I spent months losing my mind for nothing. As always, making something out of nothing.
I finally reached out to my father’s paternal family and it went so much better than I could’ve ever imagined. I think I spent so much time worrying about what if things went wrong that I did not remember to think about what if they went right.. what a day it has been. I can’t thank God enough for coming through for us on this.
Well, we did it…
Sunday December 8th, moments before I walked into church I received an e-mail that my dad’s Ancestry DNA Results were in. The results did not come as a surprise. However, I can’t help but feel as if I’m grieving. We won’t ever get answers straight from my grandfather but the details are no longer relevant. No one is to blame except unfortunate circumstances.
The four women I had matched with who were listed as possible half aunts/first cousins show up for my dad as half siblings. The other possibility does not make sense because it has already been confirmed that all of these women are half siblings themselves.
Months ago I came across pictures of the man who was their father and I instantly saw my dad looking back at me through him. In that moment my heart sunk at the thought that we missed our chance to know what seemed to be a great man. Anything we know of him moving forward will be through someone else’s lens. It’ll be through their perceptions and perspectives of the person he was. It breaks my heart to know that he is not here to welcome us into his family. I can’t imagine a world where he would not want to get to know us so I’m trying to keep my thoughts on the positive side.
My dad is relieved we finally have the answers we’ve been waiting for since May but I felt his sadness when we realized his father has truly passed. How dare we mourn a man we have never met? Typical us. I pray that whatever comes our way from here that God holds us in the hallow palm of his hands. I pray for comfort. I pray for peace and clarity.
We don’t have high expectations because we know the key piece of our story is not here to play the role of introducing us to the family but I truly hope at least one person wants to get to know us. We’ve spent years yearning for some sort of family connection and I hope we get to experience the good side of finding long lost family. On Reddit, I’ve read so many horror stories of families not wanting anything to do with new family members they find on the Ancestry portal and the fear of rejection has crippled me for months so I waited until I had my dads results to be sure. Now that I have his results, both he and my older brother are looking to me to reach out to someone and that is a lot to shoulder. I pray I don’t get left on read when I do work up the courage to send a message.
We don’t expect the family to want to make up for lost time. We’re all adults – strangers who share DNA. Their father’s passing is still recent so who knows what this could mean to them.
Throughout my young adolescent years, I struggled with self identity and seeking validation in all the wrong places. I feel this situation has tested years of therapy because I feel like I’m 14 again. Praying we are accepted, praying we don’t bring harm to this family, praying that this is a new beginning.
When I got home from church and sat in my car thinking about how much today is a monumental day, I saw two cardinal birds playing on a branch right by the car. I’m not superstitious by any means but I couldn’t help but feel they were our guardian angels. The grandfather I have never met coming to say hello.
No matter what the outcome of this is, my dad and brothers and I will always have each other. I will absolutely be a little hurt but life goes on. I opened this door when I submitted my test so this is my burden to shoulder if we are rejected.
I’m scared of saying the wrong thing and coming off as insensitive. I’m scared I’ve gotten my hopes up and my expectations will be my downfall. You’d think my counseling skills would make this less scary for me but nope.
Before I try to connect with anyone, I need to come to terms with the possibility of rejection so I don’t need years of therapy to work through being blindsided by an unfavorable outcome.
Here’s to family.
Up until this point symptoms were kind of extremely mild in everyone. Yesterday we had two more positive tests amongst the family so that was another blow to the emotional side of fighting covid. So far everyone still has mild symptoms but now it’s really starting to feel like our bodies are fighting an illness. I must’ve slept for 12 hours last night alone and have been in bed most of today. My body is extremely achey as well which could be from being in bed for so long or covid. I’ve also been congested and have been for about 3 days now. The first two days I was sneezing a lot but now it’s just a congestion. The 8 year old is still her regular self minus a cough every two hours or so which she claims is not a cough but a clearing of her throat. LOL. My mom as of last night has started to feel a little shortness of breath so she’s also trying to take it easy. She still has the back pain which isn’t as bad as it was days 3-5. The first positive person ended up back in the ER the night of day 6 due to ongoing coughs which prevented him from being able to breathe. We’ve since learned that he has covid pneumonia so we’re worried but trying to not worry too much because we don’t want to hinder our own recoveries. He says the hospital conditions are tough.. he hasn’t showered in a few days and there’s no hot water on the hospital ward. I’m not sure how there’s no hot water but obviously that may not be the hospital’s number one priority at this time.
I figured by now we’d be feeling a little better considering we all coasted through the first week of quarantining but I may be wrong. I have a feeling the last two positive cases were positive the time I tested but a nurse refused to test them and I stand firm in my argument that she was wrong for that. They work amongst children and other teachers and I’m not sure why they wouldn’t want to confirm a case so others can be made aware of exposure. Especially because the children they work with are children of doctors and nurses and those who work in the major hospital in our area.
In times like these I understand not wanting to waste a test but I think those who work with our health care workers should get testing no matter how minimal the exposure because there’s such a trickle down effect if they’re positive. If one of the last two positives didn’t start experiencing loss of smell they would’ve continued to take that nurse’s advice and gone to work as instructed and gone about their lives. One of them has severe asthma so I’m praying that their symptoms are not more severe than what I’m feeling.
Praying that things start to look up over the next few days. Trying to stay hydrated, trying to force food down although there’s 0 appetite at times. It’s weird because that comes in waves. Sometimes I’ll be hungry and other times there’s just no desire for food. I’ve noticed the same with my mom. The 8 year old not so much we had family drop off Christmas goodies and she’s eating as long as we put food before her.
Thankful it’s not more severe. Thankful no one else is hospitalized. Thankful for those praying and reaching out and doing all they can to support us through this tough time.
Overall, this Christmas was the best one I’ve had in quite a few years. I’m thankful for the level of understanding that was displayed by members of the family. I’m thankful for the quality time spent. I’m thankful for all the laughter and banter. I feel truly blessed as this year winds down.
This holiday is usually just another one where there are certain family members that are not around either because they are in a different part of the world and couldn’t be present or because of death. While their presence will always be missed a day like today is really one where you just take in everything around you. Appreciate what’s right here and now in front of you. Here’s to hoping someday we’re all in the same geographic location.
I can only hope the ones not here due to death have found peace and are resting easy. While trying to enjoy the moment H you are not forgotten.
Thankful for forgiveness also.. hearing from someone I haven’t spoken to in a long time was unexpected but forgiveness is everything.
Tomorrow the 26th marks four years. How time has passed.. and how things have changed for the better. Cheers.
Making Something Out Of Nothing 