Who?
Breaking Barriers
Despite all the losses/missed opportunities in my 20’s the biggest thing I’ve gained was definitely a better relationship with my in-laws all round. The dynamic has shifted in a way I only saw possible in my dreams – if we’re being real. My husband joked that nothing has changed I’ve just accepted their corkiness but there has definitely been a change. We are all more relaxed together, we watch movies and cry together. We have dinner almost every other Saturday now which is awesome and I’m so thankful. I can finally be myself with them without feeling anxious or that I’m being judged to an extent. I could’ve been all in my head back then but either way I’m just glad we’ve been able to overcome those barriers.
I dreaded the idea of having bad in laws forever but “hashtag” look at God.
New Books
In purchasing a book for my sister’s summer reading, I stumbled upon one that has been on my “saved for later” list for quite some time. I think it’s a great choice for the mini quarter life crisis I seem to be having. Necessary Losses by Judith Viorst. Recommended by my therapist years ago and more recently an actress spoke about the book briefly and brought my attention back to it.
If you’ve read the book, what are your thoughts?
Closing In
Thirty is closing in faster than the speed of lightning it seems. As I approach this pivotal age, I can’t help but look back at what a wild journey it has been. I think back at all the aspirations I had even before my twenties began and how life has aligned the way she sees best. Ha! Okay, maybe not how she sees best, because essentially it’s just the ripple effect. Choices that were made, failures that were endured, loves that were lost (whether that has been romantically, friendships and platonic loves), and massive accomplishments along the way.
Every time I look back, which may damn well be more often than many people, I always credit my favorite teacher for steering me in the right direction in those crucial developmental years. Only God knows what paths I would’ve found myself strolling down if she hadn’t listened. She retired a few days ago and I wish I had the courage to tell her that I love her. It may seem strange to some, but you just have to know what someone saved you from to understand. I’ve always been careful to never skew any boundaries, so it’s always gone unsaid to an extent.
In periods of identity crises, she was the only person who made me feel heard and seen. My family was still new to this country, adults were occupied with starting careers and the everyday household responsibilities. Having a person like her kept me out of the spiral of teen pregnancies, drugs, juvenile delinquency, etc. I remember her classroom being my safe place during school hours. She had multiple during my time there but my favorite was one she had at the end of the hall and I believe there was a blue couch, maybe it was red, but she shared the room with two other teachers mainly separated by furniture but it was still the best place to be. That room remained my safe space even after I graduated. Every time I went back to visit, which was at least once a week back then, her room was the one I bolted for.
Never underestimate the power of listening. Sometimes all someone needs is someone to simply listen.
I’ve learned so many lessons and I’m still learning.
14 years
Thursday the first marked 14 years without Harry. I couldn’t bring myself to jot down my thoughts because the emotions were so raw. My mind asked the same what if questions and the why him questions just as they did the night I got the news. Then today a friend who lost her father on Wednesday sent me this page from a book which I’ll post below. It spoke to my soul in ways I didn’t know I needed. It reminded me that it’s okay to still miss Harry after 14 years. And it reminded me that it’s okay to feel sadness on that day no matter how long it’s been. There’s no wrong way to grieve a loss. The amount of time it takes you to grieve is nothing to be shamed of either.
Nice Knowing Ya 2020
This year was by far one of the most trying for many of us. The global pandemic affected us in more ways than we could have ever imagined. I’ve also learned so much about myself this year as well.
In a year where life as we knew it changed overnight one day in March due to lockdowns I found that this year I craved a lot of “normalcy”. I craved the things that felt comfortable and some of that included people who today are no longer the people they were when they represented what was normal to me.
Four years ago one night in December my world changed forever and while then I tried to hold on to the little I could, this year I realized it was time to let go and finally close chapters I kept rewriting in my head. I held on to promises made that were unrealistic. I held on to someone I was so sure would be around through all my adult years.
