All in all my birthday was a good day. It’s 18 minutes after 9pm and I’m wiped. I love vacations because I enjoy sitting outside taking in my surroundings. I enjoy sitting and admiring God’s handy work. It brings so much needed clarity. Grateful I’ve been blessed with life and health to enjoy this monumental age.
Today is the last day of my 20s. In a few hours I’ll enter my 30th year in this crazy world. I’m blessed to have gotten to this point. Hopeful this will be my greatest decade yet. Closing out this chapter from Mexico🇲🇽
12:12am
It’s been a long week and what felt like it should have been Friday was only Thursday. On a positive note, I had a white moth inside my house earlier. It followed me inside somehow and while I’m not necessarily superstitious, it’s said that moths are seen as a sign of good luck. They’re even seen as guardian angels in some cultures. Cool, isn’t it?
As my birthday creeps up it was giving reassurance as these young kids say😭. And for those who have to google most lingos like myself, it means it gives off a certain vibe, exhibits certain qualities, or impression.
Reassurance that everything’s going to be alright. I know everything is working out for my good. I’m forever trusting the process.
In purchasing a book for my sister’s summer reading, I stumbled upon one that has been on my “saved for later” list for quite some time. I think it’s a great choice for the mini quarter life crisis I seem to be having. Necessary Losses by Judith Viorst. Recommended by my therapist years ago and more recently an actress spoke about the book briefly and brought my attention back to it.
If you’ve read the book, what are your thoughts?
Thirty is closing in faster than the speed of lightning it seems. As I approach this pivotal age, I can’t help but look back at what a wild journey it has been. I think back at all the aspirations I had even before my twenties began and how life has aligned the way she sees best. Ha! Okay, maybe not how she sees best, because essentially it’s just the ripple effect. Choices that were made, failures that were endured, loves that were lost (whether that has been romantically, friendships and platonic loves), and massive accomplishments along the way.
Every time I look back, which may damn well be more often than many people, I always credit my favorite teacher for steering me in the right direction in those crucial developmental years. Only God knows what paths I would’ve found myself strolling down if she hadn’t listened. She retired a few days ago and I wish I had the courage to tell her that I love her. It may seem strange to some, but you just have to know what someone saved you from to understand. I’ve always been careful to never skew any boundaries, so it’s always gone unsaid to an extent.
In periods of identity crises, she was the only person who made me feel heard and seen. My family was still new to this country, adults were occupied with starting careers and the everyday household responsibilities. Having a person like her kept me out of the spiral of teen pregnancies, drugs, juvenile delinquency, etc. I remember her classroom being my safe place during school hours. She had multiple during my time there but my favorite was one she had at the end of the hall and I believe there was a blue couch, maybe it was red, but she shared the room with two other teachers mainly separated by furniture but it was still the best place to be. That room remained my safe space even after I graduated. Every time I went back to visit, which was at least once a week back then, her room was the one I bolted for.
Never underestimate the power of listening. Sometimes all someone needs is someone to simply listen.
I’ve learned so many lessons and I’m still learning.
Some days will forever be embedded in our memory. The subconscious will never allow us to forget.
Since the last time I’ve posted so much has happened.
In July I decided to get vaccinated after months of hesitation. The hesitation wasn’t necessarily from me either I told my mom that I would get the shot with her so she didn’t have to do it alone and I kept my word and waited until she was ready. She was hesitant because of the possible side effects which was understandable. Our first dose of the vaccine didn’t have terrible side effects. Our arms were sore about 3-5 hours after the shot was administered and the following day we had body aches just like we did when we had covid. The second day I was completely fine but mom had swollen lymph nodes for about 3 or 4 days. The second dose usually affects people more than the first but ironically enough we didn’t experience any side effects just minor soreness in our arms but not nearly as bad as the first dose and the soreness didn’t last as long.
I still feel anxiety in crowded places because I don’t want to endure a second bout with covid but I’m thankful for the vaccine and it’s ability to minimize symptoms if I am exposed again.
