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13 years

Reflecting on a great soul that we lost on this day 13 years ago. No July 1st is an easy day. Every year this day reminds me of the light this world lost. It reminds me of the night my life flipped upside down. It reminds of the night I questioned so many things about life. This was the first real loss that affected me in an indescribable way. The loss that caused true pain and a pain that it took so long to learn how to live with. That’s the thing when we lose loved ones. There’s not a day that their presence isn’t missed but we remember the good times we had. Sometimes I wish I could have a conversation about life and all the things that have happened since 2007 but it is what is it.

So many terrible things have happened this year, 2020. So many people have lost loved ones during this time. Today a family lays a mother to rest. As if today wasn’t an already terrible day we add another death and another significance to the date. I only pray for comfort and strength. I pray that this family knows that there’s no right way to grieve and there is no time on how long grieving should take.

Harry, the days, well they go by but I always try to grow and move forward. Can only hope I’ve made you proud. I miss you forever.

Posted on by V

I Can’t Breathe

Again it’s been awhile. I’ve noticed that sometimes I avoid writing because there’s so much I would like to get down but I just never know where to begin. So much has happened over the last few months and it’s been overwhelming, emotionally and physically. With covid-19 still being a threat and George Floyd losing his life due to police brutality and the aftermath of that my mind has been so cumbered. While still being cautious I’ve been asking myself a lot lately how I can contribute to change amongst the black community. As everyone knows there have been protests that have escalated into riots and two weeks ago when the President tweeted that when the looting starts the shooting starts I was shaken to my core. I’ll share something I posted on another social media outlet just because it sums up how I’ve been feeling the last couple of weeks. The initial anger and fear is not nearly as high as it was when I posted this but this unfortunate event opened my eyes to see so many different thought processes on the issue of racism and the biases in this country.

This cause needs whites and other ethnicities and races not considered minorities to stand with those oppressed. Some of the most influential people in my life are people who looked at me and felt I deserved a little extra love. If we were all kind to one another in that sense this world would be a better place.

“And instead of pushing for immediate arrest of the four officers he decided shooting black people is the best option. If you are more upset with the fires, looting etc opposed to the officers STILL not being charged kindly delete yourself from my page. And if you can’t understand the level of tiredness, anger, fear, distrust etc etc etc that is felt across the black community then please also delete yourself and save your comments for someone else. If these officers were charged we wouldn’t be seeing the situation we’re seeing now – how about you all criticize that. Save the fight this with love comments, save the MLK references, save the violence solves nothing comments, save the not all officers are bad comments too. If you have 1000 good cops and 10 bad cops and the good cops see their colleagues engaging in racist behavior and do nothing, you have 1010 bad cops. When you feel your back is against a wall and there are no other options it defaults to this. When black people constantly have to worry about their fathers, brothers, sons, daughters, mothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, nephews, nieces, grandparents, spouses, friends etc think about the emotional toll that must take when this continues year after year with no change. Y’all harp on mental health so much but people like me see an officer and instantly our hearts start to race and breathing gets heavy because of the continuous ANXIETY felt because of these situations. (Driving next to a trooper last night only the grace of God kept my hands from shaking off the wheel because of the instant fear I felt while he drove along side me in the next lane purposely NOT driving the speed limit to see who would pass him). How many of you have had to sit your children down and explain that because of the COLOR of their skin they are a potential target or can easily be the reason for the next BLM protest even while complying? Check your privilege the next time you want to say the behavior is uncalled for or even think it. Many of you are silent on these issues and I SEE YOU. Your silence speaks volumes so don’t think you’re just “staying out of it”. How many of you criticizers are prepared to stand up for people of color when you see these injustices occurring in everyday life? You say don’t record – intervene but while we intervene we’ll end up dead too. You privileged folks can intervene knowing guns won’t be drawn and instantly fired we don’t have that peace of mind. Understand, empathize, use your privilege for good. If you feel situations can be handled differently JOIN the cause, share your thoughts in a way that will bring about the change you claim you want to see for people of color, otherwise stay in your lane. If you’re a family member or close friend and you are offended by this post please feel free to express your opinion privately. If you’re not an ally you’re an enemy.

These tests aren’t 100% accurate but the results will get you thinking/talking one way or another.
https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/“

Hope y’all are staying mentally sane and healthy through all of this as I’m trying to do the same. As states start relaxing their social distancing rules stay vigilant.

Posted on by V

4/19

Ten years ago this date held great meaning. In the most recent years this date is one I dread an awful lot. Looking back, the disappointment in the outcome is definitely my fault. I think from the beginning I had an unrealistic expectation of how things would remain in tact forever. Things never stay the same though. We went from what I thought would’ve been a life long friendship to one that barely exists. Adjusting to that change has been painful if we’re being real. I went from having someone I knew I could count on to not knowing if reaching out is even worth it anymore. Conversations are minimal at best. The purpose that the friendship served has ran its course. Accepting that has been difficult nonetheless.

I feel that I’ll always be here if I’m ever needed but I have a feeling I’ll never be needed.

Despite everything, I still wish good things for the future. I still send positive vibes that way. Always have and always will. Cheers to 28.

