Posted on by V

Goodbye 2019

This year and the decade overall has been filled with many ups and downs for me. To make a very long story short I lost myself, I lost friends, I lost loved ones, I’ve been abused, I’ve been the abuser, I’ve wallowed in my misery, I’ve brushed my shoes off and kept walking, I’ve been broken and I’ve been in repair. The repair process has been a journey that I needed to embark on alone and without any of the experiences I wouldn’t have the strength I need to keep going. I’ve come to terms with everything. Everyday I see more and more that all of those things happened for a reason. Reasons that I wouldn’t have understood then but I’m proud of the personal growth and self love that this decade of ups and downs has allowed me have.

One important thing I learned this year is that it’s okay to mourn. Sometimes we grieve the living. Things change.

  • I’m grateful for all the lessons I’ve learned and all the people who were in my life in those seasons of learning. Everyone has serve a purpose whether it’s great or small and I can only hope that I’ve served more positive purposes than negative in the lives of others as they look back on closing out this decade.
  • I’m leaving this decade behind with love and clarity. Something I can’t say I’ve had at the same time before. Here’s to hoping the next decade is even more phenomenal and here’s to hoping we all continue to grow into being more understanding individuals.

    • V

    Posted on by V

    Tread lightly

    Over the last 4 years I’ve spend a lot of time analyzing the way things could’ve turned out different. Analyzing all the choices that were made and how situations could’ve been handled differently. For years I blamed myself for mishandling the situation and as a result costing myself someone I valued quite a bit.

    Time went on and as they say time heals all wounds. The disappointment in myself lessened. I learned different ways to handle similar situations if I were to ever find myself in that situation again. I made peace with my choices and the outcomes of consequences I had to live with. I accepted how life was after the fact.

    Now, I feel I have a privilege I never saw coming or planned for. In some ways I’m sort of slightly freaking out because I don’t know where to go from here. I know what direction I want things to go in but I’m not sure that’s even possible. I know what I want but I’m not sure the ball is in my court in that sense. I don’t think I’m in a position to really call the shots. With that being said, I don’t want to let this chance slip through my fingertips.

    One day at a time, eh?

    Posted on by V

    Christmas 19

    Overall, this Christmas was the best one I’ve had in quite a few years. I’m thankful for the level of understanding that was displayed by members of the family. I’m thankful for the quality time spent. I’m thankful for all the laughter and banter. I feel truly blessed as this year winds down.

    This holiday is usually just another one where there are certain family members that are not around either because they are in a different part of the world and couldn’t be present or because of death. While their presence will always be missed a day like today is really one where you just take in everything around you. Appreciate what’s right here and now in front of you. Here’s to hoping someday we’re all in the same geographic location.

    I can only hope the ones not here due to death have found peace and are resting easy. While trying to enjoy the moment H you are not forgotten.

    Thankful for forgiveness also.. hearing from someone I haven’t spoken to in a long time was unexpected but forgiveness is everything.

    Tomorrow the 26th marks four years. How time has passed.. and how things have changed for the better. Cheers.

    Posted on by V

    F Anxiety

    So anxiety is a bitch. I spent all day having nervous breakdowns and worrying about how things would be at this Christmas Eve party just to show up and have it be better than my anxiety could’ve allowed me to imagine. Needless to say, I’m glad that the day ended the way it did. I’m glad I was able to overcome my anxiety for one night. That’s literally all I can do. One day at a time.

    Posted on by V

    Christmas Eve

    The holiday season is supposed to be filled with joy, love and family. It’s easy to lose sight of that on top of all the rituals and obligations that we may feel we have to participate in. Seeing family and friends that I haven’t seen much throughout the year has my anxieties on the max level today. I fear the unknown you could say. Not knowing how those at this gathering will react seeing me for the first time in months. Not knowing if they’ll understand the distance and my reasoning for loving my solitude. Not knowing if I’ll be judged for the amount of time I can manage to be there for emotionally. All of these things make it seem so much easier to stay home and protect my mental space. With that option though comes the awkward tensions on the true day of the holiday and no one understanding why protecting my mental space is so important. Families can think that it’s good to be gathered together but while it’s good for most there are people like me who honestly would rather do nothing at all. It slightly annoys me that at this time no one can wish that people do what is the best thing for them. We may not understand why but I think that family should be supportive of whatever another member needs in order to be healthy, in order to get through the holidays and in order to enjoy the holiday season however they choose. People don’t seem to be aware of how much harm the obligations and traditions can do to a person’s mental health and here’s to hoping for holiday seasons that aren’t filled with a ton of pressure in the future.

    Posted on by V

    Seasonal

    Seasonal depression is more real than people tend to admit. The holiday season is supposed to be filled with joy and a ton of bonding experiences with family and friends. There are gift giving obligations and various dinners and brunches. While that is all good it’s easy to forget that in the midst of that can be severe depression and anxieties are at an all time high.

    Not everyone spends this time of the year surrounded by family or friends. Sometimes it’s not that people choose to be alone it’s that it’s their only option. For some this time of the year can be the most dreaded. For some this time of the year is the one time self consciousness is through the roof. For some this time of the year can be a time of mourning and grieving lost loved ones.

    If you know someone who has seemed distant during this time be conscious of the fact that emotions are usually at an all time high this time of the year. With all that’s expected everything can easily become overwhelming.

    Posted on by V

    Father Daughter

    Today I had a longer conversation with my dad than usual. While everything is going well, I’ve noticed that my dad has issues with self forgiveness. And as I’ve gotten older I find myself going back to a lot of mistakes I’ve made in the past and I’ll replay situations and think of how I could’ve done things differently. It’s not my healthiest trait or tendency but hearing him talk about a decision he made years ago set off a light bulb for me. He stated that he should’ve known better and I have said the same thing to myself recently. Sometimes I’ll remember somethings and I get the urge to reach out to someone and apologize even if I’ve done so before but I have enough self control not to go that far. Despite all the stupid choices and all the things and people I’ve lost because of it I’m still beyond blessed to be living the life I am today.

    My dad is my best friend. I learn so much about myself when I’m spending time with him.