There’s been so many different opinions about the effectiveness of these vaccines and it’s heartbreaking to see how people are allowing differences in choices to ruin friendships and family dynamics. I’ve posted before about how I’ve handled family and friends who don’t take covid as seriously as I do because of my experience with it and since then it’s only gotten worse. That story in itself deserves its own post though.
I hope y’all are doing well. Remain vigilant and spread love always.
Thursday the first marked 14 years without Harry. I couldn’t bring myself to jot down my thoughts because the emotions were so raw. My mind asked the same what if questions and the why him questions just as they did the night I got the news. Then today a friend who lost her father on Wednesday sent me this page from a book which I’ll post below. It spoke to my soul in ways I didn’t know I needed. It reminded me that it’s okay to still miss Harry after 14 years. And it reminded me that it’s okay to feel sadness on that day no matter how long it’s been. There’s no wrong way to grieve a loss. The amount of time it takes you to grieve is nothing to be shamed of either.
Life is such a remarkable journey. We learn things about ourselves, others and the world we live in daily.
This week the lesson is that we are our own advocates.
If we don’t advocate for our needs and what we deserve no one else will. Allowing people to treat us in ways that we do not deserve only hurts us at the end of the day. Never allow people to cross a line and not call them out on it because if you let it slide, sadly there will be a second time. Never diminish your self worth to please others. Hold them accountable when they screw you over.
Loving someone does not mean you let them walk all over you repeatedly.
Throughout life we will no doubt come across a variety of different people. People on different paths and at different places in their lives. Some people will be a little bit more lost than others in their journeys.
I am someone who is drawn to those who need a little bit more help along the way or a push in the right direction than your average person, but if there’s anything I’ve learned from that it’s that you can’t help those who don’t want to help themselves. You can want the best for someone but if they don’t want the best for themselves it’ll be a never ending cycle. Over time you’ll feel like a broken record extending the same encouragements and guidance just to not have the person committed to accepting the help being provided.
Seeing someone spiral down paths they’ve been down time and time again expecting different results but not changing their behavior is exhausting. So saying this to say that, when you’ve done all you can, said all you can and provided all the resources you can – let yourself off the hook.
None of us can save someone who does not want to be saved.
This year was by far one of the most trying for many of us. The global pandemic affected us in more ways than we could have ever imagined. I’ve also learned so much about myself this year as well.
In a year where life as we knew it changed overnight one day in March due to lockdowns I found that this year I craved a lot of “normalcy”. I craved the things that felt comfortable and some of that included people who today are no longer the people they were when they represented what was normal to me.
Four years ago one night in December my world changed forever and while then I tried to hold on to the little I could, this year I realized it was time to let go and finally close chapters I kept rewriting in my head. I held on to promises made that were unrealistic. I held on to someone I was so sure would be around through all my adult years.
As time has gone on I’ve realized that this person served their purpose in my life. The story has ended and there’s no way to rewrite it. We played pivotal roles in each other’s lives at one point but we’ve been on different journeys for years now. I guess I was just never ready to truly admit that our promises were naive. The thing is something can cause a bond to exist but eventually that thing is no longer the most important aspect in either of our lives. When that happens we become people that neither of us recognize. The bond grows thin day by day until it no longer exists and that’s life.
So while I craved that sense of comfortability many of these last 365 days I’m leaving that desire in 2020. It’s best I walk away and leave our promise in the year that caused so much pain and loss for many. A lot of people lost loved ones and friends this year due to Covid-19. A lot of people lost jobs due to the pandemic and a lot of small business owners lost their livelihoods. So in a year where people will forever mourn so much I’m choosing to leave this bond here as well.
This year, I can say in the U.S. with over three hundred thousand people dead from Covid-19, I survived it. Six members of my family survived the virus. Many days this year we saw stories of families losing more than one member to the virus but I was fortunate.
I will eternally be grateful for surviving this thing because many were not as lucky. I will always be grateful that no one in my family had to rely on unemployment insurance benefits at any time this year. I will always be grateful for the ability to have helped those in need this year. I’m thankful for love, health, family, friends and financial stability.
