Posted on by V

Gift

Where do I even begin? I have allowed so much time to pass that there’s too much to write, as I often do.

On February 27th, I received a phone call that shook me to my core. It was someone I grew up with who had sadly passed away. Grief and losing loved ones are nothing new to me, but sometimes, for a brief moment, I forget about the pain and loss. This reminder brought me back to the denial/acceptance stage, which felt like a significant step back. Just a few days before her passing, Harrison was constantly on my mind. He would have been 35 on the 24th. I never imagined that the list of young people I know who have passed away would continue to grow. I try to avoid the questions that always seem to come up. Why them? What could’ve been done differently to prevent this?

When we lose someone who had their whole lives ahead of them, the only thing I can do is to remind myself that every day is a gift and nothing short of a miracle.

Since December, I’ve added six aunts to my family tree. They’re all unique, but one of them has taken me under her wing. The others have been nice, but this aunt has a special way of making me feel welcome. We’ve been talking every week since we first met, and she always has something encouraging to say. It’s incredible to have someone who accepts me for who I am. It’s like she’s always been my aunt. I hope I can get to know the others better, but I’m happy with this too. Either way, I’m grateful and okay with this outcome.

Every day is a gift, so let’s make the most of it!

Posted on by V

Grandpa

I hope you’re watching over us today, as you would have been 78 years old. It’s a difficult truth to face—that I never had the chance to meet you. I can’t help but imagine all the moments we could’ve shared, the conversations we could’ve had about our mutual love for music, the fishing trips we could’ve gone on, or the countless boats you might have helped design. I think about the jewelry pieces we would’ve picked out together to add to my collection, and all the ways you could have shaped my life.

Talking to family has made me realize that everyone chose their own path in their relationship with you, but in my heart, I know that distance would never have been a barrier for us. There’s always been a quiet longing for you that’s never gone away. For much of my life, I’ve felt as though a part of me was missing, and it took me time to understand and find my way. But despite that ache, I’m endlessly grateful that I carried a piece of you with me all these years.

Music saved me when nothing else could, pulling me from so many dark places. It’s the thread that’s always bound me to you, even though you were never physically there. If you weren’t my grandpa, I honestly don’t know where I’d be today. You might not have been with me in body, but I’ve always felt your presence in spirit—through the music, the legacy, and the love you unknowingly passed down. For that, I’m forever thankful.

Continue to rest eternally♥️
Posted on by V

14 years

Thursday the first marked 14 years without Harry. I couldn’t bring myself to jot down my thoughts because the emotions were so raw. My mind asked the same what if questions and the why him questions just as they did the night I got the news. Then today a friend who lost her father on Wednesday sent me this page from a book which I’ll post below. It spoke to my soul in ways I didn’t know I needed. It reminded me that it’s okay to still miss Harry after 14 years. And it reminded me that it’s okay to feel sadness on that day no matter how long it’s been. There’s no wrong way to grieve a loss. The amount of time it takes you to grieve is nothing to be shamed of either.

For Harry
Posted on by V

Forever

Today I was watching an episode of One Tree Hill where they talked about how the idea of forever usually scares us as humans and it got me thinking…

The idea of forever has been the most comforting thing to me. I understand why it may be scary for some but for me the idea of forever has been what has kept me going many times. We see forever in so many aspects of life in both deeds and people. I find that in temporary situations that may be horrible to navigate, forever gets me through because I have hope for the future.

The idea of forever is absolute. I take comfort in knowing that there are things I will have continually. People, relationships, deeds committed, memories, dreams, etc.

The idea of spending “forever” with a partner is exhilarating. The same can be said about having a friendship that carry’s on “forever”.. Knowing that the things we do in this life sticks with us forever keeps me in check. It keeps me from living with regrets. It forces me to do right. It keeps me accountable. Having certain memories forever is humbling because sometimes memories are all we’ve got of someone or something we held close to our hearts. Maintaining dreams give us something to work towards or simply just challenges us to never settle.

When things get dark I remind myself that it isn’t forever and roll with it until the sun shines again.

Strange?

