We’re all more alike than we’d ever imagine. We all battle similar obstacles and go through the same phases of life. The major difference is that some of us can put on a better show for the crowd. The ones who can’t wear their hearts on their sleeves. Others are hard to read.
“It ain’t always what it seems when you look happy” is often life’s melody.
Reminder: you may not win the battle but God has already won the war.
12:12am
It’s been a long week and what felt like it should have been Friday was only Thursday. On a positive note, I had a white moth inside my house earlier. It followed me inside somehow and while I’m not necessarily superstitious, it’s said that moths are seen as a sign of good luck. They’re even seen as guardian angels in some cultures. Cool, isn’t it?
As my birthday creeps up it was giving reassurance as these young kids say😭. And for those who have to google most lingos like myself, it means it gives off a certain vibe, exhibits certain qualities, or impression.
Reassurance that everything’s going to be alright. I know everything is working out for my good. I’m forever trusting the process.
In purchasing a book for my sister’s summer reading, I stumbled upon one that has been on my “saved for later” list for quite some time. I think it’s a great choice for the mini quarter life crisis I seem to be having. Necessary Losses by Judith Viorst. Recommended by my therapist years ago and more recently an actress spoke about the book briefly and brought my attention back to it.
If you’ve read the book, what are your thoughts?
Thursday the first marked 14 years without Harry. I couldn’t bring myself to jot down my thoughts because the emotions were so raw. My mind asked the same what if questions and the why him questions just as they did the night I got the news. Then today a friend who lost her father on Wednesday sent me this page from a book which I’ll post below. It spoke to my soul in ways I didn’t know I needed. It reminded me that it’s okay to still miss Harry after 14 years. And it reminded me that it’s okay to feel sadness on that day no matter how long it’s been. There’s no wrong way to grieve a loss. The amount of time it takes you to grieve is nothing to be shamed of either.
This year was by far one of the most trying for many of us. The global pandemic affected us in more ways than we could have ever imagined. I’ve also learned so much about myself this year as well.
In a year where life as we knew it changed overnight one day in March due to lockdowns I found that this year I craved a lot of “normalcy”. I craved the things that felt comfortable and some of that included people who today are no longer the people they were when they represented what was normal to me.
Four years ago one night in December my world changed forever and while then I tried to hold on to the little I could, this year I realized it was time to let go and finally close chapters I kept rewriting in my head. I held on to promises made that were unrealistic. I held on to someone I was so sure would be around through all my adult years.
As time has gone on I’ve realized that this person served their purpose in my life. The story has ended and there’s no way to rewrite it. We played pivotal roles in each other’s lives at one point but we’ve been on different journeys for years now. I guess I was just never ready to truly admit that our promises were naive. The thing is something can cause a bond to exist but eventually that thing is no longer the most important aspect in either of our lives. When that happens we become people that neither of us recognize. The bond grows thin day by day until it no longer exists and that’s life.
So while I craved that sense of comfortability many of these last 365 days I’m leaving that desire in 2020. It’s best I walk away and leave our promise in the year that caused so much pain and loss for many. A lot of people lost loved ones and friends this year due to Covid-19. A lot of people lost jobs due to the pandemic and a lot of small business owners lost their livelihoods. So in a year where people will forever mourn so much I’m choosing to leave this bond here as well.
This year, I can say in the U.S. with over three hundred thousand people dead from Covid-19, I survived it. Six members of my family survived the virus. Many days this year we saw stories of families losing more than one member to the virus but I was fortunate.
I will eternally be grateful for surviving this thing because many were not as lucky. I will always be grateful that no one in my family had to rely on unemployment insurance benefits at any time this year. I will always be grateful for the ability to have helped those in need this year. I’m thankful for love, health, family, friends and financial stability.
May 2021 bring you nothing but joy, peace, and memories that will repair our hearts after such a cruel year. Cheers.🥂
“Oh, it’s better up ahead
The worst is over now
Remember what I said
Live, you don’t have to look back
But if you ever do,
You know where I’m at” – Gavin DeGraw
Sometimes somethings spontaneously come to our minds and you can’t help but wish they hadn’t.
Ten years ago this date held great meaning. In the most recent years this date is one I dread an awful lot. Looking back, the disappointment in the outcome is definitely my fault. I think from the beginning I had an unrealistic expectation of how things would remain in tact forever. Things never stay the same though. We went from what I thought would’ve been a life long friendship to one that barely exists. Adjusting to that change has been painful if we’re being real. I went from having someone I knew I could count on to not knowing if reaching out is even worth it anymore. Conversations are minimal at best. The purpose that the friendship served has ran its course. Accepting that has been difficult nonetheless.
