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Faded Dreams analysis

Music speaks to us in so many ways.

“Though it tried to break me down I’m still here and I’m standing.”

“God my protector, with me forever.. he got my back.”

Simple reminders keep me grounded.

Tomorrow – well today because it’s 12:19am? will be two weeks since my husbands been home while I work. The first week was filled with stress and anxiety but this week we’ve been able to embrace the time together. I work from home so it’s been great having someone here to distract me and have lunch with. Still remaining hopeful although there’s been no update on when he can return to work from his employer. Trusting God to work this one out for our good. He’s got our back😉

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A New Thing Tour

Madison Ryann Ward – Mercury Lounge NYC 9/3/23

I was blessed with the opportunity to see Madison Ryann Ward on her first ever tour over the holiday weekend. Her album A New Thing has healed my soul in ways I never knew were possible. It has healed parts of me I didn’t know needed healing.

Through her music you can tell she’s got a genuinely relatable love for Christ. I love seeing young adults like myself not ashamed to spread the love of God. It was a joy seeing her in person. She walked right by where we were standing to make her way to the stage and I’m surprised I held it together. I can’t wait to see how God uses her for his glory.

The album will always be a favorite of mine because it brought me back to a place I had strayed so far from. This tour is just a small stepping stone for what God has in store for her. She’s got a voice that can calm the storm.

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Cabo

It’s been a week since we got back from Cabo and I’m just finally feeling like myself again. We had a thirty hour travel journey home and it was brutal.

Although it’s a journey to and from Cabo, the town stole my heart. I can’t wait to go back for more than an extended weekend. I loved that we got to support mom and pop restaurants. We ate breakfast at the same spot everyday and I’m glad we decided to go off the tourist path. The locals were amongst some of the friendliest I’ve met. We also had some of the best coffee we’ve ever had too. That was the last thing we expected to rave about when we got home but the family who operates the restaurant should be proud of their hard work.

So far 30 has been good to me. Today I unlocked a new level of production at work and that’s a huge accomplishment. Since I’ve been back production has skyrocketed and I’m only trying to keep the momentum going. We spent Saturday and Sunday afternoon with my in-laws. Lately, steak dinners and a Netflix movie has been our thing. In three weeks my sister in law and niece will be here to visit from Germany and we’re excited. We haven’t seen them since Christmas and the baby has gotten so big. It’s cool having family all over but it awful when you feel like you’re missing crucial moments of their lives. Still grateful for all the time we get though. Some people don’t even get that much.

Aiming to make the 30’s my glass half full decade.

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Moth

12:12am

It’s been a long week and what felt like it should have been Friday was only Thursday. On a positive note, I had a white moth inside my house earlier. It followed me inside somehow and while I’m not necessarily superstitious, it’s said that moths are seen as a sign of good luck. They’re even seen as guardian angels in some cultures. Cool, isn’t it?

As my birthday creeps up it was giving reassurance as these young kids say😭. And for those who have to google most lingos like myself, it means it gives off a certain vibe, exhibits certain qualities, or impression.

Reassurance that everything’s going to be alright. I know everything is working out for my good. I’m forever trusting the process.

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Breaking Barriers

Despite all the losses/missed opportunities in my 20’s the biggest thing I’ve gained was definitely a better relationship with my in-laws all round. The dynamic has shifted in a way I only saw possible in my dreams – if we’re being real. My husband joked that nothing has changed I’ve just accepted their corkiness but there has definitely been a change. We are all more relaxed together, we watch movies and cry together. We have dinner almost every other Saturday now which is awesome and I’m so thankful. I can finally be myself with them without feeling anxious or that I’m being judged to an extent. I could’ve been all in my head back then but either way I’m just glad we’ve been able to overcome those barriers.

I dreaded the idea of having bad in laws forever but “hashtag” look at God.