Posted on by V

Malcolm

Tiny Desk 2018

September 7th, it’s absolutely crazy that Mac has been gone for two years already today. His death is one of the few celebrity deaths that has had an impact on my outlook on life. Mac Miller’s music has inspired so much in my own life.. this blog being one of them. There’s a Mac song or album for every season. I’m still in awe when I think about the transformation he was going through at the time of his passing. If his life wasn’t cut short I know things would’ve turned out alright for him despite all the demons he carried. I’m thankful for what he gifted the world with during his short life.

Continue to rest eternally, Malcolm.

Posted on by V

13 years

Reflecting on a great soul that we lost on this day 13 years ago. No July 1st is an easy day. Every year this day reminds me of the light this world lost. It reminds me of the night my life flipped upside down. It reminds of the night I questioned so many things about life. This was the first real loss that affected me in an indescribable way. The loss that caused true pain and a pain that it took so long to learn how to live with. That’s the thing when we lose loved ones. There’s not a day that their presence isn’t missed but we remember the good times we had. Sometimes I wish I could have a conversation about life and all the things that have happened since 2007 but it is what is it.

So many terrible things have happened this year, 2020. So many people have lost loved ones during this time. Today a family lays a mother to rest. As if today wasn’t an already terrible day we add another death and another significance to the date. I only pray for comfort and strength. I pray that this family knows that there’s no right way to grieve and there is no time on how long grieving should take.

Harry, the days, well they go by but I always try to grow and move forward. Can only hope I’ve made you proud. I miss you forever.

Posted on by V · 1 Comment

Rocky Start

The year has been off to an interestingly rocky start to say the least. It’s taken quite a bit of time for me to even write down my thoughts because they’ve been so scattered. From Circles being released to Kobe passing there’s been a lot to digest. There’s been a lot of emotions and I just haven’t been able to put them into words.

Emotions of sadness, grief, confusion and peace. Emotions that all have contradicted each other one way or another and emotions that I constantly feel shouldn’t be felt but yet they are.

Circles by Mac was released and it’s still heavy on the rotation. Not because anyone’s depressed but because I feel it grants comfort. After Mac passed there were so many questions and to hear the music he left behind made me feel a sense of comfort knowing I got to hear where his head was at the time of his death. Also because it gives me hope for the way his story would’ve turned out had he had just made it through that night.

Kobe’s passing is a different kind of sadness than I felt when Mac died. Kobe was an inspiration for many athletes whether they played basketball or not. Growing up basketball was an important part of my life. I remember every recess in grades 3rd-8th, I always got the basketball and I would shoot hoops while the other kids played four square and kickball. I didn’t care if I was the only kid shooting hoops or if others wanted to play that day. I wasn’t a loner by any means but my passion for perfecting my shooting skills went farther than my interest in kickball or four square. Years went on and even though I didn’t play the sport on a team anymore I still occasionally shot around in the backyard. Saying all of that to say this, Kobe’s death reignited the love I had for the game. The last couple of weeks I’ve had the urge to pick up a ball and just shoot. The joy every swish brought was and still is like no other.

Kobe’s passing is one that will always feel surreal. But I can say I took one good thing away from the tragic situation and it’s remembering the reasons I devoted every recess to perfecting my shot.

Long live the Mamba.

Posted on by V

Christmas 19

Overall, this Christmas was the best one I’ve had in quite a few years. I’m thankful for the level of understanding that was displayed by members of the family. I’m thankful for the quality time spent. I’m thankful for all the laughter and banter. I feel truly blessed as this year winds down.

This holiday is usually just another one where there are certain family members that are not around either because they are in a different part of the world and couldn’t be present or because of death. While their presence will always be missed a day like today is really one where you just take in everything around you. Appreciate what’s right here and now in front of you. Here’s to hoping someday we’re all in the same geographic location.

I can only hope the ones not here due to death have found peace and are resting easy. While trying to enjoy the moment H you are not forgotten.

Thankful for forgiveness also.. hearing from someone I haven’t spoken to in a long time was unexpected but forgiveness is everything.

Tomorrow the 26th marks four years. How time has passed.. and how things have changed for the better. Cheers.