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Big Brother

10 days ago it was confirmed that we have located my older brother. All my life I’ve heard my dad speak of the possibility and we finally were able to connect the pieces together.

One of the reasons I took the ancestry DNA test was to possibly find a half sibling as well as hoping to find my paternal family. 2024 has been a wild year of family revelations and plot twists.

Family dynamics have shifted drastically and it’s not over because in two weeks or so I’ll be mailing in my dad’s DNA sample. Queue the anxiety🥴

I’m glad we found my older brother but it’s definitely strange not being the oldest anymore. I’ve thought a lot about what life would’ve been like if I grew up with a sibling who was only a year and two months older. I think some decisions would’ve been made differently but everything happens exactly how they are meant to, I know that much.

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Year apart

Today was interesting to say the least. I spoke to the young man who we think is my brother and I realized that we had similar experiences with our dating lives as well. I couldn’t help but think of how different things would’ve been if I had the advice of a sibling so close in age. I helped him reconnect with someone who means a lot to him. It was nice to realize that she might be his person. He’s possibly found his birth family and she was who he wanted to share that experience with. I know what it’s like to have that person as well. Ironically enough, I told him about my experience and hours later Snapchat told me that my ex is a friend suggestion. These apps are always listening.

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Fellowship

The past two nights we’ve had fellowship services where several church’s have come from all over to worship with us. I’m glad we were able to attend both nights. Each preacher left me with a word.

So much has been going through my mind but I was able to get some clarity. I love going into a service feeling overwhelmed and leaving feeling like a load has been lifted. God is good.

All the time.

God is good, for that reason I have to trust that he’s working all things out for our good. He’s always on time, prior to learning our DNA results I always thought I was a pretty patient person. Now? I think I’ve just started to learn. Wrestling everyday with the question as to whether we should reach out or not has been tough.

It’s still a waiting game.. but what if they’re waiting for me to initiate communication while I’m waiting for the same? Ugh, one of these days I’m just going to jump and hope I stick the landing..

Cheers🥂

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Late Night Chronicles

Dad: “Well Shad, I’d hope that they have a heart because it sounds like he had a heart.”

Me: Not as optimistic “uh huh”

I told him that I noticed another one of the sisters was on the Ancestry DNA portal last week. I did not send a message to her initially because someone in connection to them had already responded to me. When I log on the DNA matches are right in front of my face. I can’t help but wonder if they see me in their matches and are curious as to who I am. Or if they aren’t even phased by the possibility that I am a close relative of theirs.

Hoping my dad is correct. Truly.

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Cabo

It’s been a week since we got back from Cabo and I’m just finally feeling like myself again. We had a thirty hour travel journey home and it was brutal.

Although it’s a journey to and from Cabo, the town stole my heart. I can’t wait to go back for more than an extended weekend. I loved that we got to support mom and pop restaurants. We ate breakfast at the same spot everyday and I’m glad we decided to go off the tourist path. The locals were amongst some of the friendliest I’ve met. We also had some of the best coffee we’ve ever had too. That was the last thing we expected to rave about when we got home but the family who operates the restaurant should be proud of their hard work.

So far 30 has been good to me. Today I unlocked a new level of production at work and that’s a huge accomplishment. Since I’ve been back production has skyrocketed and I’m only trying to keep the momentum going. We spent Saturday and Sunday afternoon with my in-laws. Lately, steak dinners and a Netflix movie has been our thing. In three weeks my sister in law and niece will be here to visit from Germany and we’re excited. We haven’t seen them since Christmas and the baby has gotten so big. It’s cool having family all over but it awful when you feel like you’re missing crucial moments of their lives. Still grateful for all the time we get though. Some people don’t even get that much.

Aiming to make the 30’s my glass half full decade.

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Moth

12:12am

It’s been a long week and what felt like it should have been Friday was only Thursday. On a positive note, I had a white moth inside my house earlier. It followed me inside somehow and while I’m not necessarily superstitious, it’s said that moths are seen as a sign of good luck. They’re even seen as guardian angels in some cultures. Cool, isn’t it?

As my birthday creeps up it was giving reassurance as these young kids say😭. And for those who have to google most lingos like myself, it means it gives off a certain vibe, exhibits certain qualities, or impression.

Reassurance that everything’s going to be alright. I know everything is working out for my good. I’m forever trusting the process.

