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Bye 2024

This year was truly one for the books. I wish I would say it’s ending on a high note but I don’t necessarily think that is the case.

This New Year’s Eve has fallen victim to the crappy day tradition as most New Year’s Eves in my experience do.

So much transpired this year but there were some good in there as well. We found my dad’s paternal family and that was the biggest blessing. Although my grandpa has since passed I’m still so grateful to know who his family is and to know that we have all carried pieces of him with us without even knowing it.

Here’s to those who are no longer here with us.

Here’s to 2025. May the new year bring nothing but blessings. God is forever faithful and in control.

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Woah

All my life my dad has said he may have a son out there that was slightly older than I am. Well, Saturday he ran into someone who knew a young man who is most likely the son we’ve been looking for. It’s wild to think my family dynamic maybe changing yet again. Like us the young man is adamant on a paternity test so there is no room for doubt. I love that, can’t wait for the results and hoping he is indeed my half sibling. From the little bit that I’ve chatted with him it feels like I’ve known him my whole life. Life is crazy.

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Losses

Death puts so much into respective. My grandmas sister passed away earlier this month and this past Sunday was the funeral. I ended up traveling to FL for less than 48 hours to attend the funeral. The days following her passing I was fine emotionally. As the date got closer to say our final goodbyes it started to dawn on me that life is still very short. Seeing her in the casket shook me to my core. She was unrecognizable. There were so many emotions.. I’m still in disbelief.

Life is short so take the risks. Do what makes you happy regardless of what the world will say. Say what you have to say because you might never get the chance if you don’t cease the moment.

The fear of rejection has kept me from reaching out to my dad’s family but now more than ever I’m ready to take the risks.

If they leave us on read then so be it.

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We are the same

We’re all more alike than we’d ever imagine. We all battle similar obstacles and go through the same phases of life. The major difference is that some of us can put on a better show for the crowd. The ones who can’t wear their hearts on their sleeves. Others are hard to read.

“It ain’t always what it seems when you look happy” is often life’s melody.

Reminder: you may not win the battle but God has already won the war.

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Cabo

It’s been a week since we got back from Cabo and I’m just finally feeling like myself again. We had a thirty hour travel journey home and it was brutal.

Although it’s a journey to and from Cabo, the town stole my heart. I can’t wait to go back for more than an extended weekend. I loved that we got to support mom and pop restaurants. We ate breakfast at the same spot everyday and I’m glad we decided to go off the tourist path. The locals were amongst some of the friendliest I’ve met. We also had some of the best coffee we’ve ever had too. That was the last thing we expected to rave about when we got home but the family who operates the restaurant should be proud of their hard work.

So far 30 has been good to me. Today I unlocked a new level of production at work and that’s a huge accomplishment. Since I’ve been back production has skyrocketed and I’m only trying to keep the momentum going. We spent Saturday and Sunday afternoon with my in-laws. Lately, steak dinners and a Netflix movie has been our thing. In three weeks my sister in law and niece will be here to visit from Germany and we’re excited. We haven’t seen them since Christmas and the baby has gotten so big. It’s cool having family all over but it awful when you feel like you’re missing crucial moments of their lives. Still grateful for all the time we get though. Some people don’t even get that much.

Aiming to make the 30’s my glass half full decade.

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Moth

12:12am

It’s been a long week and what felt like it should have been Friday was only Thursday. On a positive note, I had a white moth inside my house earlier. It followed me inside somehow and while I’m not necessarily superstitious, it’s said that moths are seen as a sign of good luck. They’re even seen as guardian angels in some cultures. Cool, isn’t it?

As my birthday creeps up it was giving reassurance as these young kids say😭. And for those who have to google most lingos like myself, it means it gives off a certain vibe, exhibits certain qualities, or impression.

Reassurance that everything’s going to be alright. I know everything is working out for my good. I’m forever trusting the process.

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One Month

Today according to social media is 6 years since my husband and I have been friends. But this friendsversary was even more special because we also celebrated one month of marriage today. Married life has been great. I feel safe knowing that I have my life partner.

In giving thanks for what I have I can’t help but think about those who long for companionship but don’t have the same luxury that my husband and I have. Wishing everyone longing for their person nothing but love and clarity while your person makes their way to you.

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Forever

Today I was watching an episode of One Tree Hill where they talked about how the idea of forever usually scares us as humans and it got me thinking…

The idea of forever has been the most comforting thing to me. I understand why it may be scary for some but for me the idea of forever has been what has kept me going many times. We see forever in so many aspects of life in both deeds and people. I find that in temporary situations that may be horrible to navigate, forever gets me through because I have hope for the future.

The idea of forever is absolute. I take comfort in knowing that there are things I will have continually. People, relationships, deeds committed, memories, dreams, etc.

The idea of spending “forever” with a partner is exhilarating. The same can be said about having a friendship that carry’s on “forever”.. Knowing that the things we do in this life sticks with us forever keeps me in check. It keeps me from living with regrets. It forces me to do right. It keeps me accountable. Having certain memories forever is humbling because sometimes memories are all we’ve got of someone or something we held close to our hearts. Maintaining dreams give us something to work towards or simply just challenges us to never settle.

When things get dark I remind myself that it isn’t forever and roll with it until the sun shines again.

Strange?

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Wasted Time

It’s 3am and although I want to say today because I haven’t slept yet it’s truly yesterday that this took place.

I learned that an acquaintance and his wife have divorced. It is one of those things that just catch you off guard. They were the couple I would say was considered “goals”. They were the couple I admired more than anything. I found out one side of the reason behind the decision but for some reason I just can’t wrap my mind around it nor is it my place to I guess but, I can’t help it. When I think of marriage to me it’s a commitment. A commitment that should last a lifetime unless there’s infidelity, abuse or other extreme circumstances.

Love is kind, love suffers long, endures all things, isn’t easily puffed up, etc etc.

What has me stumped I guess is not understanding how a person can move on so easily as if a marriage meant nothing. How can a person bounce back so quickly if they truly love the person? I don’t want to seem biased in the situation but I know that I’m not the kind of person to bounce back easily. I know that when I love someone that’s not something that can be turned off and that’s not something that goes away over night either.

I guess, I’m saying all of this to say that when I am married I would hope that if my husband was not happy he would communicate that and exhaust all other options to fix our issue before deciding the world is more enticing or more appealing than my love. I admire the marriages that last through heartaches and pains. The marriages that push what it means to love and forgive to the limit and still make it through stronger than before.

I aspire to have a love like my grandparents’. The one where we are a team and that dynamic never changes. The one where we make every decision together, the one where we always show a united front, the one where there are no secrets. The one where we fall in love more and more with each other each day.

Love isn’t always fair. Someone in most cases always ends up with the short end of the stick but when love is experienced with honesty, understanding and compassion it’s unlike anything else we’ll ever experience. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with someone who feels the same. I pray that I marry someone who wants to spend forever and a day by my side even on my worst days. Someone who believes marriage is as sacred and meaningful as I do.

My worst fear is that I’ll give my heart to someone who will wake up one day after years of life together and decide they don’t love me anymore and would rather experience the world without me. My fear is wasting my time.