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Closing In

Thirty is closing in faster than the speed of lightning it seems. As I approach this pivotal age, I can’t help but look back at what a wild journey it has been. I think back at all the aspirations I had even before my twenties began and how life has aligned the way she sees best. Ha! Okay, maybe not how she sees best, because essentially it’s just the ripple effect. Choices that were made, failures that were endured, loves that were lost (whether that has been romantically, friendships and platonic loves), and massive accomplishments along the way.

Every time I look back, which may damn well be more often than many people, I always credit my favorite teacher for steering me in the right direction in those crucial developmental years. Only God knows what paths I would’ve found myself strolling down if she hadn’t listened. She retired a few days ago and I wish I had the courage to tell her that I love her. It may seem strange to some, but you just have to know what someone saved you from to understand. I’ve always been careful to never skew any boundaries, so it’s always gone unsaid to an extent.

In periods of identity crises, she was the only person who made me feel heard and seen. My family was still new to this country, adults were occupied with starting careers and the everyday household responsibilities. Having a person like her kept me out of the spiral of teen pregnancies, drugs, juvenile delinquency, etc. I remember her classroom being my safe place during school hours. She had multiple during my time there but my favorite was one she had at the end of the hall and I believe there was a blue couch, maybe it was red, but she shared the room with two other teachers mainly separated by furniture but it was still the best place to be. That room remained my safe space even after I graduated. Every time I went back to visit, which was at least once a week back then, her room was the one I bolted for.

Never underestimate the power of listening. Sometimes all someone needs is someone to simply listen.

I’ve learned so many lessons and I’m still learning.

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Family Visits

My sister in law and 10 month old niece just got home from Germany less than an hour ago. It’s almost 1am and having them home and meeting the baby for the first time is just remarkable.

She’s so vibrant, full of joy and unlike most babies who cry when meeting strangers she met us without crying. All smiles and excitement. I’m excited to see how much she grows in the month that she’ll be here.

We are blessed to have a little one who reminds us that family is love. Unity brings peace. Although she’s the small human who needs us to survive we all needed her here also.

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One Month

Today according to social media is 6 years since my husband and I have been friends. But this friendsversary was even more special because we also celebrated one month of marriage today. Married life has been great. I feel safe knowing that I have my life partner.

In giving thanks for what I have I can’t help but think about those who long for companionship but don’t have the same luxury that my husband and I have. Wishing everyone longing for their person nothing but love and clarity while your person makes their way to you.

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2022

It’s a new year which means more opportunities for growth and change. Although 2021 was just as turbulent as 2020 a lot of good things happened for me and I hope that’s the same for you. If not, let’s aim to make this year your year as well.

On December 11th I married my best friend. We had an intimate ceremony and I’ve just been on cloud 9 ever since. I feel such relief knowing that I’ve found my life partner and we managed to make it official which just opens so many doors for us and our future. I find that I’ve become more motivated since the wedding. Once upon a time having an actual wedding seemed so far out of reach so getting to experience the day and all the events leading up to that just makes me feel like we can achieve anything we set our minds to even if we just have three months to plan and execute the mission.

The stress I felt planning a wedding in such short amount of time was unlike anything else I’ve felt before but overcoming that just proves that as humans we are so much more resilient than we may think. Through all the planning I leaned on my ability to set boundaries and not overexert myself. When I felt I had given my all I was able to clearly state that and take care of myself and that’s something that I’m proud of because there was a time when I didn’t have the courage to set boundaries and take care of myself above all.

After the wedding was over I turned my brain off so much so that I forgot my luggage for our honeymoon. It literally had not crossed my mind once that we set out on our road trip without any clothes until we got to our destination which will be a great story to tell someday. The car ride was filled with laughter, relief and love. It almost felt like we were driving into our future and nothing we were leaving behind mattered which at the end of the day clothes truly didn’t 😉

Praying that this year is filled with so much adventure, bold opportunities, health and love for everyone.

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Catching up

Since the last time I’ve posted so much has happened.

