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Bye 2024

This year was truly one for the books. I wish I would say it’s ending on a high note but I don’t necessarily think that is the case.

This New Year’s Eve has fallen victim to the crappy day tradition as most New Year’s Eves in my experience do.

So much transpired this year but there were some good in there as well. We found my dad’s paternal family and that was the biggest blessing. Although my grandpa has since passed I’m still so grateful to know who his family is and to know that we have all carried pieces of him with us without even knowing it.

Here’s to those who are no longer here with us.

Here’s to 2025. May the new year bring nothing but blessings. God is forever faithful and in control.

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Look At God

I spent months losing my mind for nothing. As always, making something out of nothing.

I finally reached out to my father’s paternal family and it went so much better than I could’ve ever imagined. I think I spent so much time worrying about what if things went wrong that I did not remember to think about what if they went right.. what a day it has been. I can’t thank God enough for coming through for us on this.

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Nobody’s Perfect

Since I received my dad’s Ancestry DNA results I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. We all know that in this life we are flawed human beings, but it wasn’t until I got the results that I felt the magnitude of what this means. It’s crazy how one persons choices affect generations down the line. It means coming to terms with not having questions answered the way we would like but also forgiving the fact that answers will not be cut and dry. It’s easy to feel resentment but what is the point? Resentment towards people who are no longer here to speak their truth? Or resentment towards those who did not miss out on half of their identity? There’s no point. This has taught me to be more aware of how my actions today cause a ripple effect for tomorrow. I feel robbed of the chance to be apart of this huge family but at the same time I’ve had a good life despite all the obstacles thrown our way. Not knowing half of our family has allowed dad and I to grow close and remain close as I became an adult. It’s taught us to appreciate what we had and I don’t think we would look at life the way we do now if we knew his father’s side of the family. Nothing is an accident. God does everything perfectly.

I’m beyond scared of rejection but I think before the year ends I will send one simple message and let the chips fall where they may. I’m praying someone sees my dad is their half sibling and wants to help us bridge that gap but if not, we’ll be okay. Carry on as if nothing has changed because ultimately it hasn’t. We just now know what our last name is scientifically.

Our new family members probably don’t even know what to do with this new information and I can’t be upset at that. It’s not everyday you find out you have family members out there that you have never known. It could be received well or completely be the worst thing to have happened to them. Time will well.

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Jah Jah

I’ve been home in Jamaica for a few days and it’s been bitter sweet. I was able to meet my brother in person and that was spectacular. He picked us up at the airport after a hectic day of delays and then drove us through a storm to our dad’s house. This year has been the year of family discoveries and it’s not over just yet. We have one more DNA test to complete before we can put all of this to rest.

My dad says his mom had a picture of the man we suspect is his father in her room when he was a boy but after she died he didn’t know who the man was so they got rid of the picture with other belongings. It’s wild to think all these years the answers were right there but we just never knew. Same with my brother… I’m sure paths were crossed unknowingly.

It’s been a rocky year but I’m glad it’s almost over. When we get the last set of results a weight will be lifted I hope. I truly hope communication flows with the family the way it flows for my bother and I.

I pray my dad can stay focused when we get these results. I pray we get more questions answered than we are left with.

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Big Brother

10 days ago it was confirmed that we have located my older brother. All my life I’ve heard my dad speak of the possibility and we finally were able to connect the pieces together.

One of the reasons I took the ancestry DNA test was to possibly find a half sibling as well as hoping to find my paternal family. 2024 has been a wild year of family revelations and plot twists.

Family dynamics have shifted drastically and it’s not over because in two weeks or so I’ll be mailing in my dad’s DNA sample. Queue the anxiety🥴

I’m glad we found my older brother but it’s definitely strange not being the oldest anymore. I’ve thought a lot about what life would’ve been like if I grew up with a sibling who was only a year and two months older. I think some decisions would’ve been made differently but everything happens exactly how they are meant to, I know that much.

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Flowers

Flowers x Joshua Luke Smith Ft Madison Ryann Ward

Music is good for the soul. I think I may have gotten my love for music from my dad’s side. It’d be awesome to find out for sure someday. This song was released this past Friday and it’s been on repeat since. It was a great reminder to stop and smell the flowers on my way. Sometimes we get so caught up in what’s happening that we forget to take a moment to appreciate the little things. I needed this. It’s rare that you find music with meaning these days.

“Adonai will fulfill His purpose for me”

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Year apart

Today was interesting to say the least. I spoke to the young man who we think is my brother and I realized that we had similar experiences with our dating lives as well. I couldn’t help but think of how different things would’ve been if I had the advice of a sibling so close in age. I helped him reconnect with someone who means a lot to him. It was nice to realize that she might be his person. He’s possibly found his birth family and she was who he wanted to share that experience with. I know what it’s like to have that person as well. Ironically enough, I told him about my experience and hours later Snapchat told me that my ex is a friend suggestion. These apps are always listening.

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Fellowship

The past two nights we’ve had fellowship services where several church’s have come from all over to worship with us. I’m glad we were able to attend both nights. Each preacher left me with a word.

So much has been going through my mind but I was able to get some clarity. I love going into a service feeling overwhelmed and leaving feeling like a load has been lifted. God is good.

All the time.

God is good, for that reason I have to trust that he’s working all things out for our good. He’s always on time, prior to learning our DNA results I always thought I was a pretty patient person. Now? I think I’ve just started to learn. Wrestling everyday with the question as to whether we should reach out or not has been tough.

It’s still a waiting game.. but what if they’re waiting for me to initiate communication while I’m waiting for the same? Ugh, one of these days I’m just going to jump and hope I stick the landing..

Cheers🥂

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Late Night Chronicles

Dad: “Well Shad, I’d hope that they have a heart because it sounds like he had a heart.”