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For now

The thing about hesitation is that in just a second opportunity can pass us by. Sometimes we’re faced with choices and we hesitate. Sometimes only to wish we had acted sooner later on down the road.

Sometimes we’re blinded by the thoughts of what could be that we miss what is happening in front of our eyes. Someone who makes you question your standards is not someone who should be apart of your life. Someone who makes you feel at fault for standing your ground shouldn’t be apart of your life. Someone who chooses to ignore you when you don’t do exactly what they say isn’t someone who should be apart of your life. They’ll claim it’s not because you rejected having them dictate your actions but we both know it is deep down. Behaviors change but there’s consistency if that makes sense. Take note of the changes and when they occur and you’ll know what someone’s true intentions are for you. Don’t be fooled. There are wolves in sheep’s clothing. If they can’t respect your wishes without switching up fuck ‘em. They don’t deserve to be apart of your life.

You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Live unapologetically always. Stay true to you always.

Posted on by V

Murphy pt2

Not everyone gets lucky enough to find someone who also loves them despite all the superficial BS. We deserve it yes but there are times when just because we love someone it doesn’t mean we end up ever being with them romantically. Sometimes you can be so sure a person is your soulmate but life’s circumstances just never allow it to go beyond the feeling you get in your gut. The sad thing about that though is that the feelings never go away. In time you learn to live with it, live despite of it, and even live loving others but there will always be the part that holds on to the love felt for the one you never had. In some ways that love may inspire new loves. Sometimes people see others in someone and settle, sometimes it’s the thing we compare others to and decide based on that whether they’re worth giving our hearts to and sometimes we don’t truly give our heart to anyone else at all. Love has so many outcomes. Many good and many bad. Everyone experience the different facets of love one way or another so no matter what the circumstances are we’re never alone in how love makes us feel. There’s always someone who can relate.

Posted on by V

Murphy

The show that has been getting me through Covid-19 is surprisingly The Good Doctor. The most recent episode I’ve seen caused my thoughts to stray just a little bit. Just as a quick overview, the protagonist has autism but despite that he’s a brilliant surgeon. He’s navigating through different aspects of life, learning to communicate better, love better, listen better, etc. He falls in love with a girl who ultimately doesn’t love him in a romantic way because of his autism. That drives Murphy insane to an extent. He became obsessed with showing her he was capable of being her boyfriend despite his limitations.

Saying all of that to say this, he did not feel that he was enough. It’s insane how unfair love can seem at times. We can’t help who we love and it’s always a gamble because what if the person you love doesn’t love you back? We spend so much time fighting what seem like inadequacies that we miss the important lessons in life. Whether we feel we lack qualities someone’s looking for or if we’re simply just out of their league everyone deserves to be loved minus all the superficial things.

Posted on by V

Analyzing

“You over analyze things” – undeniably so. We go from not wanting parts of someone without having all of them to realizing that maybe having parts of someone is better than not having any parts of them at all. Interesting how in just a few short weeks the mindset has changed knowingly or unknowingly.

Thank others for choosing to stay – somehow it should mean a great lot. In friendships and everything beyond that.

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Actions Speak

Actions speak louder than words. People make time for who they want to make time for. No one is ever too busy to text back or check in one you occasionally. If you’re important to them these things will come naturally. It won’t feel like you require a lot of attention. You won’t be tasked with wondering if you’re a burden/annoyance or whatever. Remember.

Posted on by V

Covid-19

Damn, can we catch a break?

It’s taken me a few weeks to process what’s been happening in the world. This virus has had us on an insane rollercoaster ride. It went from being a hoax to a monster demolishing our health and economy. With a majority of the state shut down in response to COVID-19 many people get to stay home but my job is considered essential for the health and wellbeing of the citizen in the state so I’ve been going into work everyday as I normally would. This thing is almost like a silent killer for the contagious period where people may show no symptoms. You simply don’t know who has it around you and I think that’s the most challenging part.

All over the world people have been in a panic over this virus. From not having adequate testing and safety equipment to panic shopping – it’s gotten out of hand. People are dying whether it’s just another strain of the flu or whether it’s not. The virus is easily transmitted whether it’s like flu or not. Nurses and doctors risk their lives and possibly infecting their families and loved ones for those who are ill whether it’s like the flu or not.

Today I went grocery shopping thinking I would pick up a few things that I’m running low on and I couldn’t stand being out for more than 15 minutes before getting angry about the condition I saw the stores in. I saw empty shelves and bare necessities are nowhere to be found. That made me severely aggravated because I thought about those who are worst off than I am. I figured if I’m not completely out of the items I was looking for at home and I was that aggravated then I could only imagine what others who are more desperate than I am are feeling. I can only imagine how the elderly are feeling distraught not finding what they need on top of the fear of picking up the virus. I can only imagine what the new mother is feeling not able to find wipes for her two week old baby.

Unemployment rates are higher than ever and so much is unknown about the future. Many businesses have closed and it’s sad to see so many be affected by this. In a time when it’s so easy to be consumed by fear and uncertainty we must remain hopeful.

Be kind to one another and in times like these help each other.

