Well, we did it…

Sunday December 8th, moments before I walked into church I received an e-mail that my dad’s Ancestry DNA Results were in. The results did not come as a surprise. However, I can’t help but feel as if I’m grieving. We won’t ever get answers straight from my grandfather but the details are no longer relevant. No one is to blame except unfortunate circumstances.

The four women I had matched with who were listed as possible half aunts/first cousins show up for my dad as half siblings. The other possibility does not make sense because it has already been confirmed that all of these women are half siblings themselves.

Months ago I came across pictures of the man who was their father and I instantly saw my dad looking back at me through him. In that moment my heart sunk at the thought that we missed our chance to know what seemed to be a great man. Anything we know of him moving forward will be through someone else’s lens. It’ll be through their perceptions and perspectives of the person he was. It breaks my heart to know that he is not here to welcome us into his family. I can’t imagine a world where he would not want to get to know us so I’m trying to keep my thoughts on the positive side.

My dad is relieved we finally have the answers we’ve been waiting for since May but I felt his sadness when we realized his father has truly passed. How dare we mourn a man we have never met? Typical us. I pray that whatever comes our way from here that God holds us in the hallow palm of his hands. I pray for comfort. I pray for peace and clarity.

We don’t have high expectations because we know the key piece of our story is not here to play the role of introducing us to the family but I truly hope at least one person wants to get to know us. We’ve spent years yearning for some sort of family connection and I hope we get to experience the good side of finding long lost family. On Reddit, I’ve read so many horror stories of families not wanting anything to do with new family members they find on the Ancestry portal and the fear of rejection has crippled me for months so I waited until I had my dads results to be sure. Now that I have his results, both he and my older brother are looking to me to reach out to someone and that is a lot to shoulder. I pray I don’t get left on read when I do work up the courage to send a message.

We don’t expect the family to want to make up for lost time. We’re all adults – strangers who share DNA. Their father’s passing is still recent so who knows what this could mean to them.

Throughout my young adolescent years, I struggled with self identity and seeking validation in all the wrong places. I feel this situation has tested years of therapy because I feel like I’m 14 again. Praying we are accepted, praying we don’t bring harm to this family, praying that this is a new beginning.

When I got home from church and sat in my car thinking about how much today is a monumental day, I saw two cardinal birds playing on a branch right by the car. I’m not superstitious by any means but I couldn’t help but feel they were our guardian angels. The grandfather I have never met coming to say hello.

No matter what the outcome of this is, my dad and brothers and I will always have each other. I will absolutely be a little hurt but life goes on. I opened this door when I submitted my test so this is my burden to shoulder if we are rejected.

I’m scared of saying the wrong thing and coming off as insensitive. I’m scared I’ve gotten my hopes up and my expectations will be my downfall. You’d think my counseling skills would make this less scary for me but nope.

Before I try to connect with anyone, I need to come to terms with the possibility of rejection so I don’t need years of therapy to work through being blindsided by an unfavorable outcome.

Here’s to family.