noun: inadequacy; plural noun: inadequacies

1. the state or quality of being inadequate; lack of the quantity or quality required. Incompetence, incapability, unfitness, ineffectiveness, inefficacy, lack of skill, lack of proficiency, ineptness, uselessness, hopelessness, impotence, powerlessness.

As of recently, feelings of personal inadequacy have emerged with an army of discouraging thoughts to go with it. Most days I’ll feel like I’m in a box and the walls are closing in around me. Most days I feel like trash. Most days I feel that’s how others see me as well – trash. Today the feelings are: insignificant, useless, hopeless, confused, ignored, restless, miserable and most importantly misunderstood.

A few hours ago I found myself taking a particular interest in a subject that pertained to someone else. Someone who completely disregards my existence along with others around them (or so it feels). For years these feelings of inadequacy have surrounded me but lately the feelings have grown to be more intense I suppose. I’ve never fought back and I’ve allowed perceptions to be what others want them to be rather than taking a stand for the truth and what is right. I’ve never been the type to care about what people thought or how I was seen through someone else’s eyes. I’ve never fought to clear my name.

My mother always told me it’s not good to not completely care what anyone thinks.

I still don’t care much but with certain individuals it’s hard not to. It’s not even so much that I crave acceptance because I have never been the kind to yearn for being accepted in a group per se, but it’s the fact that attitudes and behaviors steered my way have left me with many questions as to what I have ever done to deserve that.

In my teenage years I spent a lot of time feeling not as important as everyone else. For years those feelings of despair affected how I put myself out there boldly in doing things that I knew for sure wouldn’t get me overlooked, it affected how I went about relationships and even simple friendships. It affected how I acted on social media platforms and one day all the running I did finally caught up to me.

Now that I’m older fast forwarding years into the future I think I’ve done well accepting life for what it is. I’ve grown comfortable with solitude. Now I feel that I’m back to the time in my life where everyone judged before they knew. People assume and accuse and those assumptions and accusations spread like wild fire. A ripple effect if we must label it as such. The difference with this time and the past is I have given people nothing to speculate from. Which has led to the confusion I feel today.

I’m not even sure if it’s speculations or that I am just completely overlooked. Nothing about me appeals to these people. Not even my mere existence. Facing that reality for what it is is depressing for lack of a better term.

These people have the ability to strip me of my sanity and everything I’ve worked for when it comes to my mental health and I refuse to go down without a fight this time.

I will not hold my tongue for anyone.