Me: Not as optimistic “uh huh”

I told him that I noticed another one of the sisters was on the Ancestry DNA portal last week. I did not send a message to her initially because someone in connection to them had already responded to me. When I log on the DNA matches are right in front of my face. I can’t help but wonder if they see me in their matches and are curious as to who I am. Or if they aren’t even phased by the possibility that I am a close relative of theirs.

Hoping my dad is correct. Truly.

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Rabbit hole

So much for being brave… 😆

The day I posted that, I got a Reddit notification from the Ancestry DNA subreddit which shot that confidence down. The post said it would’ve been better off if they hadn’t taken the test and found their birth dad. Turns out he completely abandoned the guy at 2 years old and did not die in Vietnam. Raised several other children and was a phenomenal dad.

I think that’s part of my fear as well. I fear being rejected. It’s already slightly happened. One of the half sisters didn’t bother to respond to my message but two did. I think my 1st message could’ve been better though. I was a bit abrupt and insensitive but I think I panicked honestly. I saw the matches and recognized no one and just let impulse take over. I didn’t stop to think how weird this might be for them and I never thought about a scenario where we would be at the mercy of family. Out of the two who responded, only one took the time out to hear me out and give some great advice on this new revelation. She’s the one I share the most DNA with so it’s crazy to think I instantly felt comfortable speaking to her. The other one responded once but nothing since.

Maybe she’s waiting for me to send a message on another social media platform? Maybe she wants nothing to do with more family members popping up? My mind always thinks the worst. It suck’s because until I test my dad it’s just speculation that they are my half aunts.

My gut is telling me I’m right and she’s never usually wrong but I feel this way due to the resemblance of my dad to theirs. Sadly their dad passed away 2 years ago. I found a live stream record of his funeral. While watching it the part where family spoke about their dad all I heard was them describing mine. From personality right down to hobbies. Could it be that my dad was so alike this man who isn’t his biological father or are our suspicions correct in that he is their half brother? What are the odds that my dad looks so much like an uncle rather than his dad? I don’t think I’d share so much DNA with the woman I spoke to the most if their dad was my father’s uncle. Every AI simulation I’ve ran came back that they are my half aunts. No other scenario made sense.

I understand that this would’ve been easier if their father was alive. He could’ve confirmed and been the person introducing us to the family but we missed that chance. Although I’m sad we didn’t get to meet him, it was very comforting hearing all the wonderful things about him and hearing how similar my dad is to him.

We might not have met him but I feel like my dad being similar to him makes up for it.

Whatever the reason was that my dad never knew who he was is no one’s fault. We aren’t upset at him or the family. How can we be? Odds are he had no idea my dad was out there and if he did, well, oh well? We’ll most likely never know but either way we forgive him for being absent. We forgive my grandma for not being forthcoming with the information about my dad’s father. We found out from her brother that the last name we have is from a man she met some months into her pregnancy. He wanted to raise the baby with her but plans fell through before my dad was born and she still gave him the last name knowing it wasn’t his father anyways. We’ve all been young and dumb. Not my grandma’s finest moment but I’m not in a place to judge. My dad was told that the man we thought his father was didn’t want anything to do with him because my grandma didn’t want to marry him at the time. If we had known that his father’s identity was truly unknown I would’ve taken the test years prior. That’s my only regret. It breaks my heart to know that we possibly missed our chance to know a great man. Even if he wasn’t great, just the way his family described him makes me feel like we would’ve loved him.

We don’t want money or anything from the family.. for years I struggled with a sense of identity so for me what I crave is family connection. What my dad craves is the same. I pray we don’t get rejected whenever I have the balls to reach out on insta but like my dad says, we’ll always have each other – no matter what.

Posted on by V

Losses

Death puts so much into respective. My grandmas sister passed away earlier this month and this past Sunday was the funeral. I ended up traveling to FL for less than 48 hours to attend the funeral. The days following her passing I was fine emotionally. As the date got closer to say our final goodbyes it started to dawn on me that life is still very short. Seeing her in the casket shook me to my core. She was unrecognizable. There were so many emotions.. I’m still in disbelief.

Life is short so take the risks. Do what makes you happy regardless of what the world will say. Say what you have to say because you might never get the chance if you don’t cease the moment.

The fear of rejection has kept me from reaching out to my dad’s family but now more than ever I’m ready to take the risks.

If they leave us on read then so be it.

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Praise You Anywhere

Brandon Lake – Tear Off The Roof Tour – King’s Theatre Brooklyn NY – 4/20/24

April 20th, 2024 King’s Theatre Brooklyn NY was a phenomenal night. My soul has been so filled since then. Blessed to have been in such a beautiful theatre with hundreds of people praising and worshipping God.

Fast forward to May 4th, 2024. I now know why I have felt God’s love so much more than any other time that I can remember.

To be continued.

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We are the same

We’re all more alike than we’d ever imagine. We all battle similar obstacles and go through the same phases of life. The major difference is that some of us can put on a better show for the crowd. The ones who can’t wear their hearts on their sleeves. Others are hard to read.

“It ain’t always what it seems when you look happy” is often life’s melody.

Reminder: you may not win the battle but God has already won the war.

Posted on by V

Moth

12:12am

It’s been a long week and what felt like it should have been Friday was only Thursday. On a positive note, I had a white moth inside my house earlier. It followed me inside somehow and while I’m not necessarily superstitious, it’s said that moths are seen as a sign of good luck. They’re even seen as guardian angels in some cultures. Cool, isn’t it?

As my birthday creeps up it was giving reassurance as these young kids say😭. And for those who have to google most lingos like myself, it means it gives off a certain vibe, exhibits certain qualities, or impression.

Reassurance that everything’s going to be alright. I know everything is working out for my good. I’m forever trusting the process.