Posted on by V

Gift

Where do I even begin? I have allowed so much time to pass that there’s too much to write, as I often do.

On February 27th, I received a phone call that shook me to my core. It was someone I grew up with who had sadly passed away. Grief and losing loved ones are nothing new to me, but sometimes, for a brief moment, I forget about the pain and loss. This reminder brought me back to the denial/acceptance stage, which felt like a significant step back. Just a few days before her passing, Harrison was constantly on my mind. He would have been 35 on the 24th. I never imagined that the list of young people I know who have passed away would continue to grow. I try to avoid the questions that always seem to come up. Why them? What could’ve been done differently to prevent this?

When we lose someone who had their whole lives ahead of them, the only thing I can do is to remind myself that every day is a gift and nothing short of a miracle.

Since December, I’ve added six aunts to my family tree. They’re all unique, but one of them has taken me under her wing. The others have been nice, but this aunt has a special way of making me feel welcome. We’ve been talking every week since we first met, and she always has something encouraging to say. It’s incredible to have someone who accepts me for who I am. It’s like she’s always been my aunt. I hope I can get to know the others better, but I’m happy with this too. Either way, I’m grateful and okay with this outcome.

Every day is a gift, so let’s make the most of it!

Posted on by V

Grandpa

I hope you’re watching over us today, as you would have been 78 years old. It’s a difficult truth to face—that I never had the chance to meet you. I can’t help but imagine all the moments we could’ve shared, the conversations we could’ve had about our mutual love for music, the fishing trips we could’ve gone on, or the countless boats you might have helped design. I think about the jewelry pieces we would’ve picked out together to add to my collection, and all the ways you could have shaped my life.

Talking to family has made me realize that everyone chose their own path in their relationship with you, but in my heart, I know that distance would never have been a barrier for us. There’s always been a quiet longing for you that’s never gone away. For much of my life, I’ve felt as though a part of me was missing, and it took me time to understand and find my way. But despite that ache, I’m endlessly grateful that I carried a piece of you with me all these years.

Music saved me when nothing else could, pulling me from so many dark places. It’s the thread that’s always bound me to you, even though you were never physically there. If you weren’t my grandpa, I honestly don’t know where I’d be today. You might not have been with me in body, but I’ve always felt your presence in spirit—through the music, the legacy, and the love you unknowingly passed down. For that, I’m forever thankful.

Continue to rest eternally♥️
Posted on by V

Bye 2024

This year was truly one for the books. I wish I would say it’s ending on a high note but I don’t necessarily think that is the case.

This New Year’s Eve has fallen victim to the crappy day tradition as most New Year’s Eves in my experience do.

So much transpired this year but there were some good in there as well. We found my dad’s paternal family and that was the biggest blessing. Although my grandpa has since passed I’m still so grateful to know who his family is and to know that we have all carried pieces of him with us without even knowing it.

Here’s to those who are no longer here with us.

Here’s to 2025. May the new year bring nothing but blessings. God is forever faithful and in control.

Posted on by V

Look At God

I spent months losing my mind for nothing. As always, making something out of nothing.

I finally reached out to my father’s paternal family and it went so much better than I could’ve ever imagined. I think I spent so much time worrying about what if things went wrong that I did not remember to think about what if they went right.. what a day it has been. I can’t thank God enough for coming through for us on this.

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Nobody’s Perfect

Since I received my dad’s Ancestry DNA results I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. We all know that in this life we are flawed human beings, but it wasn’t until I got the results that I felt the magnitude of what this means. It’s crazy how one persons choices affect generations down the line. It means coming to terms with not having questions answered the way we would like but also forgiving the fact that answers will not be cut and dry. It’s easy to feel resentment but what is the point? Resentment towards people who are no longer here to speak their truth? Or resentment towards those who did not miss out on half of their identity? There’s no point. This has taught me to be more aware of how my actions today cause a ripple effect for tomorrow. I feel robbed of the chance to be apart of this huge family but at the same time I’ve had a good life despite all the obstacles thrown our way. Not knowing half of our family has allowed dad and I to grow close and remain close as I became an adult. It’s taught us to appreciate what we had and I don’t think we would look at life the way we do now if we knew his father’s side of the family. Nothing is an accident. God does everything perfectly.

I’m beyond scared of rejection but I think before the year ends I will send one simple message and let the chips fall where they may. I’m praying someone sees my dad is their half sibling and wants to help us bridge that gap but if not, we’ll be okay. Carry on as if nothing has changed because ultimately it hasn’t. We just now know what our last name is scientifically.

Our new family members probably don’t even know what to do with this new information and I can’t be upset at that. It’s not everyday you find out you have family members out there that you have never known. It could be received well or completely be the worst thing to have happened to them. Time will well.

Posted on by V

Ancestry Results

Well, we did it…

Sunday December 8th, moments before I walked into church I received an e-mail that my dad’s Ancestry DNA Results were in. The results did not come as a surprise. However, I can’t help but feel as if I’m grieving. We won’t ever get answers straight from my grandfather but the details are no longer relevant. No one is to blame except unfortunate circumstances.

