Posted on by V

Gift

Where do I even begin? I have allowed so much time to pass that there’s too much to write, as I often do.

On February 27th, I received a phone call that shook me to my core. It was someone I grew up with who had sadly passed away. Grief and losing loved ones are nothing new to me, but sometimes, for a brief moment, I forget about the pain and loss. This reminder brought me back to the denial/acceptance stage, which felt like a significant step back. Just a few days before her passing, Harrison was constantly on my mind. He would have been 35 on the 24th. I never imagined that the list of young people I know who have passed away would continue to grow. I try to avoid the questions that always seem to come up. Why them? What could’ve been done differently to prevent this?

When we lose someone who had their whole lives ahead of them, the only thing I can do is to remind myself that every day is a gift and nothing short of a miracle.

Since December, I’ve added six aunts to my family tree. They’re all unique, but one of them has taken me under her wing. The others have been nice, but this aunt has a special way of making me feel welcome. We’ve been talking every week since we first met, and she always has something encouraging to say. It’s incredible to have someone who accepts me for who I am. It’s like she’s always been my aunt. I hope I can get to know the others better, but I’m happy with this too. Either way, I’m grateful and okay with this outcome.

Every day is a gift, so let’s make the most of it!

Posted on by V

Grandpa

I hope you’re watching over us today, as you would have been 78 years old. It’s a difficult truth to face—that I never had the chance to meet you. I can’t help but imagine all the moments we could’ve shared, the conversations we could’ve had about our mutual love for music, the fishing trips we could’ve gone on, or the countless boats you might have helped design. I think about the jewelry pieces we would’ve picked out together to add to my collection, and all the ways you could have shaped my life.

Talking to family has made me realize that everyone chose their own path in their relationship with you, but in my heart, I know that distance would never have been a barrier for us. There’s always been a quiet longing for you that’s never gone away. For much of my life, I’ve felt as though a part of me was missing, and it took me time to understand and find my way. But despite that ache, I’m endlessly grateful that I carried a piece of you with me all these years.

Music saved me when nothing else could, pulling me from so many dark places. It’s the thread that’s always bound me to you, even though you were never physically there. If you weren’t my grandpa, I honestly don’t know where I’d be today. You might not have been with me in body, but I’ve always felt your presence in spirit—through the music, the legacy, and the love you unknowingly passed down. For that, I’m forever thankful.

Continue to rest eternally♥️
Posted on by V

Bye 2024

This year was truly one for the books. I wish I would say it’s ending on a high note but I don’t necessarily think that is the case.

This New Year’s Eve has fallen victim to the crappy day tradition as most New Year’s Eves in my experience do.

So much transpired this year but there were some good in there as well. We found my dad’s paternal family and that was the biggest blessing. Although my grandpa has since passed I’m still so grateful to know who his family is and to know that we have all carried pieces of him with us without even knowing it.

Here’s to those who are no longer here with us.

Here’s to 2025. May the new year bring nothing but blessings. God is forever faithful and in control.

Posted on by V

Look At God

I spent months losing my mind for nothing. As always, making something out of nothing.

I finally reached out to my father’s paternal family and it went so much better than I could’ve ever imagined. I think I spent so much time worrying about what if things went wrong that I did not remember to think about what if they went right.. what a day it has been. I can’t thank God enough for coming through for us on this.

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Nobody’s Perfect

Since I received my dad’s Ancestry DNA results I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. We all know that in this life we are flawed human beings, but it wasn’t until I got the results that I felt the magnitude of what this means. It’s crazy how one persons choices affect generations down the line. It means coming to terms with not having questions answered the way we would like but also forgiving the fact that answers will not be cut and dry. It’s easy to feel resentment but what is the point? Resentment towards people who are no longer here to speak their truth? Or resentment towards those who did not miss out on half of their identity? There’s no point. This has taught me to be more aware of how my actions today cause a ripple effect for tomorrow. I feel robbed of the chance to be apart of this huge family but at the same time I’ve had a good life despite all the obstacles thrown our way. Not knowing half of our family has allowed dad and I to grow close and remain close as I became an adult. It’s taught us to appreciate what we had and I don’t think we would look at life the way we do now if we knew his father’s side of the family. Nothing is an accident. God does everything perfectly.

I’m beyond scared of rejection but I think before the year ends I will send one simple message and let the chips fall where they may. I’m praying someone sees my dad is their half sibling and wants to help us bridge that gap but if not, we’ll be okay. Carry on as if nothing has changed because ultimately it hasn’t. We just now know what our last name is scientifically.

Our new family members probably don’t even know what to do with this new information and I can’t be upset at that. It’s not everyday you find out you have family members out there that you have never known. It could be received well or completely be the worst thing to have happened to them. Time will well.

Posted on by V

Ancestry Results

Well, we did it…

Sunday December 8th, moments before I walked into church I received an e-mail that my dad’s Ancestry DNA Results were in. The results did not come as a surprise. However, I can’t help but feel as if I’m grieving. We won’t ever get answers straight from my grandfather but the details are no longer relevant. No one is to blame except unfortunate circumstances.