As time has gone on I’ve realized that this person served their purpose in my life. The story has ended and there’s no way to rewrite it. We played pivotal roles in each other’s lives at one point but we’ve been on different journeys for years now. I guess I was just never ready to truly admit that our promises were naive. The thing is something can cause a bond to exist but eventually that thing is no longer the most important aspect in either of our lives. When that happens we become people that neither of us recognize. The bond grows thin day by day until it no longer exists and that’s life.
So while I craved that sense of comfortability many of these last 365 days I’m leaving that desire in 2020. It’s best I walk away and leave our promise in the year that caused so much pain and loss for many. A lot of people lost loved ones and friends this year due to Covid-19. A lot of people lost jobs due to the pandemic and a lot of small business owners lost their livelihoods. So in a year where people will forever mourn so much I’m choosing to leave this bond here as well.
This year, I can say in the U.S. with over three hundred thousand people dead from Covid-19, I survived it. Six members of my family survived the virus. Many days this year we saw stories of families losing more than one member to the virus but I was fortunate.
I will eternally be grateful for surviving this thing because many were not as lucky. I will always be grateful that no one in my family had to rely on unemployment insurance benefits at any time this year. I will always be grateful for the ability to have helped those in need this year. I’m thankful for love, health, family, friends and financial stability.
May 2021 bring you nothing but joy, peace, and memories that will repair our hearts after such a cruel year. Cheers.🥂
“Oh, it’s better up ahead
The worst is over now
Remember what I said
Live, you don’t have to look back
But if you ever do,
You know where I’m at” – Gavin DeGraw
Tread lightly
Over the last 4 years I’ve spend a lot of time analyzing the way things could’ve turned out different. Analyzing all the choices that were made and how situations could’ve been handled differently. For years I blamed myself for mishandling the situation and as a result costing myself someone I valued quite a bit.
Time went on and as they say time heals all wounds. The disappointment in myself lessened. I learned different ways to handle similar situations if I were to ever find myself in that situation again. I made peace with my choices and the outcomes of consequences I had to live with. I accepted how life was after the fact.
Now, I feel I have a privilege I never saw coming or planned for. In some ways I’m sort of slightly freaking out because I don’t know where to go from here. I know what direction I want things to go in but I’m not sure that’s even possible. I know what I want but I’m not sure the ball is in my court in that sense. I don’t think I’m in a position to really call the shots. With that being said, I don’t want to let this chance slip through my fingertips.
One day at a time, eh?
F Anxiety
So anxiety is a bitch. I spent all day having nervous breakdowns and worrying about how things would be at this Christmas Eve party just to show up and have it be better than my anxiety could’ve allowed me to imagine. Needless to say, I’m glad that the day ended the way it did. I’m glad I was able to overcome my anxiety for one night. That’s literally all I can do. One day at a time.
Christmas Eve
The holiday season is supposed to be filled with joy, love and family. It’s easy to lose sight of that on top of all the rituals and obligations that we may feel we have to participate in. Seeing family and friends that I haven’t seen much throughout the year has my anxieties on the max level today. I fear the unknown you could say. Not knowing how those at this gathering will react seeing me for the first time in months. Not knowing if they’ll understand the distance and my reasoning for loving my solitude. Not knowing if I’ll be judged for the amount of time I can manage to be there for emotionally. All of these things make it seem so much easier to stay home and protect my mental space. With that option though comes the awkward tensions on the true day of the holiday and no one understanding why protecting my mental space is so important. Families can think that it’s good to be gathered together but while it’s good for most there are people like me who honestly would rather do nothing at all. It slightly annoys me that at this time no one can wish that people do what is the best thing for them. We may not understand why but I think that family should be supportive of whatever another member needs in order to be healthy, in order to get through the holidays and in order to enjoy the holiday season however they choose. People don’t seem to be aware of how much harm the obligations and traditions can do to a person’s mental health and here’s to hoping for holiday seasons that aren’t filled with a ton of pressure in the future.
Making Something Out Of Nothing 