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14 years

Thursday the first marked 14 years without Harry. I couldn’t bring myself to jot down my thoughts because the emotions were so raw. My mind asked the same what if questions and the why him questions just as they did the night I got the news. Then today a friend who lost her father on Wednesday sent me this page from a book which I’ll post below. It spoke to my soul in ways I didn’t know I needed. It reminded me that it’s okay to still miss Harry after 14 years. And it reminded me that it’s okay to feel sadness on that day no matter how long it’s been. There’s no wrong way to grieve a loss. The amount of time it takes you to grieve is nothing to be shamed of either.

For Harry
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Advocate

Life is such a remarkable journey. We learn things about ourselves, others and the world we live in daily.

This week the lesson is that we are our own advocates.

If we don’t advocate for our needs and what we deserve no one else will. Allowing people to treat us in ways that we do not deserve only hurts us at the end of the day. Never allow people to cross a line and not call them out on it because if you let it slide, sadly there will be a second time. Never diminish your self worth to please others. Hold them accountable when they screw you over.

Loving someone does not mean you let them walk all over you repeatedly.

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Fortunate

If you’re lucky the person you love decides to love you back.

I’m one of those fortunate enough to have someone choosing to love me everyday. While we’re celebrating such a high point in our lives and our engagement I can’t help but think of those who won’t know what this feels like. The excitement of knowing someone wants to be in your company for the rest of their lives. It’s humbling no matter how long you’ve been together.

Tonight, while we all have different comforts I hope that those less fortunate than I am find peace and are comforted in ways that I may not be fortunate enough to experience.

I remember years ago all of my friends were getting married and purchasing homes but I stayed in my lane and worked hard to get where I am today. Many of those friends are now divorced or wish they had known who they were marrying better but, I at least get to say after 5 years with my fiancé there will be no regrets. I’m glad I did not allow my internal clock to push me into the arms of someone not worth of my love or time. I’m glad I learned that my progress should not be compared to others. It doesn’t matter how fast or slow you finish the race the important thing is that you ultimately finish the race.

Someone else’s journey does not diminish your own.

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Post COVID Update

It’s been three months since I’ve had COVID and the thing I’m still dealing with is the changes to my menstrual cycle. I’ve noticed these changes since the month of January but I never thought that COVID could’ve been a factor until now. Usually small changes are normal but when these changes continued to occur that’s when I started to worry. After some research it’s fairly evident that COVID has changed my cycle in length, intensity of symptoms and even the flow. For me seeing so many women reporting the same issues or noticing the same changes caused my anxiety to spike just a little. I think the thing that has gotten me with this virus the most since the beginning is the unknown. No one can say for sure how this virus affects our bodies especially long term. It seems to be different from person to person and I think a lot of that contributes to why there’s still so much to learn about the virus. Along with these lingering changes I’m finding that as those around me seem more relaxed about COVID that also triggers my anxiety. I’m at a point where I hear of others getting it twice and I certainly do not want to go through that experience again. The experience was terrible enough the first time and I wouldn’t hold my breath at a second infection being any better than the first if not worst. I’m not sure if having experienced it is the reason why I still don’t take it lightly but it’s hard communicating my concerns because they’re so easily dismissed. There’s a sense of feeling that those around me feel that because a year has passed and they’re fine still not adhering to recommended guidelines they don’t need to take it seriously. I know that everyone is entitled to their own feelings about this pandemic and the vaccinations in general but it’s difficult to not feel betrayed by the lack of concern when it is people as close as family and friends. I think the safest thing for me personally is to keep my bubble small and be mindful of who I allow around me in that sense. I don’t think I’m living in fear at this point because I’m a lot more social this year than I was last year this time but I just think that it’s best for me to continue doing what I’m doing to avoid a second infection as much as possible.

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Forever

Today I was watching an episode of One Tree Hill where they talked about how the idea of forever usually scares us as humans and it got me thinking…

The idea of forever has been the most comforting thing to me. I understand why it may be scary for some but for me the idea of forever has been what has kept me going many times. We see forever in so many aspects of life in both deeds and people. I find that in temporary situations that may be horrible to navigate, forever gets me through because I have hope for the future.