The four women I had matched with who were listed as possible half aunts/first cousins show up for my dad as half siblings. The other possibility does not make sense because it has already been confirmed that all of these women are half siblings themselves.

Months ago I came across pictures of the man who was their father and I instantly saw my dad looking back at me through him. In that moment my heart sunk at the thought that we missed our chance to know what seemed to be a great man. Anything we know of him moving forward will be through someone else’s lens. It’ll be through their perceptions and perspectives of the person he was. It breaks my heart to know that he is not here to welcome us into his family. I can’t imagine a world where he would not want to get to know us so I’m trying to keep my thoughts on the positive side.

My dad is relieved we finally have the answers we’ve been waiting for since May but I felt his sadness when we realized his father has truly passed. How dare we mourn a man we have never met? Typical us. I pray that whatever comes our way from here that God holds us in the hallow palm of his hands. I pray for comfort. I pray for peace and clarity.

We don’t have high expectations because we know the key piece of our story is not here to play the role of introducing us to the family but I truly hope at least one person wants to get to know us. We’ve spent years yearning for some sort of family connection and I hope we get to experience the good side of finding long lost family. On Reddit, I’ve read so many horror stories of families not wanting anything to do with new family members they find on the Ancestry portal and the fear of rejection has crippled me for months so I waited until I had my dads results to be sure. Now that I have his results, both he and my older brother are looking to me to reach out to someone and that is a lot to shoulder. I pray I don’t get left on read when I do work up the courage to send a message.

We don’t expect the family to want to make up for lost time. We’re all adults – strangers who share DNA. Their father’s passing is still recent so who knows what this could mean to them.

Throughout my young adolescent years, I struggled with self identity and seeking validation in all the wrong places. I feel this situation has tested years of therapy because I feel like I’m 14 again. Praying we are accepted, praying we don’t bring harm to this family, praying that this is a new beginning.

When I got home from church and sat in my car thinking about how much today is a monumental day, I saw two cardinal birds playing on a branch right by the car. I’m not superstitious by any means but I couldn’t help but feel they were our guardian angels. The grandfather I have never met coming to say hello.

No matter what the outcome of this is, my dad and brothers and I will always have each other. I will absolutely be a little hurt but life goes on. I opened this door when I submitted my test so this is my burden to shoulder if we are rejected.

I’m scared of saying the wrong thing and coming off as insensitive. I’m scared I’ve gotten my hopes up and my expectations will be my downfall. You’d think my counseling skills would make this less scary for me but nope.

Before I try to connect with anyone, I need to come to terms with the possibility of rejection so I don’t need years of therapy to work through being blindsided by an unfavorable outcome.

Here’s to family.

Posted on by V

Big Brother

10 days ago it was confirmed that we have located my older brother. All my life I’ve heard my dad speak of the possibility and we finally were able to connect the pieces together.

One of the reasons I took the ancestry DNA test was to possibly find a half sibling as well as hoping to find my paternal family. 2024 has been a wild year of family revelations and plot twists.

Family dynamics have shifted drastically and it’s not over because in two weeks or so I’ll be mailing in my dad’s DNA sample. Queue the anxiety🥴

I’m glad we found my older brother but it’s definitely strange not being the oldest anymore. I’ve thought a lot about what life would’ve been like if I grew up with a sibling who was only a year and two months older. I think some decisions would’ve been made differently but everything happens exactly how they are meant to, I know that much.

Posted on by V

Losses

Death puts so much into respective. My grandmas sister passed away earlier this month and this past Sunday was the funeral. I ended up traveling to FL for less than 48 hours to attend the funeral. The days following her passing I was fine emotionally. As the date got closer to say our final goodbyes it started to dawn on me that life is still very short. Seeing her in the casket shook me to my core. She was unrecognizable. There were so many emotions.. I’m still in disbelief.

Life is short so take the risks. Do what makes you happy regardless of what the world will say. Say what you have to say because you might never get the chance if you don’t cease the moment.

The fear of rejection has kept me from reaching out to my dad’s family but now more than ever I’m ready to take the risks.

If they leave us on read then so be it.

Posted on by V

We are the same

We’re all more alike than we’d ever imagine. We all battle similar obstacles and go through the same phases of life. The major difference is that some of us can put on a better show for the crowd. The ones who can’t wear their hearts on their sleeves. Others are hard to read.

“It ain’t always what it seems when you look happy” is often life’s melody.

Reminder: you may not win the battle but God has already won the war.

Posted on by V

Moth

12:12am

It’s been a long week and what felt like it should have been Friday was only Thursday. On a positive note, I had a white moth inside my house earlier. It followed me inside somehow and while I’m not necessarily superstitious, it’s said that moths are seen as a sign of good luck. They’re even seen as guardian angels in some cultures. Cool, isn’t it?

As my birthday creeps up it was giving reassurance as these young kids say😭. And for those who have to google most lingos like myself, it means it gives off a certain vibe, exhibits certain qualities, or impression.

Reassurance that everything’s going to be alright. I know everything is working out for my good. I’m forever trusting the process.