In July I decided to get vaccinated after months of hesitation. The hesitation wasn’t necessarily from me either I told my mom that I would get the shot with her so she didn’t have to do it alone and I kept my word and waited until she was ready. She was hesitant because of the possible side effects which was understandable. Our first dose of the vaccine didn’t have terrible side effects. Our arms were sore about 3-5 hours after the shot was administered and the following day we had body aches just like we did when we had covid. The second day I was completely fine but mom had swollen lymph nodes for about 3 or 4 days. The second dose usually affects people more than the first but ironically enough we didn’t experience any side effects just minor soreness in our arms but not nearly as bad as the first dose and the soreness didn’t last as long.

I still feel anxiety in crowded places because I don’t want to endure a second bout with covid but I’m thankful for the vaccine and it’s ability to minimize symptoms if I am exposed again.

There’s been so many different opinions about the effectiveness of these vaccines and it’s heartbreaking to see how people are allowing differences in choices to ruin friendships and family dynamics. I’ve posted before about how I’ve handled family and friends who don’t take covid as seriously as I do because of my experience with it and since then it’s only gotten worse. That story in itself deserves its own post though.

I hope y’all are doing well. Remain vigilant and spread love always.

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14 years

Thursday the first marked 14 years without Harry. I couldn’t bring myself to jot down my thoughts because the emotions were so raw. My mind asked the same what if questions and the why him questions just as they did the night I got the news. Then today a friend who lost her father on Wednesday sent me this page from a book which I’ll post below. It spoke to my soul in ways I didn’t know I needed. It reminded me that it’s okay to still miss Harry after 14 years. And it reminded me that it’s okay to feel sadness on that day no matter how long it’s been. There’s no wrong way to grieve a loss. The amount of time it takes you to grieve is nothing to be shamed of either.

For Harry
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Advocate

Life is such a remarkable journey. We learn things about ourselves, others and the world we live in daily.

This week the lesson is that we are our own advocates.

If we don’t advocate for our needs and what we deserve no one else will. Allowing people to treat us in ways that we do not deserve only hurts us at the end of the day. Never allow people to cross a line and not call them out on it because if you let it slide, sadly there will be a second time. Never diminish your self worth to please others. Hold them accountable when they screw you over.

Loving someone does not mean you let them walk all over you repeatedly.

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Remember

Throughout life we will no doubt come across a variety of different people. People on different paths and at different places in their lives. Some people will be a little bit more lost than others in their journeys.

I am someone who is drawn to those who need a little bit more help along the way or a push in the right direction than your average person, but if there’s anything I’ve learned from that it’s that you can’t help those who don’t want to help themselves. You can want the best for someone but if they don’t want the best for themselves it’ll be a never ending cycle. Over time you’ll feel like a broken record extending the same encouragements and guidance just to not have the person committed to accepting the help being provided.

Seeing someone spiral down paths they’ve been down time and time again expecting different results but not changing their behavior is exhausting. So saying this to say that, when you’ve done all you can, said all you can and provided all the resources you can – let yourself off the hook.

None of us can save someone who does not want to be saved.

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Fortunate

If you’re lucky the person you love decides to love you back.

I’m one of those fortunate enough to have someone choosing to love me everyday. While we’re celebrating such a high point in our lives and our engagement I can’t help but think of those who won’t know what this feels like. The excitement of knowing someone wants to be in your company for the rest of their lives. It’s humbling no matter how long you’ve been together.

Tonight, while we all have different comforts I hope that those less fortunate than I am find peace and are comforted in ways that I may not be fortunate enough to experience.

I remember years ago all of my friends were getting married and purchasing homes but I stayed in my lane and worked hard to get where I am today. Many of those friends are now divorced or wish they had known who they were marrying better but, I at least get to say after 5 years with my fiancé there will be no regrets. I’m glad I did not allow my internal clock to push me into the arms of someone not worth of my love or time. I’m glad I learned that my progress should not be compared to others. It doesn’t matter how fast or slow you finish the race the important thing is that you ultimately finish the race.

Someone else’s journey does not diminish your own.