The four women I had matched with who were listed as possible half aunts/first cousins show up for my dad as half siblings. The other possibility does not make sense because it has already been confirmed that all of these women are half siblings themselves.

Months ago I came across pictures of the man who was their father and I instantly saw my dad looking back at me through him. In that moment my heart sunk at the thought that we missed our chance to know what seemed to be a great man. Anything we know of him moving forward will be through someone else’s lens. It’ll be through their perceptions and perspectives of the person he was. It breaks my heart to know that he is not here to welcome us into his family. I can’t imagine a world where he would not want to get to know us so I’m trying to keep my thoughts on the positive side.

My dad is relieved we finally have the answers we’ve been waiting for since May but I felt his sadness when we realized his father has truly passed. How dare we mourn a man we have never met? Typical us. I pray that whatever comes our way from here that God holds us in the hallow palm of his hands. I pray for comfort. I pray for peace and clarity.

We don’t have high expectations because we know the key piece of our story is not here to play the role of introducing us to the family but I truly hope at least one person wants to get to know us. We’ve spent years yearning for some sort of family connection and I hope we get to experience the good side of finding long lost family. On Reddit, I’ve read so many horror stories of families not wanting anything to do with new family members they find on the Ancestry portal and the fear of rejection has crippled me for months so I waited until I had my dads results to be sure. Now that I have his results, both he and my older brother are looking to me to reach out to someone and that is a lot to shoulder. I pray I don’t get left on read when I do work up the courage to send a message.

We don’t expect the family to want to make up for lost time. We’re all adults – strangers who share DNA. Their father’s passing is still recent so who knows what this could mean to them.

Throughout my young adolescent years, I struggled with self identity and seeking validation in all the wrong places. I feel this situation has tested years of therapy because I feel like I’m 14 again. Praying we are accepted, praying we don’t bring harm to this family, praying that this is a new beginning.

When I got home from church and sat in my car thinking about how much today is a monumental day, I saw two cardinal birds playing on a branch right by the car. I’m not superstitious by any means but I couldn’t help but feel they were our guardian angels. The grandfather I have never met coming to say hello.

No matter what the outcome of this is, my dad and brothers and I will always have each other. I will absolutely be a little hurt but life goes on. I opened this door when I submitted my test so this is my burden to shoulder if we are rejected.

I’m scared of saying the wrong thing and coming off as insensitive. I’m scared I’ve gotten my hopes up and my expectations will be my downfall. You’d think my counseling skills would make this less scary for me but nope.

Before I try to connect with anyone, I need to come to terms with the possibility of rejection so I don’t need years of therapy to work through being blindsided by an unfavorable outcome.

Here’s to family.

Posted on by V

Dad’s Sample

We got back to the states yesterday from a trip home. As always being in Jamaica is always good for the soul. We did a lot more relaxing this trip than any other. After the election we needed to unplug and unwind. I brought my dad’s Ancestry DNA sample back and mailed it in. We’re anxious but excited and scared at the same time. This could go either really well or very bad. Whatever the outcome will be, I keep reminding myself that life goes on.

Posted on by V

Jah Jah

I’ve been home in Jamaica for a few days and it’s been bitter sweet. I was able to meet my brother in person and that was spectacular. He picked us up at the airport after a hectic day of delays and then drove us through a storm to our dad’s house. This year has been the year of family discoveries and it’s not over just yet. We have one more DNA test to complete before we can put all of this to rest.

My dad says his mom had a picture of the man we suspect is his father in her room when he was a boy but after she died he didn’t know who the man was so they got rid of the picture with other belongings. It’s wild to think all these years the answers were right there but we just never knew. Same with my brother… I’m sure paths were crossed unknowingly.

It’s been a rocky year but I’m glad it’s almost over. When we get the last set of results a weight will be lifted I hope. I truly hope communication flows with the family the way it flows for my bother and I.

I pray my dad can stay focused when we get these results. I pray we get more questions answered than we are left with.

Posted on by V

Big Brother

10 days ago it was confirmed that we have located my older brother. All my life I’ve heard my dad speak of the possibility and we finally were able to connect the pieces together.

One of the reasons I took the ancestry DNA test was to possibly find a half sibling as well as hoping to find my paternal family. 2024 has been a wild year of family revelations and plot twists.

Family dynamics have shifted drastically and it’s not over because in two weeks or so I’ll be mailing in my dad’s DNA sample. Queue the anxiety🥴

I’m glad we found my older brother but it’s definitely strange not being the oldest anymore. I’ve thought a lot about what life would’ve been like if I grew up with a sibling who was only a year and two months older. I think some decisions would’ve been made differently but everything happens exactly how they are meant to, I know that much.

Posted on by V

Flowers

Flowers x Joshua Luke Smith Ft Madison Ryann Ward

Music is good for the soul. I think I may have gotten my love for music from my dad’s side. It’d be awesome to find out for sure someday. This song was released this past Friday and it’s been on repeat since. It was a great reminder to stop and smell the flowers on my way. Sometimes we get so caught up in what’s happening that we forget to take a moment to appreciate the little things. I needed this. It’s rare that you find music with meaning these days.