The idea of forever is absolute. I take comfort in knowing that there are things I will have continually. People, relationships, deeds committed, memories, dreams, etc.

The idea of spending “forever” with a partner is exhilarating. The same can be said about having a friendship that carry’s on “forever”.. Knowing that the things we do in this life sticks with us forever keeps me in check. It keeps me from living with regrets. It forces me to do right. It keeps me accountable. Having certain memories forever is humbling because sometimes memories are all we’ve got of someone or something we held close to our hearts. Maintaining dreams give us something to work towards or simply just challenges us to never settle.

When things get dark I remind myself that it isn’t forever and roll with it until the sun shines again.

Strange?

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Nice Knowing Ya 2020

This year was by far one of the most trying for many of us. The global pandemic affected us in more ways than we could have ever imagined. I’ve also learned so much about myself this year as well.

In a year where life as we knew it changed overnight one day in March due to lockdowns I found that this year I craved a lot of “normalcy”. I craved the things that felt comfortable and some of that included people who today are no longer the people they were when they represented what was normal to me.

Four years ago one night in December my world changed forever and while then I tried to hold on to the little I could, this year I realized it was time to let go and finally close chapters I kept rewriting in my head. I held on to promises made that were unrealistic. I held on to someone I was so sure would be around through all my adult years.

As time has gone on I’ve realized that this person served their purpose in my life. The story has ended and there’s no way to rewrite it. We played pivotal roles in each other’s lives at one point but we’ve been on different journeys for years now. I guess I was just never ready to truly admit that our promises were naive. The thing is something can cause a bond to exist but eventually that thing is no longer the most important aspect in either of our lives. When that happens we become people that neither of us recognize. The bond grows thin day by day until it no longer exists and that’s life.

So while I craved that sense of comfortability many of these last 365 days I’m leaving that desire in 2020. It’s best I walk away and leave our promise in the year that caused so much pain and loss for many. A lot of people lost loved ones and friends this year due to Covid-19. A lot of people lost jobs due to the pandemic and a lot of small business owners lost their livelihoods. So in a year where people will forever mourn so much I’m choosing to leave this bond here as well.

This year, I can say in the U.S. with over three hundred thousand people dead from Covid-19, I survived it. Six members of my family survived the virus. Many days this year we saw stories of families losing more than one member to the virus but I was fortunate.

I will eternally be grateful for surviving this thing because many were not as lucky. I will always be grateful that no one in my family had to rely on unemployment insurance benefits at any time this year. I will always be grateful for the ability to have helped those in need this year. I’m thankful for love, health, family, friends and financial stability.

May 2021 bring you nothing but joy, peace, and memories that will repair our hearts after such a cruel year. Cheers.🥂

“Oh, it’s better up ahead
The worst is over now
Remember what I said
Live, you don’t have to look back
But if you ever do,
You know where I’m at” – Gavin DeGraw

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Quarantine Day 12

I think at this point it’s safe to say we’re all recovering and doing well. Well, those of us who tested positive the weekend prior to Christmas. Days 7-10 were definitely the worst days and nights but on day 11 there was a drastic change in our energy levels, appetites and over all feeling enduring covid. Today being day 12 has been just as positive. Now it seems the only lingering symptoms are our sense of smell being a little off. We didn’t lose it but boy has that changed. A lot of foods have a weird odor I’m not necessarily sure how to describe it but it’s not great. At first I speculated that it was the cheese on pizza and lasagna but then we had spaghetti and it was the same – no cheese.. then we had subs and there was the smell again. I’m hoping that this goes away soon because it does sometimes cause a nauseous feeling. My mom can’t stand the smell of Lysol, so that’s fun. We also have a slight lingering cough but gradually that is less often as the days go by. The two who tested positive last are going through more emotional side effects. There’s some depression due to the isolation and the time period that the isolation is taking place but besides feeling a little off there are no major reports of symptoms so that is always a plus. Oh, and the family member who had the worst case is now home and out of the hospital just two days shy of the two week mark since we found out he had covid. He was sent home with an oxygen tank but the fact that he’s home is an improvement.