May 2021 bring you nothing but joy, peace, and memories that will repair our hearts after such a cruel year. Cheers.🥂
“Oh, it’s better up ahead
The worst is over now
Remember what I said
Live, you don’t have to look back
But if you ever do,
You know where I’m at” – Gavin DeGraw
Today has been emotionally exhausting. The longer the cries for justice go on the deeper the pit in our stomachs become. Terrifying isn’t the word to describe what this country is becoming.
As much as I want to find the words to describe how I’m feeling I just can’t. We always knew the odds of justice were slim but facing the harsh reality is still no easier.
$12 million dollars cannot bring a loved one back from the dead and $12 million dollars cannot justify not charging those responsible for an innocent’s death.
Black lives will always matter. Fairness and equality will always be demanded.
Spread peace. Spread love. Stay safe.
Again it’s been awhile. I’ve noticed that sometimes I avoid writing because there’s so much I would like to get down but I just never know where to begin. So much has happened over the last few months and it’s been overwhelming, emotionally and physically. With covid-19 still being a threat and George Floyd losing his life due to police brutality and the aftermath of that my mind has been so cumbered. While still being cautious I’ve been asking myself a lot lately how I can contribute to change amongst the black community. As everyone knows there have been protests that have escalated into riots and two weeks ago when the President tweeted that when the looting starts the shooting starts I was shaken to my core. I’ll share something I posted on another social media outlet just because it sums up how I’ve been feeling the last couple of weeks. The initial anger and fear is not nearly as high as it was when I posted this but this unfortunate event opened my eyes to see so many different thought processes on the issue of racism and the biases in this country.
This cause needs whites and other ethnicities and races not considered minorities to stand with those oppressed. Some of the most influential people in my life are people who looked at me and felt I deserved a little extra love. If we were all kind to one another in that sense this world would be a better place.
“And instead of pushing for immediate arrest of the four officers he decided shooting black people is the best option. If you are more upset with the fires, looting etc opposed to the officers STILL not being charged kindly delete yourself from my page. And if you can’t understand the level of tiredness, anger, fear, distrust etc etc etc that is felt across the black community then please also delete yourself and save your comments for someone else. If these officers were charged we wouldn’t be seeing the situation we’re seeing now – how about you all criticize that. Save the fight this with love comments, save the MLK references, save the violence solves nothing comments, save the not all officers are bad comments too. If you have 1000 good cops and 10 bad cops and the good cops see their colleagues engaging in racist behavior and do nothing, you have 1010 bad cops. When you feel your back is against a wall and there are no other options it defaults to this. When black people constantly have to worry about their fathers, brothers, sons, daughters, mothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, nephews, nieces, grandparents, spouses, friends etc think about the emotional toll that must take when this continues year after year with no change. Y’all harp on mental health so much but people like me see an officer and instantly our hearts start to race and breathing gets heavy because of the continuous ANXIETY felt because of these situations. (Driving next to a trooper last night only the grace of God kept my hands from shaking off the wheel because of the instant fear I felt while he drove along side me in the next lane purposely NOT driving the speed limit to see who would pass him). How many of you have had to sit your children down and explain that because of the COLOR of their skin they are a potential target or can easily be the reason for the next BLM protest even while complying? Check your privilege the next time you want to say the behavior is uncalled for or even think it. Many of you are silent on these issues and I SEE YOU. Your silence speaks volumes so don’t think you’re just “staying out of it”. How many of you criticizers are prepared to stand up for people of color when you see these injustices occurring in everyday life? You say don’t record – intervene but while we intervene we’ll end up dead too. You privileged folks can intervene knowing guns won’t be drawn and instantly fired we don’t have that peace of mind. Understand, empathize, use your privilege for good. If you feel situations can be handled differently JOIN the cause, share your thoughts in a way that will bring about the change you claim you want to see for people of color, otherwise stay in your lane. If you’re a family member or close friend and you are offended by this post please feel free to express your opinion privately. If you’re not an ally you’re an enemy.
These tests aren’t 100% accurate but the results will get you thinking/talking one way or another.
https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/“
Hope y’all are staying mentally sane and healthy through all of this as I’m trying to do the same. As states start relaxing their social distancing rules stay vigilant.
Making Something Out Of Nothing 