When we love someone often times we give then second chances. Giving someone a second chance is a risk and more of a gamble than most will admit. It’s risking what some may say is the inevitable – no change. They say if someone truly loves you they’ll do what it takes to make it work, right? When do you walk away if they don’t? Everyone knows love doesn’t come with an on and off button. How do you force your heart and mind to meet in the middle?
Forgive
I’m not one to hold grudges but I never forget what was done even if I’ve forgiven a person. Sometimes forgiveness may come across as weakness but I think being able to forgive 70×7 is the ultimate revenge. When we forgive unthinkable situations those who have wronged us will always wonder why. It’s important to keep people at arms length as well. I may forgive easily but I will never make the mistake of trusting someone who betrayed me once. Play your cards right always.
Wasted Time
It’s 3am and although I want to say today because I haven’t slept yet it’s truly yesterday that this took place.
I learned that an acquaintance and his wife have divorced. It is one of those things that just catch you off guard. They were the couple I would say was considered “goals”. They were the couple I admired more than anything. I found out one side of the reason behind the decision but for some reason I just can’t wrap my mind around it nor is it my place to I guess but, I can’t help it. When I think of marriage to me it’s a commitment. A commitment that should last a lifetime unless there’s infidelity, abuse or other extreme circumstances.
Love is kind, love suffers long, endures all things, isn’t easily puffed up, etc etc.
What has me stumped I guess is not understanding how a person can move on so easily as if a marriage meant nothing. How can a person bounce back so quickly if they truly love the person? I don’t want to seem biased in the situation but I know that I’m not the kind of person to bounce back easily. I know that when I love someone that’s not something that can be turned off and that’s not something that goes away over night either.
I guess, I’m saying all of this to say that when I am married I would hope that if my husband was not happy he would communicate that and exhaust all other options to fix our issue before deciding the world is more enticing or more appealing than my love. I admire the marriages that last through heartaches and pains. The marriages that push what it means to love and forgive to the limit and still make it through stronger than before.
I aspire to have a love like my grandparents’. The one where we are a team and that dynamic never changes. The one where we make every decision together, the one where we always show a united front, the one where there are no secrets. The one where we fall in love more and more with each other each day.
Love isn’t always fair. Someone in most cases always ends up with the short end of the stick but when love is experienced with honesty, understanding and compassion it’s unlike anything else we’ll ever experience. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with someone who feels the same. I pray that I marry someone who wants to spend forever and a day by my side even on my worst days. Someone who believes marriage is as sacred and meaningful as I do.
My worst fear is that I’ll give my heart to someone who will wake up one day after years of life together and decide they don’t love me anymore and would rather experience the world without me. My fear is wasting my time.
4/19
Ten years ago this date held great meaning. In the most recent years this date is one I dread an awful lot. Looking back, the disappointment in the outcome is definitely my fault. I think from the beginning I had an unrealistic expectation of how things would remain in tact forever. Things never stay the same though. We went from what I thought would’ve been a life long friendship to one that barely exists. Adjusting to that change has been painful if we’re being real. I went from having someone I knew I could count on to not knowing if reaching out is even worth it anymore. Conversations are minimal at best. The purpose that the friendship served has ran its course. Accepting that has been difficult nonetheless.
I feel that I’ll always be here if I’m ever needed but I have a feeling I’ll never be needed.
Despite everything, I still wish good things for the future. I still send positive vibes that way. Always have and always will. Cheers to 28.
For now
The thing about hesitation is that in just a second opportunity can pass us by. Sometimes we’re faced with choices and we hesitate. Sometimes only to wish we had acted sooner later on down the road.
Sometimes we’re blinded by the thoughts of what could be that we miss what is happening in front of our eyes. Someone who makes you question your standards is not someone who should be apart of your life. Someone who makes you feel at fault for standing your ground shouldn’t be apart of your life. Someone who chooses to ignore you when you don’t do exactly what they say isn’t someone who should be apart of your life. They’ll claim it’s not because you rejected having them dictate your actions but we both know it is deep down. Behaviors change but there’s consistency if that makes sense. Take note of the changes and when they occur and you’ll know what someone’s true intentions are for you. Don’t be fooled. There are wolves in sheep’s clothing. If they can’t respect your wishes without switching up fuck ‘em. They don’t deserve to be apart of your life.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Live unapologetically always. Stay true to you always.
Murphy pt2
Not everyone gets lucky enough to find someone who also loves them despite all the superficial BS. We deserve it yes but there are times when just because we love someone it doesn’t mean we end up ever being with them romantically. Sometimes you can be so sure a person is your soulmate but life’s circumstances just never allow it to go beyond the feeling you get in your gut. The sad thing about that though is that the feelings never go away. In time you learn to live with it, live despite of it, and even live loving others but there will always be the part that holds on to the love felt for the one you never had. In some ways that love may inspire new loves. Sometimes people see others in someone and settle, sometimes it’s the thing we compare others to and decide based on that whether they’re worth giving our hearts to and sometimes we don’t truly give our heart to anyone else at all. Love has so many outcomes. Many good and many bad. Everyone experience the different facets of love one way or another so no matter what the circumstances are we’re never alone in how love makes us feel. There’s always someone who can relate.
Analyzing
“You over analyze things” – undeniably so. We go from not wanting parts of someone without having all of them to realizing that maybe having parts of someone is better than not having any parts of them at all. Interesting how in just a few short weeks the mindset has changed knowingly or unknowingly.
Thank others for choosing to stay – somehow it should mean a great lot. In friendships and everything beyond that.
Actions Speak
Actions speak louder than words. People make time for who they want to make time for. No one is ever too busy to text back or check in one you occasionally. If you’re important to them these things will come naturally. It won’t feel like you require a lot of attention. You won’t be tasked with wondering if you’re a burden/annoyance or whatever. Remember.