Posted on by V

Good Mystery

Everyone loves a good mystery. Is it possible to be infatuated by intrigue? I would like to believe so but sometimes I just feel too far into my thoughts.

Many people are naturally fascinated or intrigued by a proverbial stranger. Lack of knowledge about a person allows our imagination to run wild.

Our own perception can be the most dangerous part I feel. This is so because our perception may allow us to look at a person and their actions in a more favorable light than deserved. People keep secrets for many reasons. One being avoiding commitment or becoming entangled emotionally. Ironically though, the tactics people use to avoid intimacy are typically the driving forces in what makes them more desirable.

Mysterious strangers prefer to focus on the physical and keep relationships as casual as possible rather than incorporating sexual partners into their everyday lives.

It’s important to be aware of these mysterious strangers. It’s important to be cautious and not allow the unknown to cloud our vision. Secrets stand in the way of so many things. The upside to that though is that some people are secretive not because they are living double lives or are unfaithful but because of insecurities and even fear of rejection. People are also not as forthcoming with information they feel will cast them into a bad light.

Either way, in these situations only time will tell whether the mystery was worth getting sucked into or not.

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Rekindle

There’s that saying that says if it’s meant to be it will be. It’s been on my mind a bit lately. We drift from people and that could be a combination of friends and family but sometimes we have an opportunity to pull the pieces back together and reconnect and that can never be taken for granted. Sometimes you can jump right back into where things left off but other times you wade through a bit of knee deep water before things feel like they’re back to what they were. Essentially, years go by and people change but even with that it’s still possible to rekindle a friendship. There are those rare cases when so much time has passed that rekindling a friendship just isn’t worth the effort. Not necessarily saying there are ill intentions or bad blood but we’re just on different paths and going in different directions. The key is being prepared for either one of those outcomes regardless of what you really want.

Posted on by V

Goodbye 2019

This year and the decade overall has been filled with many ups and downs for me. To make a very long story short I lost myself, I lost friends, I lost loved ones, I’ve been abused, I’ve been the abuser, I’ve wallowed in my misery, I’ve brushed my shoes off and kept walking, I’ve been broken and I’ve been in repair. The repair process has been a journey that I needed to embark on alone and without any of the experiences I wouldn’t have the strength I need to keep going. I’ve come to terms with everything. Everyday I see more and more that all of those things happened for a reason. Reasons that I wouldn’t have understood then but I’m proud of the personal growth and self love that this decade of ups and downs has allowed me have.

One important thing I learned this year is that it’s okay to mourn. Sometimes we grieve the living. Things change.

  • I’m grateful for all the lessons I’ve learned and all the people who were in my life in those seasons of learning. Everyone has serve a purpose whether it’s great or small and I can only hope that I’ve served more positive purposes than negative in the lives of others as they look back on closing out this decade.
  • I’m leaving this decade behind with love and clarity. Something I can’t say I’ve had at the same time before. Here’s to hoping the next decade is even more phenomenal and here’s to hoping we all continue to grow into being more understanding individuals.

    • V

    Posted on by V

    Tread lightly

    Over the last 4 years I’ve spend a lot of time analyzing the way things could’ve turned out different. Analyzing all the choices that were made and how situations could’ve been handled differently. For years I blamed myself for mishandling the situation and as a result costing myself someone I valued quite a bit.

    Time went on and as they say time heals all wounds. The disappointment in myself lessened. I learned different ways to handle similar situations if I were to ever find myself in that situation again. I made peace with my choices and the outcomes of consequences I had to live with. I accepted how life was after the fact.

    Now, I feel I have a privilege I never saw coming or planned for. In some ways I’m sort of slightly freaking out because I don’t know where to go from here. I know what direction I want things to go in but I’m not sure that’s even possible. I know what I want but I’m not sure the ball is in my court in that sense. I don’t think I’m in a position to really call the shots. With that being said, I don’t want to let this chance slip through my fingertips.

    One day at a time, eh?

    Posted on by V

    Christmas 19

    Overall, this Christmas was the best one I’ve had in quite a few years. I’m thankful for the level of understanding that was displayed by members of the family. I’m thankful for the quality time spent. I’m thankful for all the laughter and banter. I feel truly blessed as this year winds down.

    This holiday is usually just another one where there are certain family members that are not around either because they are in a different part of the world and couldn’t be present or because of death. While their presence will always be missed a day like today is really one where you just take in everything around you. Appreciate what’s right here and now in front of you. Here’s to hoping someday we’re all in the same geographic location.

    I can only hope the ones not here due to death have found peace and are resting easy. While trying to enjoy the moment H you are not forgotten.

    Thankful for forgiveness also.. hearing from someone I haven’t spoken to in a long time was unexpected but forgiveness is everything.

    Tomorrow the 26th marks four years. How time has passed.. and how things have changed for the better. Cheers.

    Posted on by V

    F Anxiety

    So anxiety is a bitch. I spent all day having nervous breakdowns and worrying about how things would be at this Christmas Eve party just to show up and have it be better than my anxiety could’ve allowed me to imagine. Needless to say, I’m glad that the day ended the way it did. I’m glad I was able to overcome my anxiety for one night. That’s literally all I can do. One day at a time.