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Closing In

Thirty is closing in faster than the speed of lightning it seems. As I approach this pivotal age, I can’t help but look back at what a wild journey it has been. I think back at all the aspirations I had even before my twenties began and how life has aligned the way she sees best. Ha! Okay, maybe not how she sees best, because essentially it’s just the ripple effect. Choices that were made, failures that were endured, loves that were lost (whether that has been romantically, friendships and platonic loves), and massive accomplishments along the way.

Every time I look back, which may damn well be more often than many people, I always credit my favorite teacher for steering me in the right direction in those crucial developmental years. Only God knows what paths I would’ve found myself strolling down if she hadn’t listened. She retired a few days ago and I wish I had the courage to tell her that I love her. It may seem strange to some, but you just have to know what someone saved you from to understand. I’ve always been careful to never skew any boundaries, so it’s always gone unsaid to an extent.

In periods of identity crises, she was the only person who made me feel heard and seen. My family was still new to this country, adults were occupied with starting careers and the everyday household responsibilities. Having a person like her kept me out of the spiral of teen pregnancies, drugs, juvenile delinquency, etc. I remember her classroom being my safe place during school hours. She had multiple during my time there but my favorite was one she had at the end of the hall and I believe there was a blue couch, maybe it was red, but she shared the room with two other teachers mainly separated by furniture but it was still the best place to be. That room remained my safe space even after I graduated. Every time I went back to visit, which was at least once a week back then, her room was the one I bolted for.

Never underestimate the power of listening. Sometimes all someone needs is someone to simply listen.

I’ve learned so many lessons and I’m still learning.

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Family Visits

My sister in law and 10 month old niece just got home from Germany less than an hour ago. It’s almost 1am and having them home and meeting the baby for the first time is just remarkable.

She’s so vibrant, full of joy and unlike most babies who cry when meeting strangers she met us without crying. All smiles and excitement. I’m excited to see how much she grows in the month that she’ll be here.

We are blessed to have a little one who reminds us that family is love. Unity brings peace. Although she’s the small human who needs us to survive we all needed her here also.

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14 years

Thursday the first marked 14 years without Harry. I couldn’t bring myself to jot down my thoughts because the emotions were so raw. My mind asked the same what if questions and the why him questions just as they did the night I got the news. Then today a friend who lost her father on Wednesday sent me this page from a book which I’ll post below. It spoke to my soul in ways I didn’t know I needed. It reminded me that it’s okay to still miss Harry after 14 years. And it reminded me that it’s okay to feel sadness on that day no matter how long it’s been. There’s no wrong way to grieve a loss. The amount of time it takes you to grieve is nothing to be shamed of either.

For Harry
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Election 2020

Today has been nerve racking. My anxiety has been through the roof so I’m hoping for the best. I hope that no matter what the results of this historic election comes out to be that there will be less chaos in America. That’s really all I want. Less chaos and a country that feels safe for you and me. At this rate I’m hoping to fall asleep soon since we definitely won’t know who won tonight. Let’s see how President Trump handles that.

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Soft Answer

Whenever I’m barked at by anyone I tend to retreat within myself and I stay there for long periods of time. Something about getting yelled at just makes me feel so small and essentially unloved. They say love is not easily puffed up but that seems to be the only kind of love I’ve known.

Does that mean I have yet to experience true love?

When it’s reoccurring is it then a choice to make me feel small?

Sometimes I don’t feel I deserve that no matter what I may or may not have done and that’s where I’m wrestling with myself. Do I stay or do I seek out greener grass?

It’s hard to cope with emotional and verbal abuse. They know it’s not easy but they’ll point out not knowing how or why you stay.

The answer is because I’m fucking stupid that’s why or how I stay. My stupidity will only keep me here for so long though. After awhile when I’m fed up nothing will hold me. It’s to a point where I am fed up to an extent but there’s still a small light beam of hope that’s slowly growing dim. When that goes out completely there will be no going back.

I’m a lot more delicate than one may assume.

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Sociopaths

Today an acquaintance came to me with an issue. Hours later I’m still replaying the conversation in my head. I’m not quite sure how I became the person she confides in the most but I am honored.

Not to should shallow but people like her are the reasons I pursued a career in this crazy field. In a way, I’m glad my counselor traits extend beyond an office.

Anyways, my conversation with her got me thinking. When two people are in a relationship why is it that they feel the need to guilt the other party into staying with them after they’ve fucked up?

It’s almost sociopathic in a way. No? One consciously makes a choice to disregard the relationship but then plays the victim? Why are humans like this?

Has anyone thought about the emotional toll that shit takes on a person? Does the person doing the guilt tripping do it because they know the other is weak minded?

It’s pretty pathetic if you ask me.

What are your thoughts?