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Quarantine Day 8

Up until this point symptoms were kind of extremely mild in everyone. Yesterday we had two more positive tests amongst the family so that was another blow to the emotional side of fighting covid. So far everyone still has mild symptoms but now it’s really starting to feel like our bodies are fighting an illness. I must’ve slept for 12 hours last night alone and have been in bed most of today. My body is extremely achey as well which could be from being in bed for so long or covid. I’ve also been congested and have been for about 3 days now. The first two days I was sneezing a lot but now it’s just a congestion. The 8 year old is still her regular self minus a cough every two hours or so which she claims is not a cough but a clearing of her throat. LOL. My mom as of last night has started to feel a little shortness of breath so she’s also trying to take it easy. She still has the back pain which isn’t as bad as it was days 3-5. The first positive person ended up back in the ER the night of day 6 due to ongoing coughs which prevented him from being able to breathe. We’ve since learned that he has covid pneumonia so we’re worried but trying to not worry too much because we don’t want to hinder our own recoveries. He says the hospital conditions are tough.. he hasn’t showered in a few days and there’s no hot water on the hospital ward. I’m not sure how there’s no hot water but obviously that may not be the hospital’s number one priority at this time.

I figured by now we’d be feeling a little better considering we all coasted through the first week of quarantining but I may be wrong. I have a feeling the last two positive cases were positive the time I tested but a nurse refused to test them and I stand firm in my argument that she was wrong for that. They work amongst children and other teachers and I’m not sure why they wouldn’t want to confirm a case so others can be made aware of exposure. Especially because the children they work with are children of doctors and nurses and those who work in the major hospital in our area.

In times like these I understand not wanting to waste a test but I think those who work with our health care workers should get testing no matter how minimal the exposure because there’s such a trickle down effect if they’re positive. If one of the last two positives didn’t start experiencing loss of smell they would’ve continued to take that nurse’s advice and gone to work as instructed and gone about their lives. One of them has severe asthma so I’m praying that their symptoms are not more severe than what I’m feeling.

Praying that things start to look up over the next few days. Trying to stay hydrated, trying to force food down although there’s 0 appetite at times. It’s weird because that comes in waves. Sometimes I’ll be hungry and other times there’s just no desire for food. I’ve noticed the same with my mom. The 8 year old not so much we had family drop off Christmas goodies and she’s eating as long as we put food before her.

Thankful it’s not more severe. Thankful no one else is hospitalized. Thankful for those praying and reaching out and doing all they can to support us through this tough time.

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Quarantine Update

It’s day four and we’re still waiting for test results but there are some clear signs of covid. Yesterday my back was on fire. The same with my mom, today she can barely move. I think despite the aches and pains I’m feeling my main concern isn’t myself but her. I find that I’ve been more anxious when I hear a cough or hear her trying to move from one place to another. If I could bare the symptoms for her I would. I worry because no one knows what to expect.

I’ve also become increasingly angry with family who haven’t reached out yet but know the severity of this virus. What are they waiting for? For someone to be intubated before calling to see how we’re doing? Or to say how they’re thinking of us? I think in these times we need the support of our loved ones more than anything and in what can be the darkest time of our lives we need to know that there are others putting positive vibes out there for us. We need to know that there is a support system we can fall back on when we feel discouraged.

I think when people know what you’re going through and they choose to not reach out those aren’t people we need in our circle. I think one good thing that will come out of this quarantine experience is learning who our true family and friends are. The ones who check in periodically and the ones who offer to help in anyway possible. Hold those people close and take note of those who can’t be bothered.

I understand that this year has been very trying for everyone but if you know you have family exposed or quarantining the least you can do is send your love. It’s the little things that matter the most in these times and that’s all we need to keep a positive attitude.

