Today was interesting to say the least. I spoke to the young man who we think is my brother and I realized that we had similar experiences with our dating lives as well. I couldn’t help but think of how different things would’ve been if I had the advice of a sibling so close in age. I helped him reconnect with someone who means a lot to him. It was nice to realize that she might be his person. He’s possibly found his birth family and she was who he wanted to share that experience with. I know what it’s like to have that person as well. Ironically enough, I told him about my experience and hours later Snapchat told me that my ex is a friend suggestion. These apps are always listening.
Happiness
Who?
New Books
In purchasing a book for my sister’s summer reading, I stumbled upon one that has been on my “saved for later” list for quite some time. I think it’s a great choice for the mini quarter life crisis I seem to be having. Necessary Losses by Judith Viorst. Recommended by my therapist years ago and more recently an actress spoke about the book briefly and brought my attention back to it.
If you’ve read the book, what are your thoughts?
Catching up
Since the last time I’ve posted so much has happened.
In July I decided to get vaccinated after months of hesitation. The hesitation wasn’t necessarily from me either I told my mom that I would get the shot with her so she didn’t have to do it alone and I kept my word and waited until she was ready. She was hesitant because of the possible side effects which was understandable. Our first dose of the vaccine didn’t have terrible side effects. Our arms were sore about 3-5 hours after the shot was administered and the following day we had body aches just like we did when we had covid. The second day I was completely fine but mom had swollen lymph nodes for about 3 or 4 days. The second dose usually affects people more than the first but ironically enough we didn’t experience any side effects just minor soreness in our arms but not nearly as bad as the first dose and the soreness didn’t last as long.
I still feel anxiety in crowded places because I don’t want to endure a second bout with covid but I’m thankful for the vaccine and it’s ability to minimize symptoms if I am exposed again.
There’s been so many different opinions about the effectiveness of these vaccines and it’s heartbreaking to see how people are allowing differences in choices to ruin friendships and family dynamics. I’ve posted before about how I’ve handled family and friends who don’t take covid as seriously as I do because of my experience with it and since then it’s only gotten worse. That story in itself deserves its own post though.
I hope y’all are doing well. Remain vigilant and spread love always.
14 years
Thursday the first marked 14 years without Harry. I couldn’t bring myself to jot down my thoughts because the emotions were so raw. My mind asked the same what if questions and the why him questions just as they did the night I got the news. Then today a friend who lost her father on Wednesday sent me this page from a book which I’ll post below. It spoke to my soul in ways I didn’t know I needed. It reminded me that it’s okay to still miss Harry after 14 years. And it reminded me that it’s okay to feel sadness on that day no matter how long it’s been. There’s no wrong way to grieve a loss. The amount of time it takes you to grieve is nothing to be shamed of either.
Quarantine Update
It’s day four and we’re still waiting for test results but there are some clear signs of covid. Yesterday my back was on fire. The same with my mom, today she can barely move. I think despite the aches and pains I’m feeling my main concern isn’t myself but her. I find that I’ve been more anxious when I hear a cough or hear her trying to move from one place to another. If I could bare the symptoms for her I would. I worry because no one knows what to expect.
I’ve also become increasingly angry with family who haven’t reached out yet but know the severity of this virus. What are they waiting for? For someone to be intubated before calling to see how we’re doing? Or to say how they’re thinking of us? I think in these times we need the support of our loved ones more than anything and in what can be the darkest time of our lives we need to know that there are others putting positive vibes out there for us. We need to know that there is a support system we can fall back on when we feel discouraged.
I think when people know what you’re going through and they choose to not reach out those aren’t people we need in our circle. I think one good thing that will come out of this quarantine experience is learning who our true family and friends are. The ones who check in periodically and the ones who offer to help in anyway possible. Hold those people close and take note of those who can’t be bothered.
I understand that this year has been very trying for everyone but if you know you have family exposed or quarantining the least you can do is send your love. It’s the little things that matter the most in these times and that’s all we need to keep a positive attitude.
Breonna Taylor
Today has been emotionally exhausting. The longer the cries for justice go on the deeper the pit in our stomachs become. Terrifying isn’t the word to describe what this country is becoming.
As much as I want to find the words to describe how I’m feeling I just can’t. We always knew the odds of justice were slim but facing the harsh reality is still no easier.
$12 million dollars cannot bring a loved one back from the dead and $12 million dollars cannot justify not charging those responsible for an innocent’s death.
Black lives will always matter. Fairness and equality will always be demanded.
Spread peace. Spread love. Stay safe.