“Adonai will fulfill His purpose for me”

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Year apart

Today was interesting to say the least. I spoke to the young man who we think is my brother and I realized that we had similar experiences with our dating lives as well. I couldn’t help but think of how different things would’ve been if I had the advice of a sibling so close in age. I helped him reconnect with someone who means a lot to him. It was nice to realize that she might be his person. He’s possibly found his birth family and she was who he wanted to share that experience with. I know what it’s like to have that person as well. Ironically enough, I told him about my experience and hours later Snapchat told me that my ex is a friend suggestion. These apps are always listening.

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Fellowship

The past two nights we’ve had fellowship services where several church’s have come from all over to worship with us. I’m glad we were able to attend both nights. Each preacher left me with a word.

So much has been going through my mind but I was able to get some clarity. I love going into a service feeling overwhelmed and leaving feeling like a load has been lifted. God is good.

All the time.

God is good, for that reason I have to trust that he’s working all things out for our good. He’s always on time, prior to learning our DNA results I always thought I was a pretty patient person. Now? I think I’ve just started to learn. Wrestling everyday with the question as to whether we should reach out or not has been tough.

It’s still a waiting game.. but what if they’re waiting for me to initiate communication while I’m waiting for the same? Ugh, one of these days I’m just going to jump and hope I stick the landing..

Cheers🥂

Posted on by V

Late Night Chronicles

Dad: “Well Shad, I’d hope that they have a heart because it sounds like he had a heart.”

Me: Not as optimistic “uh huh”

I told him that I noticed another one of the sisters was on the Ancestry DNA portal last week. I did not send a message to her initially because someone in connection to them had already responded to me. When I log on the DNA matches are right in front of my face. I can’t help but wonder if they see me in their matches and are curious as to who I am. Or if they aren’t even phased by the possibility that I am a close relative of theirs.

Hoping my dad is correct. Truly.

Posted on by V

Rabbit hole

So much for being brave… 😆

The day I posted that, I got a Reddit notification from the Ancestry DNA subreddit which shot that confidence down. The post said it would’ve been better off if they hadn’t taken the test and found their birth dad. Turns out he completely abandoned the guy at 2 years old and did not die in Vietnam. Raised several other children and was a phenomenal dad.

I think that’s part of my fear as well. I fear being rejected. It’s already slightly happened. One of the half sisters didn’t bother to respond to my message but two did. I think my 1st message could’ve been better though. I was a bit abrupt and insensitive but I think I panicked honestly. I saw the matches and recognized no one and just let impulse take over. I didn’t stop to think how weird this might be for them and I never thought about a scenario where we would be at the mercy of family. Out of the two who responded, only one took the time out to hear me out and give some great advice on this new revelation. She’s the one I share the most DNA with so it’s crazy to think I instantly felt comfortable speaking to her. The other one responded once but nothing since.

Maybe she’s waiting for me to send a message on another social media platform? Maybe she wants nothing to do with more family members popping up? My mind always thinks the worst. It suck’s because until I test my dad it’s just speculation that they are my half aunts.

My gut is telling me I’m right and she’s never usually wrong but I feel this way due to the resemblance of my dad to theirs. Sadly their dad passed away 2 years ago. I found a live stream record of his funeral. While watching it the part where family spoke about their dad all I heard was them describing mine. From personality right down to hobbies. Could it be that my dad was so alike this man who isn’t his biological father or are our suspicions correct in that he is their half brother? What are the odds that my dad looks so much like an uncle rather than his dad? I don’t think I’d share so much DNA with the woman I spoke to the most if their dad was my father’s uncle. Every AI simulation I’ve ran came back that they are my half aunts. No other scenario made sense.

I understand that this would’ve been easier if their father was alive. He could’ve confirmed and been the person introducing us to the family but we missed that chance. Although I’m sad we didn’t get to meet him, it was very comforting hearing all the wonderful things about him and hearing how similar my dad is to him.

We might not have met him but I feel like my dad being similar to him makes up for it.

Whatever the reason was that my dad never knew who he was is no one’s fault. We aren’t upset at him or the family. How can we be? Odds are he had no idea my dad was out there and if he did, well, oh well? We’ll most likely never know but either way we forgive him for being absent. We forgive my grandma for not being forthcoming with the information about my dad’s father. We found out from her brother that the last name we have is from a man she met some months into her pregnancy. He wanted to raise the baby with her but plans fell through before my dad was born and she still gave him the last name knowing it wasn’t his father anyways. We’ve all been young and dumb. Not my grandma’s finest moment but I’m not in a place to judge. My dad was told that the man we thought his father was didn’t want anything to do with him because my grandma didn’t want to marry him at the time. If we had known that his father’s identity was truly unknown I would’ve taken the test years prior. That’s my only regret. It breaks my heart to know that we possibly missed our chance to know a great man. Even if he wasn’t great, just the way his family described him makes me feel like we would’ve loved him.

We don’t want money or anything from the family.. for years I struggled with a sense of identity so for me what I crave is family connection. What my dad craves is the same. I pray we don’t get rejected whenever I have the balls to reach out on insta but like my dad says, we’ll always have each other – no matter what.