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Rabbit hole

So much for being brave… 😆

The day I posted that, I got a Reddit notification from the Ancestry DNA subreddit which shot that confidence down. The post said it would’ve been better off if they hadn’t taken the test and found their birth dad. Turns out he completely abandoned the guy at 2 years old and did not die in Vietnam. Raised several other children and was a phenomenal dad.

I think that’s part of my fear as well. I fear being rejected. It’s already slightly happened. One of the half sisters didn’t bother to respond to my message but two did. I think my 1st message could’ve been better though. I was a bit abrupt and insensitive but I think I panicked honestly. I saw the matches and recognized no one and just let impulse take over. I didn’t stop to think how weird this might be for them and I never thought about a scenario where we would be at the mercy of family. Out of the two who responded, only one took the time out to hear me out and give some great advice on this new revelation. She’s the one I share the most DNA with so it’s crazy to think I instantly felt comfortable speaking to her. The other one responded once but nothing since.

Maybe she’s waiting for me to send a message on another social media platform? Maybe she wants nothing to do with more family members popping up? My mind always thinks the worst. It suck’s because until I test my dad it’s just speculation that they are my half aunts.

My gut is telling me I’m right and she’s never usually wrong but I feel this way due to the resemblance of my dad to theirs. Sadly their dad passed away 2 years ago. I found a live stream record of his funeral. While watching it the part where family spoke about their dad all I heard was them describing mine. From personality right down to hobbies. Could it be that my dad was so alike this man who isn’t his biological father or are our suspicions correct in that he is their half brother? What are the odds that my dad looks so much like an uncle rather than his dad? I don’t think I’d share so much DNA with the woman I spoke to the most if their dad was my father’s uncle. Every AI simulation I’ve ran came back that they are my half aunts. No other scenario made sense.

I understand that this would’ve been easier if their father was alive. He could’ve confirmed and been the person introducing us to the family but we missed that chance. Although I’m sad we didn’t get to meet him, it was very comforting hearing all the wonderful things about him and hearing how similar my dad is to him.

We might not have met him but I feel like my dad being similar to him makes up for it.

Whatever the reason was that my dad never knew who he was is no one’s fault. We aren’t upset at him or the family. How can we be? Odds are he had no idea my dad was out there and if he did, well, oh well? We’ll most likely never know but either way we forgive him for being absent. We forgive my grandma for not being forthcoming with the information about my dad’s father. We found out from her brother that the last name we have is from a man she met some months into her pregnancy. He wanted to raise the baby with her but plans fell through before my dad was born and she still gave him the last name knowing it wasn’t his father anyways. We’ve all been young and dumb. Not my grandma’s finest moment but I’m not in a place to judge. My dad was told that the man we thought his father was didn’t want anything to do with him because my grandma didn’t want to marry him at the time. If we had known that his father’s identity was truly unknown I would’ve taken the test years prior. That’s my only regret. It breaks my heart to know that we possibly missed our chance to know a great man. Even if he wasn’t great, just the way his family described him makes me feel like we would’ve loved him.

We don’t want money or anything from the family.. for years I struggled with a sense of identity so for me what I crave is family connection. What my dad craves is the same. I pray we don’t get rejected whenever I have the balls to reach out on insta but like my dad says, we’ll always have each other – no matter what.

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Family Visits

My sister in law and 10 month old niece just got home from Germany less than an hour ago. It’s almost 1am and having them home and meeting the baby for the first time is just remarkable.

She’s so vibrant, full of joy and unlike most babies who cry when meeting strangers she met us without crying. All smiles and excitement. I’m excited to see how much she grows in the month that she’ll be here.

We are blessed to have a little one who reminds us that family is love. Unity brings peace. Although she’s the small human who needs us to survive we all needed her here also.

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One Month

Today according to social media is 6 years since my husband and I have been friends. But this friendsversary was even more special because we also celebrated one month of marriage today. Married life has been great. I feel safe knowing that I have my life partner.

In giving thanks for what I have I can’t help but think about those who long for companionship but don’t have the same luxury that my husband and I have. Wishing everyone longing for their person nothing but love and clarity while your person makes their way to you.

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2022

It’s a new year which means more opportunities for growth and change. Although 2021 was just as turbulent as 2020 a lot of good things happened for me and I hope that’s the same for you. If not, let’s aim to make this year your year as well.

On December 11th I married my best friend. We had an intimate ceremony and I’ve just been on cloud 9 ever since. I feel such relief knowing that I’ve found my life partner and we managed to make it official which just opens so many doors for us and our future. I find that I’ve become more motivated since the wedding. Once upon a time having an actual wedding seemed so far out of reach so getting to experience the day and all the events leading up to that just makes me feel like we can achieve anything we set our minds to even if we just have three months to plan and execute the mission.

