Posted on by V

Grandpa

I hope you’re watching over us today, as you would have been 78 years old. It’s a difficult truth to face—that I never had the chance to meet you. I can’t help but imagine all the moments we could’ve shared, the conversations we could’ve had about our mutual love for music, the fishing trips we could’ve gone on, or the countless boats you might have helped design. I think about the jewelry pieces we would’ve picked out together to add to my collection, and all the ways you could have shaped my life.

Talking to family has made me realize that everyone chose their own path in their relationship with you, but in my heart, I know that distance would never have been a barrier for us. There’s always been a quiet longing for you that’s never gone away. For much of my life, I’ve felt as though a part of me was missing, and it took me time to understand and find my way. But despite that ache, I’m endlessly grateful that I carried a piece of you with me all these years.

Music saved me when nothing else could, pulling me from so many dark places. It’s the thread that’s always bound me to you, even though you were never physically there. If you weren’t my grandpa, I honestly don’t know where I’d be today. You might not have been with me in body, but I’ve always felt your presence in spirit—through the music, the legacy, and the love you unknowingly passed down. For that, I’m forever thankful.

Continue to rest eternally♥️
Posted on by V

Bye 2024

This year was truly one for the books. I wish I would say it’s ending on a high note but I don’t necessarily think that is the case.

This New Year’s Eve has fallen victim to the crappy day tradition as most New Year’s Eves in my experience do.

So much transpired this year but there were some good in there as well. We found my dad’s paternal family and that was the biggest blessing. Although my grandpa has since passed I’m still so grateful to know who his family is and to know that we have all carried pieces of him with us without even knowing it.

Here’s to those who are no longer here with us.

Here’s to 2025. May the new year bring nothing but blessings. God is forever faithful and in control.

Posted on by V

Look At God

I spent months losing my mind for nothing. As always, making something out of nothing.

I finally reached out to my father’s paternal family and it went so much better than I could’ve ever imagined. I think I spent so much time worrying about what if things went wrong that I did not remember to think about what if they went right.. what a day it has been. I can’t thank God enough for coming through for us on this.

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Nobody’s Perfect

Since I received my dad’s Ancestry DNA results I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. We all know that in this life we are flawed human beings, but it wasn’t until I got the results that I felt the magnitude of what this means. It’s crazy how one persons choices affect generations down the line. It means coming to terms with not having questions answered the way we would like but also forgiving the fact that answers will not be cut and dry. It’s easy to feel resentment but what is the point? Resentment towards people who are no longer here to speak their truth? Or resentment towards those who did not miss out on half of their identity? There’s no point. This has taught me to be more aware of how my actions today cause a ripple effect for tomorrow. I feel robbed of the chance to be apart of this huge family but at the same time I’ve had a good life despite all the obstacles thrown our way. Not knowing half of our family has allowed dad and I to grow close and remain close as I became an adult. It’s taught us to appreciate what we had and I don’t think we would look at life the way we do now if we knew his father’s side of the family. Nothing is an accident. God does everything perfectly.

I’m beyond scared of rejection but I think before the year ends I will send one simple message and let the chips fall where they may. I’m praying someone sees my dad is their half sibling and wants to help us bridge that gap but if not, we’ll be okay. Carry on as if nothing has changed because ultimately it hasn’t. We just now know what our last name is scientifically.

Our new family members probably don’t even know what to do with this new information and I can’t be upset at that. It’s not everyday you find out you have family members out there that you have never known. It could be received well or completely be the worst thing to have happened to them. Time will well.

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Ancestry Results

Well, we did it…

Sunday December 8th, moments before I walked into church I received an e-mail that my dad’s Ancestry DNA Results were in. The results did not come as a surprise. However, I can’t help but feel as if I’m grieving. We won’t ever get answers straight from my grandfather but the details are no longer relevant. No one is to blame except unfortunate circumstances.

The four women I had matched with who were listed as possible half aunts/first cousins show up for my dad as half siblings. The other possibility does not make sense because it has already been confirmed that all of these women are half siblings themselves.

Months ago I came across pictures of the man who was their father and I instantly saw my dad looking back at me through him. In that moment my heart sunk at the thought that we missed our chance to know what seemed to be a great man. Anything we know of him moving forward will be through someone else’s lens. It’ll be through their perceptions and perspectives of the person he was. It breaks my heart to know that he is not here to welcome us into his family. I can’t imagine a world where he would not want to get to know us so I’m trying to keep my thoughts on the positive side.

My dad is relieved we finally have the answers we’ve been waiting for since May but I felt his sadness when we realized his father has truly passed. How dare we mourn a man we have never met? Typical us. I pray that whatever comes our way from here that God holds us in the hallow palm of his hands. I pray for comfort. I pray for peace and clarity.

We don’t have high expectations because we know the key piece of our story is not here to play the role of introducing us to the family but I truly hope at least one person wants to get to know us. We’ve spent years yearning for some sort of family connection and I hope we get to experience the good side of finding long lost family. On Reddit, I’ve read so many horror stories of families not wanting anything to do with new family members they find on the Ancestry portal and the fear of rejection has crippled me for months so I waited until I had my dads results to be sure. Now that I have his results, both he and my older brother are looking to me to reach out to someone and that is a lot to shoulder. I pray I don’t get left on read when I do work up the courage to send a message.

