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Faded Dreams analysis

Music speaks to us in so many ways.

“Though it tried to break me down I’m still here and I’m standing.”

“God my protector, with me forever.. he got my back.”

Simple reminders keep me grounded.

Tomorrow – well today because it’s 12:19am? will be two weeks since my husbands been home while I work. The first week was filled with stress and anxiety but this week we’ve been able to embrace the time together. I work from home so it’s been great having someone here to distract me and have lunch with. Still remaining hopeful although there’s been no update on when he can return to work from his employer. Trusting God to work this one out for our good. He’s got our back😉

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A New Thing Tour

Madison Ryann Ward – Mercury Lounge NYC 9/3/23

I was blessed with the opportunity to see Madison Ryann Ward on her first ever tour over the holiday weekend. Her album A New Thing has healed my soul in ways I never knew were possible. It has healed parts of me I didn’t know needed healing.

Through her music you can tell she’s got a genuinely relatable love for Christ. I love seeing young adults like myself not ashamed to spread the love of God. It was a joy seeing her in person. She walked right by where we were standing to make her way to the stage and I’m surprised I held it together. I can’t wait to see how God uses her for his glory.

The album will always be a favorite of mine because it brought me back to a place I had strayed so far from. This tour is just a small stepping stone for what God has in store for her. She’s got a voice that can calm the storm.

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Cabo

It’s been a week since we got back from Cabo and I’m just finally feeling like myself again. We had a thirty hour travel journey home and it was brutal.

Although it’s a journey to and from Cabo, the town stole my heart. I can’t wait to go back for more than an extended weekend. I loved that we got to support mom and pop restaurants. We ate breakfast at the same spot everyday and I’m glad we decided to go off the tourist path. The locals were amongst some of the friendliest I’ve met. We also had some of the best coffee we’ve ever had too. That was the last thing we expected to rave about when we got home but the family who operates the restaurant should be proud of their hard work.

So far 30 has been good to me. Today I unlocked a new level of production at work and that’s a huge accomplishment. Since I’ve been back production has skyrocketed and I’m only trying to keep the momentum going. We spent Saturday and Sunday afternoon with my in-laws. Lately, steak dinners and a Netflix movie has been our thing. In three weeks my sister in law and niece will be here to visit from Germany and we’re excited. We haven’t seen them since Christmas and the baby has gotten so big. It’s cool having family all over but it awful when you feel like you’re missing crucial moments of their lives. Still grateful for all the time we get though. Some people don’t even get that much.

Aiming to make the 30’s my glass half full decade.

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30

All in all my birthday was a good day. It’s 18 minutes after 9pm and I’m wiped. I love vacations because I enjoy sitting outside taking in my surroundings. I enjoy sitting and admiring God’s handy work. It brings so much needed clarity. Grateful I’ve been blessed with life and health to enjoy this monumental age.

Italian Porketta – Salvatore G’s, Cabo San Lucas
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Moth

12:12am

It’s been a long week and what felt like it should have been Friday was only Thursday. On a positive note, I had a white moth inside my house earlier. It followed me inside somehow and while I’m not necessarily superstitious, it’s said that moths are seen as a sign of good luck. They’re even seen as guardian angels in some cultures. Cool, isn’t it?

As my birthday creeps up it was giving reassurance as these young kids say😭. And for those who have to google most lingos like myself, it means it gives off a certain vibe, exhibits certain qualities, or impression.

Reassurance that everything’s going to be alright. I know everything is working out for my good. I’m forever trusting the process.

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Breaking Barriers

Despite all the losses/missed opportunities in my 20’s the biggest thing I’ve gained was definitely a better relationship with my in-laws all round. The dynamic has shifted in a way I only saw possible in my dreams – if we’re being real. My husband joked that nothing has changed I’ve just accepted their corkiness but there has definitely been a change. We are all more relaxed together, we watch movies and cry together. We have dinner almost every other Saturday now which is awesome and I’m so thankful. I can finally be myself with them without feeling anxious or that I’m being judged to an extent. I could’ve been all in my head back then but either way I’m just glad we’ve been able to overcome those barriers.

I dreaded the idea of having bad in laws forever but “hashtag” look at God.

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New Books

In purchasing a book for my sister’s summer reading, I stumbled upon one that has been on my “saved for later” list for quite some time. I think it’s a great choice for the mini quarter life crisis I seem to be having. Necessary Losses by Judith Viorst. Recommended by my therapist years ago and more recently an actress spoke about the book briefly and brought my attention back to it.

If you’ve read the book, what are your thoughts?

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Family Visits

My sister in law and 10 month old niece just got home from Germany less than an hour ago. It’s almost 1am and having them home and meeting the baby for the first time is just remarkable.

She’s so vibrant, full of joy and unlike most babies who cry when meeting strangers she met us without crying. All smiles and excitement. I’m excited to see how much she grows in the month that she’ll be here.

We are blessed to have a little one who reminds us that family is love. Unity brings peace. Although she’s the small human who needs us to survive we all needed her here also.

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14 years

Thursday the first marked 14 years without Harry. I couldn’t bring myself to jot down my thoughts because the emotions were so raw. My mind asked the same what if questions and the why him questions just as they did the night I got the news. Then today a friend who lost her father on Wednesday sent me this page from a book which I’ll post below. It spoke to my soul in ways I didn’t know I needed. It reminded me that it’s okay to still miss Harry after 14 years. And it reminded me that it’s okay to feel sadness on that day no matter how long it’s been. There’s no wrong way to grieve a loss. The amount of time it takes you to grieve is nothing to be shamed of either.

For Harry
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Forever

Today I was watching an episode of One Tree Hill where they talked about how the idea of forever usually scares us as humans and it got me thinking…

The idea of forever has been the most comforting thing to me. I understand why it may be scary for some but for me the idea of forever has been what has kept me going many times. We see forever in so many aspects of life in both deeds and people. I find that in temporary situations that may be horrible to navigate, forever gets me through because I have hope for the future.

The idea of forever is absolute. I take comfort in knowing that there are things I will have continually. People, relationships, deeds committed, memories, dreams, etc.

The idea of spending “forever” with a partner is exhilarating. The same can be said about having a friendship that carry’s on “forever”.. Knowing that the things we do in this life sticks with us forever keeps me in check. It keeps me from living with regrets. It forces me to do right. It keeps me accountable. Having certain memories forever is humbling because sometimes memories are all we’ve got of someone or something we held close to our hearts. Maintaining dreams give us something to work towards or simply just challenges us to never settle.

When things get dark I remind myself that it isn’t forever and roll with it until the sun shines again.

Strange?

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“Good friend“

Something unexpected happened a few days ago.. they say be careful what you wish for because you just might get it all. I received a phone call one afternoon and everything changed. Suddenly there was no awkwardness and walking on egg shells. It’s crazy how easy it is to reconnect with someone you genuinely connected with before when both people are open to it.

They also say old habits die hard and while I’ve grown up a lot in the last 5 years somethings are just instinct. Caring is an instinct in this case. Empathy is an instinct at this point as well. That’s all there is to it.

In a way, I’m glad that people I haven’t talked to in years feel that they can come to me at anytime when they need solid advice though. It’s flattering really if you think about it. In someone’s darkest time I’m the person they think can help bring some clarity to their situation. Humbling.