The stress I felt planning a wedding in such short amount of time was unlike anything else I’ve felt before but overcoming that just proves that as humans we are so much more resilient than we may think. Through all the planning I leaned on my ability to set boundaries and not overexert myself. When I felt I had given my all I was able to clearly state that and take care of myself and that’s something that I’m proud of because there was a time when I didn’t have the courage to set boundaries and take care of myself above all.

After the wedding was over I turned my brain off so much so that I forgot my luggage for our honeymoon. It literally had not crossed my mind once that we set out on our road trip without any clothes until we got to our destination which will be a great story to tell someday. The car ride was filled with laughter, relief and love. It almost felt like we were driving into our future and nothing we were leaving behind mattered which at the end of the day clothes truly didn’t 😉

Praying that this year is filled with so much adventure, bold opportunities, health and love for everyone.

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Catching up

Since the last time I’ve posted so much has happened.

In July I decided to get vaccinated after months of hesitation. The hesitation wasn’t necessarily from me either I told my mom that I would get the shot with her so she didn’t have to do it alone and I kept my word and waited until she was ready. She was hesitant because of the possible side effects which was understandable. Our first dose of the vaccine didn’t have terrible side effects. Our arms were sore about 3-5 hours after the shot was administered and the following day we had body aches just like we did when we had covid. The second day I was completely fine but mom had swollen lymph nodes for about 3 or 4 days. The second dose usually affects people more than the first but ironically enough we didn’t experience any side effects just minor soreness in our arms but not nearly as bad as the first dose and the soreness didn’t last as long.

I still feel anxiety in crowded places because I don’t want to endure a second bout with covid but I’m thankful for the vaccine and it’s ability to minimize symptoms if I am exposed again.

There’s been so many different opinions about the effectiveness of these vaccines and it’s heartbreaking to see how people are allowing differences in choices to ruin friendships and family dynamics. I’ve posted before about how I’ve handled family and friends who don’t take covid as seriously as I do because of my experience with it and since then it’s only gotten worse. That story in itself deserves its own post though.

I hope y’all are doing well. Remain vigilant and spread love always.

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14 years

Thursday the first marked 14 years without Harry. I couldn’t bring myself to jot down my thoughts because the emotions were so raw. My mind asked the same what if questions and the why him questions just as they did the night I got the news. Then today a friend who lost her father on Wednesday sent me this page from a book which I’ll post below. It spoke to my soul in ways I didn’t know I needed. It reminded me that it’s okay to still miss Harry after 14 years. And it reminded me that it’s okay to feel sadness on that day no matter how long it’s been. There’s no wrong way to grieve a loss. The amount of time it takes you to grieve is nothing to be shamed of either.

For Harry
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Advocate

Life is such a remarkable journey. We learn things about ourselves, others and the world we live in daily.

This week the lesson is that we are our own advocates.

If we don’t advocate for our needs and what we deserve no one else will. Allowing people to treat us in ways that we do not deserve only hurts us at the end of the day. Never allow people to cross a line and not call them out on it because if you let it slide, sadly there will be a second time. Never diminish your self worth to please others. Hold them accountable when they screw you over.

Loving someone does not mean you let them walk all over you repeatedly.

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Remember

Throughout life we will no doubt come across a variety of different people. People on different paths and at different places in their lives. Some people will be a little bit more lost than others in their journeys.

I am someone who is drawn to those who need a little bit more help along the way or a push in the right direction than your average person, but if there’s anything I’ve learned from that it’s that you can’t help those who don’t want to help themselves. You can want the best for someone but if they don’t want the best for themselves it’ll be a never ending cycle. Over time you’ll feel like a broken record extending the same encouragements and guidance just to not have the person committed to accepting the help being provided.

Seeing someone spiral down paths they’ve been down time and time again expecting different results but not changing their behavior is exhausting. So saying this to say that, when you’ve done all you can, said all you can and provided all the resources you can – let yourself off the hook.

None of us can save someone who does not want to be saved.

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Fortunate

If you’re lucky the person you love decides to love you back.

I’m one of those fortunate enough to have someone choosing to love me everyday. While we’re celebrating such a high point in our lives and our engagement I can’t help but think of those who won’t know what this feels like. The excitement of knowing someone wants to be in your company for the rest of their lives. It’s humbling no matter how long you’ve been together.

Tonight, while we all have different comforts I hope that those less fortunate than I am find peace and are comforted in ways that I may not be fortunate enough to experience.

I remember years ago all of my friends were getting married and purchasing homes but I stayed in my lane and worked hard to get where I am today. Many of those friends are now divorced or wish they had known who they were marrying better but, I at least get to say after 5 years with my fiancé there will be no regrets. I’m glad I did not allow my internal clock to push me into the arms of someone not worth of my love or time. I’m glad I learned that my progress should not be compared to others. It doesn’t matter how fast or slow you finish the race the important thing is that you ultimately finish the race.

