Not everyone gets lucky enough to find someone who also loves them despite all the superficial BS. We deserve it yes but there are times when just because we love someone it doesn’t mean we end up ever being with them romantically. Sometimes you can be so sure a person is your soulmate but life’s circumstances just never allow it to go beyond the feeling you get in your gut. The sad thing about that though is that the feelings never go away. In time you learn to live with it, live despite of it, and even live loving others but there will always be the part that holds on to the love felt for the one you never had. In some ways that love may inspire new loves. Sometimes people see others in someone and settle, sometimes it’s the thing we compare others to and decide based on that whether they’re worth giving our hearts to and sometimes we don’t truly give our heart to anyone else at all. Love has so many outcomes. Many good and many bad. Everyone experience the different facets of love one way or another so no matter what the circumstances are we’re never alone in how love makes us feel. There’s always someone who can relate.
Actions Speak
Actions speak louder than words. People make time for who they want to make time for. No one is ever too busy to text back or check in one you occasionally. If you’re important to them these things will come naturally. It won’t feel like you require a lot of attention. You won’t be tasked with wondering if you’re a burden/annoyance or whatever. Remember.
Just saying
50/50 is bullshit. Someone is always expected to give more of themselves. Don’t be fooled.
Good Mystery
Everyone loves a good mystery. Is it possible to be infatuated by intrigue? I would like to believe so but sometimes I just feel too far into my thoughts.
Many people are naturally fascinated or intrigued by a proverbial stranger. Lack of knowledge about a person allows our imagination to run wild.
Our own perception can be the most dangerous part I feel. This is so because our perception may allow us to look at a person and their actions in a more favorable light than deserved. People keep secrets for many reasons. One being avoiding commitment or becoming entangled emotionally. Ironically though, the tactics people use to avoid intimacy are typically the driving forces in what makes them more desirable.
Mysterious strangers prefer to focus on the physical and keep relationships as casual as possible rather than incorporating sexual partners into their everyday lives.
It’s important to be aware of these mysterious strangers. It’s important to be cautious and not allow the unknown to cloud our vision. Secrets stand in the way of so many things. The upside to that though is that some people are secretive not because they are living double lives or are unfaithful but because of insecurities and even fear of rejection. People are also not as forthcoming with information they feel will cast them into a bad light.
Either way, in these situations only time will tell whether the mystery was worth getting sucked into or not.
Rocky Start
The year has been off to an interestingly rocky start to say the least. It’s taken quite a bit of time for me to even write down my thoughts because they’ve been so scattered. From Circles being released to Kobe passing there’s been a lot to digest. There’s been a lot of emotions and I just haven’t been able to put them into words.
Emotions of sadness, grief, confusion and peace. Emotions that all have contradicted each other one way or another and emotions that I constantly feel shouldn’t be felt but yet they are.
Circles by Mac was released and it’s still heavy on the rotation. Not because anyone’s depressed but because I feel it grants comfort. After Mac passed there were so many questions and to hear the music he left behind made me feel a sense of comfort knowing I got to hear where his head was at the time of his death. Also because it gives me hope for the way his story would’ve turned out had he had just made it through that night.
Kobe’s passing is a different kind of sadness than I felt when Mac died. Kobe was an inspiration for many athletes whether they played basketball or not. Growing up basketball was an important part of my life. I remember every recess in grades 3rd-8th, I always got the basketball and I would shoot hoops while the other kids played four square and kickball. I didn’t care if I was the only kid shooting hoops or if others wanted to play that day. I wasn’t a loner by any means but my passion for perfecting my shooting skills went farther than my interest in kickball or four square. Years went on and even though I didn’t play the sport on a team anymore I still occasionally shot around in the backyard. Saying all of that to say this, Kobe’s death reignited the love I had for the game. The last couple of weeks I’ve had the urge to pick up a ball and just shoot. The joy every swish brought was and still is like no other.
Kobe’s passing is one that will always feel surreal. But I can say I took one good thing away from the tragic situation and it’s remembering the reasons I devoted every recess to perfecting my shot.
Long live the Mamba.
Rekindle
There’s that saying that says if it’s meant to be it will be. It’s been on my mind a bit lately. We drift from people and that could be a combination of friends and family but sometimes we have an opportunity to pull the pieces back together and reconnect and that can never be taken for granted. Sometimes you can jump right back into where things left off but other times you wade through a bit of knee deep water before things feel like they’re back to what they were. Essentially, years go by and people change but even with that it’s still possible to rekindle a friendship. There are those rare cases when so much time has passed that rekindling a friendship just isn’t worth the effort. Not necessarily saying there are ill intentions or bad blood but we’re just on different paths and going in different directions. The key is being prepared for either one of those outcomes regardless of what you really want.
Christmas 19
Overall, this Christmas was the best one I’ve had in quite a few years. I’m thankful for the level of understanding that was displayed by members of the family. I’m thankful for the quality time spent. I’m thankful for all the laughter and banter. I feel truly blessed as this year winds down.
This holiday is usually just another one where there are certain family members that are not around either because they are in a different part of the world and couldn’t be present or because of death. While their presence will always be missed a day like today is really one where you just take in everything around you. Appreciate what’s right here and now in front of you. Here’s to hoping someday we’re all in the same geographic location.
I can only hope the ones not here due to death have found peace and are resting easy. While trying to enjoy the moment H you are not forgotten.
Thankful for forgiveness also.. hearing from someone I haven’t spoken to in a long time was unexpected but forgiveness is everything.
Tomorrow the 26th marks four years. How time has passed.. and how things have changed for the better. Cheers.