Seasonal
Seasonal depression is more real than people tend to admit. The holiday season is supposed to be filled with joy and a ton of bonding experiences with family and friends. There are gift giving obligations and various dinners and brunches. While that is all good it’s easy to forget that in the midst of that can be severe depression and anxieties are at an all time high.
Not everyone spends this time of the year surrounded by family or friends. Sometimes it’s not that people choose to be alone it’s that it’s their only option. For some this time of the year can be the most dreaded. For some this time of the year is the one time self consciousness is through the roof. For some this time of the year can be a time of mourning and grieving lost loved ones.
If you know someone who has seemed distant during this time be conscious of the fact that emotions are usually at an all time high this time of the year. With all that’s expected everything can easily become overwhelming.
Inadequacy
noun: inadequacy; plural noun: inadequacies
- the state or quality of being inadequate; lack of the quantity or quality required. Incompetence, incapability, unfitness, ineffectiveness, inefficacy, lack of skill, lack of proficiency, ineptness, uselessness, hopelessness, impotence, powerlessness.
As of recently, feelings of personal inadequacy have emerged with an army of discouraging thoughts to go with it. Most days I’ll feel like I’m in a box and the walls are closing in around me. Most days I feel like trash. Most days I feel that’s how others see me as well – trash. Today the feelings are: insignificant, useless, hopeless, confused, ignored, restless, miserable and most importantly misunderstood.
A few hours ago I found myself taking a particular interest in a subject that pertained to someone else. Someone who completely disregards my existence along with others around them (or so it feels). For years these feelings of inadequacy have surrounded me but lately the feelings have grown to be more intense I suppose. I’ve never fought back and I’ve allowed perceptions to be what others want them to be rather than taking a stand for the truth and what is right. I’ve never been the type to care about what people thought or how I was seen through someone else’s eyes. I’ve never fought to clear my name.
My mother always told me it’s not good to not completely care what anyone thinks.
I still don’t care much but with certain individuals it’s hard not to. It’s not even so much that I crave acceptance because I have never been the kind to yearn for being accepted in a group per se, but it’s the fact that attitudes and behaviors steered my way have left me with many questions as to what I have ever done to deserve that.
In my teenage years I spent a lot of time feeling not as important as everyone else. For years those feelings of despair affected how I put myself out there boldly in doing things that I knew for sure wouldn’t get me overlooked, it affected how I went about relationships and even simple friendships. It affected how I acted on social media platforms and one day all the running I did finally caught up to me.
Now that I’m older fast forwarding years into the future I think I’ve done well accepting life for what it is. I’ve grown comfortable with solitude. Now I feel that I’m back to the time in my life where everyone judged before they knew. People assume and accuse and those assumptions and accusations spread like wild fire. A ripple effect if we must label it as such. The difference with this time and the past is I have given people nothing to speculate from. Which has led to the confusion I feel today.
I’m not even sure if it’s speculations or that I am just completely overlooked. Nothing about me appeals to these people. Not even my mere existence. Facing that reality for what it is is depressing for lack of a better term.
These people have the ability to strip me of my sanity and everything I’ve worked for when it comes to my mental health and I refuse to go down without a fight this time.
I will not hold my tongue for anyone.
Reject
As my understanding of certain situations expands I’m starting to realize more and more that some things are more common than I could’ve ever imagined.
In-laws. Conflict with in-laws specifically whether it’s not getting along or not fostering a relationship at all.
How do you handle the scenario where the future in-laws have made zero attempts to foster a relationship despite the continued respect and acknowledgment on your part?
Many say confront the problem head on and in some cases I agree. However, how do you go about that when they deny the feelings of rejection that are projected by their actions?
In this case your partner is not a negative factor because they also feel the rejection and hate it just as much.
Does the partner confront their family or do you confront the family together as a united front?
Have you had enough when you’ve accepted that there may never be a relationship and the situation will eventually be out of sight out of mind? – But would be receptive if there were attempts made.
How do you confront the feelings of fear of bringing children into a situation as such? Or even possibly taking the next committed step in a long term relationship?
Does it affect your feelings towards your partner or is it just you both against the world?
Is it sometimes not necessarily about you but possibly the family’s view on your partner or relationship/lack thereof between them and your partner?
Have they made assumptions about your relationship based on misconceptions from an outside perspective or source?
These situations cause feelings of anxiety, stress, depression, anger, devastation, insecurity, self doubt and a cruel reality.
If you’ve had any bad in-law stories I’d love to hear them and how they turned out.
Making Something Out Of Nothing 