We don’t expect the family to want to make up for lost time. We’re all adults – strangers who share DNA. Their father’s passing is still recent so who knows what this could mean to them.

Throughout my young adolescent years, I struggled with self identity and seeking validation in all the wrong places. I feel this situation has tested years of therapy because I feel like I’m 14 again. Praying we are accepted, praying we don’t bring harm to this family, praying that this is a new beginning.

When I got home from church and sat in my car thinking about how much today is a monumental day, I saw two cardinal birds playing on a branch right by the car. I’m not superstitious by any means but I couldn’t help but feel they were our guardian angels. The grandfather I have never met coming to say hello.

No matter what the outcome of this is, my dad and brothers and I will always have each other. I will absolutely be a little hurt but life goes on. I opened this door when I submitted my test so this is my burden to shoulder if we are rejected.

I’m scared of saying the wrong thing and coming off as insensitive. I’m scared I’ve gotten my hopes up and my expectations will be my downfall. You’d think my counseling skills would make this less scary for me but nope.

Before I try to connect with anyone, I need to come to terms with the possibility of rejection so I don’t need years of therapy to work through being blindsided by an unfavorable outcome.

Here’s to family.

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Dad’s Sample

We got back to the states yesterday from a trip home. As always being in Jamaica is always good for the soul. We did a lot more relaxing this trip than any other. After the election we needed to unplug and unwind. I brought my dad’s Ancestry DNA sample back and mailed it in. We’re anxious but excited and scared at the same time. This could go either really well or very bad. Whatever the outcome will be, I keep reminding myself that life goes on.

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Jah Jah

I’ve been home in Jamaica for a few days and it’s been bitter sweet. I was able to meet my brother in person and that was spectacular. He picked us up at the airport after a hectic day of delays and then drove us through a storm to our dad’s house. This year has been the year of family discoveries and it’s not over just yet. We have one more DNA test to complete before we can put all of this to rest.

My dad says his mom had a picture of the man we suspect is his father in her room when he was a boy but after she died he didn’t know who the man was so they got rid of the picture with other belongings. It’s wild to think all these years the answers were right there but we just never knew. Same with my brother… I’m sure paths were crossed unknowingly.

It’s been a rocky year but I’m glad it’s almost over. When we get the last set of results a weight will be lifted I hope. I truly hope communication flows with the family the way it flows for my bother and I.

I pray my dad can stay focused when we get these results. I pray we get more questions answered than we are left with.

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Big Brother

10 days ago it was confirmed that we have located my older brother. All my life I’ve heard my dad speak of the possibility and we finally were able to connect the pieces together.

One of the reasons I took the ancestry DNA test was to possibly find a half sibling as well as hoping to find my paternal family. 2024 has been a wild year of family revelations and plot twists.

Family dynamics have shifted drastically and it’s not over because in two weeks or so I’ll be mailing in my dad’s DNA sample. Queue the anxiety🥴

I’m glad we found my older brother but it’s definitely strange not being the oldest anymore. I’ve thought a lot about what life would’ve been like if I grew up with a sibling who was only a year and two months older. I think some decisions would’ve been made differently but everything happens exactly how they are meant to, I know that much.

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Late Night Chronicles

Dad: “Well Shad, I’d hope that they have a heart because it sounds like he had a heart.”

Me: Not as optimistic “uh huh”

I told him that I noticed another one of the sisters was on the Ancestry DNA portal last week. I did not send a message to her initially because someone in connection to them had already responded to me. When I log on the DNA matches are right in front of my face. I can’t help but wonder if they see me in their matches and are curious as to who I am. Or if they aren’t even phased by the possibility that I am a close relative of theirs.

Hoping my dad is correct. Truly.

Posted on by V

Different

Life changed in May 2024 in more ways than one. My ancestry DNA results shook my world and days following that my little brother made a decision that altered the course of our lives forever.

After many long conversations trying to make sense of it to anyone who would listen, I’ve come to the conclusion that my dad and I will never fully recover from this. Everyday I feel his pain. I feel the void in his heart. I feel the regret and confusion.

We found my dad’s birth family on his father’s side after many years of thinking we had the story right but I haven’t found the courage to truly reach out because I know we can’t handle another round with rejection and abandonment.

My desire is to get to know the family. My desire is to learn of our cultural ties with India. My desire is to have them welcome us with open arms but it’s difficult when the key piece of the puzzle is not here to confirm our suspicions.

I always wrestled with my sense of identity and finding out the DNA results brought up some old emotions. Praying for a breakthrough.

Posted on by V

To Be Continued

For months I had intentions of doing an ancestry DNA test but procrastinated up until a few weeks ago. The results came in this past Saturday morning..

They were rather unexpected. We found an entire family but there are more questions than answers.

What are our true relationships? Who fathered my father? Should we even bother playing Nancy Drew? Would this alter the trajectory of our lives?

Truly just wanted my father to have some answers and possibly a relationship with family on his paternal side but what’s meant to be will be.

Like he says regardless of how this turns out we still have each other. The 4 of us will be good either way but how awesome would it be to get to know the people we share DNA with.

God is in control.