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Covid-19

Friday I got a call that made my stomach drop. A close relative that I’ve been in contact with tested positive for covid. Several members of my family had to get tested this weekend now we’re all on day two of our quarantine. As we wait for the results of our tests to come back the most nerve-racking part is not knowing what’s going to happen as these days go on.

Initially I felt angry and scared. Scared because I’m at a point where I don’t know what about covid is a fact or a piece of information exploited by politics. Scared because my grandparents were potentially exposed. Scared because an 8 year old was exposed. Scared because it meant my life was now at a standstill. Every plan I had for the holiday is now out the window as my quarantine period will not end until after the new year.

Now it’s a waiting game even if our results are negative it doesn’t mean symptoms cannot be developed between the time of exposure and the 14 days. We aren’t sure how it was contracted but all I know is it’s a whole different ball game when covid is in your own household.

Nevertheless, I’m thankful no one else is experiencing symptoms at this time although we are all anxious and stressed. I pray for health and strength. I pray that these 14 days end quickly. Continue to be vigilant always.

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Thanksgiving 2020

This Thanksgiving was definitely different than other years. Although we were in a smaller setting with immediate family only I’m still thankful I was able to enjoy a meal with my loved ones. I’m thankful that no one I care about has been affected by Covid. Many people are grieving the loss of a loved one this Thanksgiving or can’t even be with family at all due to Covid. I’m grateful for all the lessons learned so far this year and for health, strength, and a work from home contract. My work from home contract was extended until July 2021 and throughout this entire pandemic I didn’t have to worry about job security at all and that is a huge blessing. I’m thankful that I’ve been put in a position to extend help to those who need it whether that’s emotionally, financially or physically. Hope y’all had a good holiday despite the circumstances.

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Breonna Taylor

Today has been emotionally exhausting. The longer the cries for justice go on the deeper the pit in our stomachs become. Terrifying isn’t the word to describe what this country is becoming.

As much as I want to find the words to describe how I’m feeling I just can’t. We always knew the odds of justice were slim but facing the harsh reality is still no easier.

$12 million dollars cannot bring a loved one back from the dead and $12 million dollars cannot justify not charging those responsible for an innocent’s death.

Black lives will always matter. Fairness and equality will always be demanded.

Spread peace. Spread love. Stay safe.

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Covid-19

Damn, can we catch a break?

It’s taken me a few weeks to process what’s been happening in the world. This virus has had us on an insane rollercoaster ride. It went from being a hoax to a monster demolishing our health and economy. With a majority of the state shut down in response to COVID-19 many people get to stay home but my job is considered essential for the health and wellbeing of the citizen in the state so I’ve been going into work everyday as I normally would. This thing is almost like a silent killer for the contagious period where people may show no symptoms. You simply don’t know who has it around you and I think that’s the most challenging part.

All over the world people have been in a panic over this virus. From not having adequate testing and safety equipment to panic shopping – it’s gotten out of hand. People are dying whether it’s just another strain of the flu or whether it’s not. The virus is easily transmitted whether it’s like flu or not. Nurses and doctors risk their lives and possibly infecting their families and loved ones for those who are ill whether it’s like the flu or not.

Today I went grocery shopping thinking I would pick up a few things that I’m running low on and I couldn’t stand being out for more than 15 minutes before getting angry about the condition I saw the stores in. I saw empty shelves and bare necessities are nowhere to be found. That made me severely aggravated because I thought about those who are worst off than I am. I figured if I’m not completely out of the items I was looking for at home and I was that aggravated then I could only imagine what others who are more desperate than I am are feeling. I can only imagine how the elderly are feeling distraught not finding what they need on top of the fear of picking up the virus. I can only imagine what the new mother is feeling not able to find wipes for her two week old baby.

Unemployment rates are higher than ever and so much is unknown about the future. Many businesses have closed and it’s sad to see so many be affected by this. In a time when it’s so easy to be consumed by fear and uncertainty we must remain hopeful.

Be kind to one another and in times like these help each other.