I feel that I’ll always be here if I’m ever needed but I have a feeling I’ll never be needed.
Despite everything, I still wish good things for the future. I still send positive vibes that way. Always have and always will. Cheers to 28.
Over the last 4 years I’ve spend a lot of time analyzing the way things could’ve turned out different. Analyzing all the choices that were made and how situations could’ve been handled differently. For years I blamed myself for mishandling the situation and as a result costing myself someone I valued quite a bit.
Time went on and as they say time heals all wounds. The disappointment in myself lessened. I learned different ways to handle similar situations if I were to ever find myself in that situation again. I made peace with my choices and the outcomes of consequences I had to live with. I accepted how life was after the fact.
Now, I feel I have a privilege I never saw coming or planned for. In some ways I’m sort of slightly freaking out because I don’t know where to go from here. I know what direction I want things to go in but I’m not sure that’s even possible. I know what I want but I’m not sure the ball is in my court in that sense. I don’t think I’m in a position to really call the shots. With that being said, I don’t want to let this chance slip through my fingertips.
One day at a time, eh?
I’ve started to accept the reality of a situation I’m in and while it’s definitely sobering I can’t say I’m too happy with how I’m feeling. It’s so hard deciding against what your heart is telling you to do sometimes. Stuck between wanting to follow my heart but knowing I should be rational or so much goes on the line.
They say fool me once shame on you but fool me twice shame on me. I’m a firm believer in once something happens twice that shouldn’t have happened the first time it then evolves from a mistake to a choice. We so easily fall into the trap of constant forgiving and giving chances after chances and it takes courage to stand up and say no more even it if goes against every fiber in your body at the time.
Knowing your worth is important. Never compromise or lose sight of that for anyone or anything. Don’t get lost in the idea of what could be so much that you overlook what’s right in front of you.
Whenever I’m barked at by anyone I tend to retreat within myself and I stay there for long periods of time. Something about getting yelled at just makes me feel so small and essentially unloved. They say love is not easily puffed up but that seems to be the only kind of love I’ve known.
Does that mean I have yet to experience true love?
When it’s reoccurring is it then a choice to make me feel small?
Sometimes I don’t feel I deserve that no matter what I may or may not have done and that’s where I’m wrestling with myself. Do I stay or do I seek out greener grass?
It’s hard to cope with emotional and verbal abuse. They know it’s not easy but they’ll point out not knowing how or why you stay.
The answer is because I’m fucking stupid that’s why or how I stay. My stupidity will only keep me here for so long though. After awhile when I’m fed up nothing will hold me. It’s to a point where I am fed up to an extent but there’s still a small light beam of hope that’s slowly growing dim. When that goes out completely there will be no going back.
I’m a lot more delicate than one may assume.
Grief hits us in waves. Mourning and fighting through grief is not simply black and white. It’s not as easy as just not thinking about the loss or getting over it. Don’t let anyone dictate how you should grieve and mourn a loss. Whether it be loss of a loved one, loss of a friend or friendship, and in general loss of anything that filled a void. We heal on our own terms. Some losses take longer to heal than others and that’s also perfectly normal and perfectly okay. We always need time to truly adjust to a new reality. That’s also okay.
There are various types of heartbreaks…
Last night I didn’t necessarily take the time out to write down what exactly caused me to relate so much to that song by Jhene Aiko. It’s a song I’ve heard so many times but for some reason last night those lyrics resonated in my mind all night. The month of July has always been an important month. We have anniversaries, birthdays and death anniversaries. Yesterday I found myself trying to remember a date that used to have such a significant meaning to me and someone I used to be close with. When I realized I had completely forgotten until weeks has now gone by it caused a wave of emotion to come over me. I felt triggered by the memories. Feeling triggered wasn’t necessarily a bad thing but again I was reminded that moving forward for me has been always leaving everything up to time. I used to always be on the run when it comes to my emotions until they caught up to me and it was too late to cope in a healthy way. Now I’ve learned that if I deal with what I’m feeling time will eventually heal all. Eventually my life will be so past that point that memories won’t be easily triggered. I was surprised at how long it took me to remember the date I was trying to. Surprised and reassured that years ago when I thought I couldn’t live on my own I was wrong. Wrong and most likely super dramatic at that.
“Tryna let the time fly (yeah)
Tryna let the time go by
Tryna let the time heal all
Tryna let the time kill all
Of our memories
All you meant to me
All that history
All that’s history
I’ll calm down eventually”
Making Something Out Of Nothing 