Just saying
50/50 is bullshit. Someone is always expected to give more of themselves. Don’t be fooled.
Good Mystery
Everyone loves a good mystery. Is it possible to be infatuated by intrigue? I would like to believe so but sometimes I just feel too far into my thoughts.
Many people are naturally fascinated or intrigued by a proverbial stranger. Lack of knowledge about a person allows our imagination to run wild.
Our own perception can be the most dangerous part I feel. This is so because our perception may allow us to look at a person and their actions in a more favorable light than deserved. People keep secrets for many reasons. One being avoiding commitment or becoming entangled emotionally. Ironically though, the tactics people use to avoid intimacy are typically the driving forces in what makes them more desirable.
Mysterious strangers prefer to focus on the physical and keep relationships as casual as possible rather than incorporating sexual partners into their everyday lives.
It’s important to be aware of these mysterious strangers. It’s important to be cautious and not allow the unknown to cloud our vision. Secrets stand in the way of so many things. The upside to that though is that some people are secretive not because they are living double lives or are unfaithful but because of insecurities and even fear of rejection. People are also not as forthcoming with information they feel will cast them into a bad light.
Either way, in these situations only time will tell whether the mystery was worth getting sucked into or not.
Work trips
P and I were in Jersey for 3 days and normally business trips are chaotic or so they feel with the new city and drastic change in day to day routines. This trip was different. I felt good about everything that happened. I feel that we’re making progress for the first time. It’s one thing to be able to spend time with someone and truly find value in the time spent and it’s another thing to feel burdened by the person’s presence.
Something’s changing. I feel more safe. I feel valued and appreciated just a little bit more than I did before.
Everyday we learn to adapt more and more to one another and I know if the foundation is solid longevity is guaranteed.
Keep pushing
I’ve started to accept the reality of a situation I’m in and while it’s definitely sobering I can’t say I’m too happy with how I’m feeling. It’s so hard deciding against what your heart is telling you to do sometimes. Stuck between wanting to follow my heart but knowing I should be rational or so much goes on the line.
They say fool me once shame on you but fool me twice shame on me. I’m a firm believer in once something happens twice that shouldn’t have happened the first time it then evolves from a mistake to a choice. We so easily fall into the trap of constant forgiving and giving chances after chances and it takes courage to stand up and say no more even it if goes against every fiber in your body at the time.
Knowing your worth is important. Never compromise or lose sight of that for anyone or anything. Don’t get lost in the idea of what could be so much that you overlook what’s right in front of you.
Soft Answer
Whenever I’m barked at by anyone I tend to retreat within myself and I stay there for long periods of time. Something about getting yelled at just makes me feel so small and essentially unloved. They say love is not easily puffed up but that seems to be the only kind of love I’ve known.
Does that mean I have yet to experience true love?
When it’s reoccurring is it then a choice to make me feel small?
Sometimes I don’t feel I deserve that no matter what I may or may not have done and that’s where I’m wrestling with myself. Do I stay or do I seek out greener grass?
It’s hard to cope with emotional and verbal abuse. They know it’s not easy but they’ll point out not knowing how or why you stay.
The answer is because I’m fucking stupid that’s why or how I stay. My stupidity will only keep me here for so long though. After awhile when I’m fed up nothing will hold me. It’s to a point where I am fed up to an extent but there’s still a small light beam of hope that’s slowly growing dim. When that goes out completely there will be no going back.
I’m a lot more delicate than one may assume.
John Mayer
John Mayer is one of my all time favorite artists. His music has gotten me through certain periods of my life and they’ll forever hold a special place in my heart. Tonight he opened his summer tour in town and it got me thinking. Initially I was invited to go to the concert with an ex because John played an important role in both our lives. He was one of the first things we bonded over and being musicians also there were lots of John Mayer covers needless to say.
It got me thinking about why people don’t think it’s appropriate to stay friends with exes under any circumstances. For me personally, I think it’s possible and I don’t understand having to cut exes off because it didn’t work out romantically. Some of my exes I was friends with years before the friendship evolved into something intimate. It’s unfortunate to have to lose the friend aspect when it ends especially after long relationships (3+ years). I think if both people can come to terms with why they didn’t work out romantically but why a friendship is better it’s fine to continue having a friendship after the fact. Most people think if you’re friends with an ex it means you’re not over them romantically and I’ve always disagreed. Sometimes we spend years with someone and there’s an understanding that develops that just never diminishes. An understanding formed based on an emotional connection rather than a physical one.
Now because this ex is now married I didn’t feel it was appropriate to third wheel because his wife feels exes cannot just be friends and everyone’s entitled to their own opinions🥶
Not everyone leaves a relationship still cherishing the understandings and the memories made. Not every relationship ends on good terms so I know it’s not always possible to salvage a friendship but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being friends if both people can be adults about moving forward as such.
Sociopaths
Today an acquaintance came to me with an issue. Hours later I’m still replaying the conversation in my head. I’m not quite sure how I became the person she confides in the most but I am honored.
Not to should shallow but people like her are the reasons I pursued a career in this crazy field. In a way, I’m glad my counselor traits extend beyond an office.
Anyways, my conversation with her got me thinking. When two people are in a relationship why is it that they feel the need to guilt the other party into staying with them after they’ve fucked up?
It’s almost sociopathic in a way. No? One consciously makes a choice to disregard the relationship but then plays the victim? Why are humans like this?
Has anyone thought about the emotional toll that shit takes on a person? Does the person doing the guilt tripping do it because they know the other is weak minded?
It’s pretty pathetic if you ask me.
What are your thoughts?
Making Something Out Of Nothing 