and nurses and those who work in the major hospital in our area.

In times like these I understand not wanting to waste a test but I think those who work with our health care workers should get testing no matter how minimal the exposure because there’s such a trickle down effect if they’re positive. If one of the last two positives didn’t start experiencing loss of smell they would’ve continued to take that nurse’s advice and gone to work as instructed and gone about their lives. One of them has severe asthma so I’m praying that their symptoms are not more severe than what I’m feeling.

Praying that things start to look up over the next few days. Trying to stay hydrated, trying to force food down although there’s 0 appetite at times. It’s weird because that comes in waves. Sometimes I’ll be hungry and other times there’s just no desire for food. I’ve noticed the same with my mom. The 8 year old not so much we had family drop off Christmas goodies and she’s eating as long as we put food before her.

Thankful it’s not more severe. Thankful no one else is hospitalized. Thankful for those praying and reaching out and doing all they can to support us through this tough time.

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Covid-19

Friday I got a call that made my stomach drop. A close relative that I’ve been in contact with tested positive for covid. Several members of my family had to get tested this weekend now we’re all on day two of our quarantine. As we wait for the results of our tests to come back the most nerve-racking part is not knowing what’s going to happen as these days go on.

Initially I felt angry and scared. Scared because I’m at a point where I don’t know what about covid is a fact or a piece of information exploited by politics. Scared because my grandparents were potentially exposed. Scared because an 8 year old was exposed. Scared because it meant my life was now at a standstill. Every plan I had for the holiday is now out the window as my quarantine period will not end until after the new year.

Now it’s a waiting game even if our results are negative it doesn’t mean symptoms cannot be developed between the time of exposure and the 14 days. We aren’t sure how it was contracted but all I know is it’s a whole different ball game when covid is in your own household.

Nevertheless, I’m thankful no one else is experiencing symptoms at this time although we are all anxious and stressed. I pray for health and strength. I pray that these 14 days end quickly. Continue to be vigilant always.