Sometimes somethings spontaneously come to our minds and you can’t help but wish they hadn’t.
“Good friend“
Something unexpected happened a few days ago.. they say be careful what you wish for because you just might get it all. I received a phone call one afternoon and everything changed. Suddenly there was no awkwardness and walking on egg shells. It’s crazy how easy it is to reconnect with someone you genuinely connected with before when both people are open to it.
They also say old habits die hard and while I’ve grown up a lot in the last 5 years somethings are just instinct. Caring is an instinct in this case. Empathy is an instinct at this point as well. That’s all there is to it.
In a way, I’m glad that people I haven’t talked to in years feel that they can come to me at anytime when they need solid advice though. It’s flattering really if you think about it. In someone’s darkest time I’m the person they think can help bring some clarity to their situation. Humbling.
Lean on me
No matter how strong you are everyone needs someone to lean on at some point in their lives. There are some people who have many shoulders to lean on and there are others who only hope of just having one. Sometimes we luck out and find that shoulder. Sometimes we have to suck it up and be our own shoulder.
Reminder
Just a reminder to trust your journey. It’s so easy to compare our accomplishments to those around us but no two people walk the same path in this thing called life. What’s meant for you will find its way to you. Someone else’s season may not be your season but your time will come. Have faith, stay hopeful, stay hydrated.
When the time comes
When we love someone often times we give then second chances. Giving someone a second chance is a risk and more of a gamble than most will admit. It’s risking what some may say is the inevitable – no change. They say if someone truly loves you they’ll do what it takes to make it work, right? When do you walk away if they don’t? Everyone knows love doesn’t come with an on and off button. How do you force your heart and mind to meet in the middle?
4/19
Ten years ago this date held great meaning. In the most recent years this date is one I dread an awful lot. Looking back, the disappointment in the outcome is definitely my fault. I think from the beginning I had an unrealistic expectation of how things would remain in tact forever. Things never stay the same though. We went from what I thought would’ve been a life long friendship to one that barely exists. Adjusting to that change has been painful if we’re being real. I went from having someone I knew I could count on to not knowing if reaching out is even worth it anymore. Conversations are minimal at best. The purpose that the friendship served has ran its course. Accepting that has been difficult nonetheless.
I feel that I’ll always be here if I’m ever needed but I have a feeling I’ll never be needed.
Despite everything, I still wish good things for the future. I still send positive vibes that way. Always have and always will. Cheers to 28.
Rekindle
There’s that saying that says if it’s meant to be it will be. It’s been on my mind a bit lately. We drift from people and that could be a combination of friends and family but sometimes we have an opportunity to pull the pieces back together and reconnect and that can never be taken for granted. Sometimes you can jump right back into where things left off but other times you wade through a bit of knee deep water before things feel like they’re back to what they were. Essentially, years go by and people change but even with that it’s still possible to rekindle a friendship. There are those rare cases when so much time has passed that rekindling a friendship just isn’t worth the effort. Not necessarily saying there are ill intentions or bad blood but we’re just on different paths and going in different directions. The key is being prepared for either one of those outcomes regardless of what you really want.
Goodbye 2019
This year and the decade overall has been filled with many ups and downs for me. To make a very long story short I lost myself, I lost friends, I lost loved ones, I’ve been abused, I’ve been the abuser, I’ve wallowed in my misery, I’ve brushed my shoes off and kept walking, I’ve been broken and I’ve been in repair. The repair process has been a journey that I needed to embark on alone and without any of the experiences I wouldn’t have the strength I need to keep going. I’ve come to terms with everything. Everyday I see more and more that all of those things happened for a reason. Reasons that I wouldn’t have understood then but I’m proud of the personal growth and self love that this decade of ups and downs has allowed me have.
One important thing I learned this year is that it’s okay to mourn. Sometimes we grieve the living. Things change.
V
Tread lightly
Over the last 4 years I’ve spend a lot of time analyzing the way things could’ve turned out different. Analyzing all the choices that were made and how situations could’ve been handled differently. For years I blamed myself for mishandling the situation and as a result costing myself someone I valued quite a bit.
Time went on and as they say time heals all wounds. The disappointment in myself lessened. I learned different ways to handle similar situations if I were to ever find myself in that situation again. I made peace with my choices and the outcomes of consequences I had to live with. I accepted how life was after the fact.
Now, I feel I have a privilege I never saw coming or planned for. In some ways I’m sort of slightly freaking out because I don’t know where to go from here. I know what direction I want things to go in but I’m not sure that’s even possible. I know what I want but I’m not sure the ball is in my court in that sense. I don’t think I’m in a position to really call the shots. With that being said, I don’t want to let this chance slip through my fingertips.
One day at a time, eh?
Work trips
P and I were in Jersey for 3 days and normally business trips are chaotic or so they feel with the new city and drastic change in day to day routines. This trip was different. I felt good about everything that happened. I feel that we’re making progress for the first time. It’s one thing to be able to spend time with someone and truly find value in the time spent and it’s another thing to feel burdened by the person’s presence.
Something’s changing. I feel more safe. I feel valued and appreciated just a little bit more than I did before.
Everyday we learn to adapt more and more to one another and I know if the foundation is solid longevity is guaranteed.
1/4 down
The first 25 years of my life have been interesting to say the least. I’ve learned a lot about myself, life, people and the world I live in. There were a lot of dark periods but I’ve always managed to come out on top in time. I’m blessed to be closing this chapter on a positive note. My mindset is healthier than it’s ever been and for that I’m grateful. Here’s to year 26!
High maintenance
Today I realized that I’m not as high maintenance as I used to be. I cited getting older and feeling like getting my nails, brows, lashes etc done religiously is just too much work. I cited being young and not having much to do with my time. I cited being comfortable in my relationship. I cited friends moving or starting families. At the end of the day, I guess it truly comes down to the motives behind why I did all of those things.
As it turns out, I’ve learned over the years to love myself just the way I am. I don’t get fussy when it comes to my appearance as much as I used to. Not that I’ve let myself go or anything along those lines but that there are more important things I spend my time on while still having me time.
As this is my last full week living in this quarter century year of my life I’ve been doing a lot of self reflecting. I feel like I do that enough but as my birthday creeps up next week I’ve got lots on my mind.
I spoke to my dad today. He’s doing well and so are my brothers. He’s getting a boat back on the ocean and I’m excited for that. I wish I was spending my birthday on his boat on a small secluded island like we used to when I was a kid. Some memories will always be my favorite.
Reflections
Do you ever just hear a certain song and it takes back to a point in time and the memories feel like they were yesterday?
Reflecting on the emotions that just came over me makes me smile at how crazy life is sometimes. The way my life turned out is not how I imagined it years ago but I can’t say that I’m mad about that. I’m in a much better head space to some extents. It’s growth that’s been good for me. For so long I loved fixing broken things or people rather. Which come to find out was me avoiding fixing my own damn self. If I were to run into the people from those memories today I would have no idea how to relate. I would almost feel the need to reintroduce myself for shits and giggles.
Sometimes you can still have love for someone but dodge them also. Some people will never understand your growth. I also had to come to terms with the fact that sometimes we outgrow people and that’s alright. That was a tough one.
Making Something Out Of Nothing 