Someone else’s journey does not diminish your own.

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Cabin Trip

Wine country

Spent a few days out of town this weekend. I find that the only way I’ve survived this last year and my lack of traveling is by taking small weekend trips to these areas surrounded by nature. Areas where I can truly appreciate nature for what it is. As the pandemic rages self care is the only saving grace. Sometimes all we need is just a few days to reset.

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Forever

Today I was watching an episode of One Tree Hill where they talked about how the idea of forever usually scares us as humans and it got me thinking…

The idea of forever has been the most comforting thing to me. I understand why it may be scary for some but for me the idea of forever has been what has kept me going many times. We see forever in so many aspects of life in both deeds and people. I find that in temporary situations that may be horrible to navigate, forever gets me through because I have hope for the future.

The idea of forever is absolute. I take comfort in knowing that there are things I will have continually. People, relationships, deeds committed, memories, dreams, etc.

The idea of spending “forever” with a partner is exhilarating. The same can be said about having a friendship that carry’s on “forever”.. Knowing that the things we do in this life sticks with us forever keeps me in check. It keeps me from living with regrets. It forces me to do right. It keeps me accountable. Having certain memories forever is humbling because sometimes memories are all we’ve got of someone or something we held close to our hearts. Maintaining dreams give us something to work towards or simply just challenges us to never settle.

When things get dark I remind myself that it isn’t forever and roll with it until the sun shines again.

Strange?

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Nice Knowing Ya 2020

This year was by far one of the most trying for many of us. The global pandemic affected us in more ways than we could have ever imagined. I’ve also learned so much about myself this year as well.

In a year where life as we knew it changed overnight one day in March due to lockdowns I found that this year I craved a lot of “normalcy”. I craved the things that felt comfortable and some of that included people who today are no longer the people they were when they represented what was normal to me.

Four years ago one night in December my world changed forever and while then I tried to hold on to the little I could, this year I realized it was time to let go and finally close chapters I kept rewriting in my head. I held on to promises made that were unrealistic. I held on to someone I was so sure would be around through all my adult years.

As time has gone on I’ve realized that this person served their purpose in my life. The story has ended and there’s no way to rewrite it. We played pivotal roles in each other’s lives at one point but we’ve been on different journeys for years now. I guess I was just never ready to truly admit that our promises were naive. The thing is something can cause a bond to exist but eventually that thing is no longer the most important aspect in either of our lives. When that happens we become people that neither of us recognize. The bond grows thin day by day until it no longer exists and that’s life.

So while I craved that sense of comfortability many of these last 365 days I’m leaving that desire in 2020. It’s best I walk away and leave our promise in the year that caused so much pain and loss for many. A lot of people lost loved ones and friends this year due to Covid-19. A lot of people lost jobs due to the pandemic and a lot of small business owners lost their livelihoods. So in a year where people will forever mourn so much I’m choosing to leave this bond here as well.

This year, I can say in the U.S. with over three hundred thousand people dead from Covid-19, I survived it. Six members of my family survived the virus. Many days this year we saw stories of families losing more than one member to the virus but I was fortunate.

I will eternally be grateful for surviving this thing because many were not as lucky. I will always be grateful that no one in my family had to rely on unemployment insurance benefits at any time this year. I will always be grateful for the ability to have helped those in need this year. I’m thankful for love, health, family, friends and financial stability.

May 2021 bring you nothing but joy, peace, and memories that will repair our hearts after such a cruel year. Cheers.🥂

“Oh, it’s better up ahead
The worst is over now
Remember what I said
Live, you don’t have to look back
But if you ever do,
You know where I’m at” – Gavin DeGraw

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Quarantine Day 12

I think at this point it’s safe to say we’re all recovering and doing well. Well, those of us who tested positive the weekend prior to Christmas. Days 7-10 were definitely the worst days and nights but on day 11 there was a drastic change in our energy levels, appetites and over all feeling enduring covid. Today being day 12 has been just as positive. Now it seems the only lingering symptoms are our sense of smell being a little off. We didn’t lose it but boy has that changed. A lot of foods have a weird odor I’m not necessarily sure how to describe it but it’s not great. At first I speculated that it was the cheese on pizza and lasagna but then we had spaghetti and it was the same – no cheese.. then we had subs and there was the smell again. I’m hoping that this goes away soon because it does sometimes cause a nauseous feeling. My mom can’t stand the smell of Lysol, so that’s fun. We also have a slight lingering cough but gradually that is less often as the days go by. The two who tested positive last are going through more emotional side effects. There’s some depression due to the isolation and the time period that the isolation is taking place but besides feeling a little off there are no major reports of symptoms so that is always a plus. Oh, and the family member who had the worst case is now home and out of the hospital just two days shy of the two week mark since we found out he had covid. He was sent home with an oxygen tank but the fact that he’s home is an improvement.