Phony
- not genuine; fraudulent.
It’s not always obvious when people do not have your best interest in mind. When someone’s ill-intentions are made clear personally, my brain opts to sever ties. I find it hard to allow someone to be apart of my life knowing that they do not have my best interest at heart. I’ve gotten to a stage in life where I strive to surround myself with people who genuinely want the best for me. People who share common interests, mutual goals and a ton of positivity. I find it not beneficial for my mental health to be surrounded by anything other than that. When I’m in a situation that makes me feel that I may not be surrounded by people 100% in my corner my anxiety is usually through the roof. Being a Leo, I have the tendency to never take people off my shit list once they’ve found themselves on it. To me, if you’re not a friend or have my best interest at heart you’re an enemy or someone I need to watch my back with at all times and that never changes.
Breakdown
Today I had a mental break down you could say. And at work at that too… I found out that there were going to be some drastic changes and while change is not necessarily bad this entire year has been about change especially at work for me. A person can only bend so much before they break. I was told that the reason the company is so reliant on me is because I’m great at what I do. For many that would be a compliment but I don’t do my job well for recognition. I do my job well because I take pride in things that are a product of my efforts. I feel I’ve been picking up everyone’s slack and I can’t keep doing that without risking a burn out. My question to management was when do we start holding employees accountable for their actions or lack thereof? It’s not that I’m doing great work because there isn’t much to it but it’s just that I care. Not everyone naturally cares or takes pride in their work but if there’s no standard and accountability how do we know if people are giving it their all? Today I marched into our human capital office and basically told Kelly I’m handing in my badge and never coming back. In that moment I was absolutely ready to resign on the spot and I still feel I would’ve followed through with it had they not have called a meeting and allowed me to voice my concerns and respect my decision to decline the change they’re trying to push. I’ve never felt so overwhelmed to the point of putting my grievances on record but today I feel it was for the best. Hopefully this means I can continue to go into work and do my job and go home when the day’s tasks are complete.
I’m learning to say no and speak up for what I need to maintain my sanity and I don’t regret that. No job is worth compromising my sanity.
Keep pushing
I’ve started to accept the reality of a situation I’m in and while it’s definitely sobering I can’t say I’m too happy with how I’m feeling. It’s so hard deciding against what your heart is telling you to do sometimes. Stuck between wanting to follow my heart but knowing I should be rational or so much goes on the line.
They say fool me once shame on you but fool me twice shame on me. I’m a firm believer in once something happens twice that shouldn’t have happened the first time it then evolves from a mistake to a choice. We so easily fall into the trap of constant forgiving and giving chances after chances and it takes courage to stand up and say no more even it if goes against every fiber in your body at the time.
Knowing your worth is important. Never compromise or lose sight of that for anyone or anything. Don’t get lost in the idea of what could be so much that you overlook what’s right in front of you.
Soft Answer
Whenever I’m barked at by anyone I tend to retreat within myself and I stay there for long periods of time. Something about getting yelled at just makes me feel so small and essentially unloved. They say love is not easily puffed up but that seems to be the only kind of love I’ve known.
Does that mean I have yet to experience true love?
When it’s reoccurring is it then a choice to make me feel small?
Sometimes I don’t feel I deserve that no matter what I may or may not have done and that’s where I’m wrestling with myself. Do I stay or do I seek out greener grass?
It’s hard to cope with emotional and verbal abuse. They know it’s not easy but they’ll point out not knowing how or why you stay.
The answer is because I’m fucking stupid that’s why or how I stay. My stupidity will only keep me here for so long though. After awhile when I’m fed up nothing will hold me. It’s to a point where I am fed up to an extent but there’s still a small light beam of hope that’s slowly growing dim. When that goes out completely there will be no going back.
I’m a lot more delicate than one may assume.
Grief
Grief hits us in waves. Mourning and fighting through grief is not simply black and white. It’s not as easy as just not thinking about the loss or getting over it. Don’t let anyone dictate how you should grieve and mourn a loss. Whether it be loss of a loved one, loss of a friend or friendship, and in general loss of anything that filled a void. We heal on our own terms. Some losses take longer to heal than others and that’s also perfectly normal and perfectly okay. We always need time to truly adjust to a new reality. That’s also okay.
Heartbreak
There are various types of heartbreaks…
Social norms
Social norms can make us feel like we’re trapped in a box. Social norms are what society dictates to be normal.
Who says what society says is normal is normal for everyone?
There are so any pressures that come with wanting to fit a mold or thinking you’re supposed to fit in a certain mold at a specific time in your life. Life is about finding our own mold. Creating and doing whatever makes us happy. It’s easy to feel like an outcast or the odd man out when you’re the only one going down the path you’re on but at the end of the day it truly doesn’t matter what others think or what it appears to be in the eyes of others because if you’re happy that’s all that matters.
Most situations require sacrifices. We sacrifice things today so that tomorrow is better. So that the future is better. Despite the sacrifices though, there’s always hope for the future.
Dare to be different. Dare to live life on your own terms and no one else’s.
Being so secure in my solitude sometimes I forget that not everyone enjoys solitude. Not everyone sees the benefits of enjoying their own company..
See what I’m on
It’s been quite sometime since I’ve taken the time to write down my thoughts.
In the last couple months so much has happened to be honest. My relationship with the in laws have drastically shifted. There’s dialogue – all I’ve ever wanted.
One thing I’ve also realized over the last couple months is that we must speak up about our needs especially if they are not being met. I’m thinking that if P never said anything we would be right where we were before. Sometimes it just takes communication to resolve issues. Sometimes it takes more effort and time.
Making Something Out Of Nothing 