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Grandpa

I hope you’re watching over us today, as you would have been 78 years old. It’s a difficult truth to face—that I never had the chance to meet you. I can’t help but imagine all the moments we could’ve shared, the conversations we could’ve had about our mutual love for music, the fishing trips we could’ve gone on, or the countless boats you might have helped design. I think about the jewelry pieces we would’ve picked out together to add to my collection, and all the ways you could have shaped my life.

Talking to family has made me realize that everyone chose their own path in their relationship with you, but in my heart, I know that distance would never have been a barrier for us. There’s always been a quiet longing for you that’s never gone away. For much of my life, I’ve felt as though a part of me was missing, and it took me time to understand and find my way. But despite that ache, I’m endlessly grateful that I carried a piece of you with me all these years.

Music saved me when nothing else could, pulling me from so many dark places. It’s the thread that’s always bound me to you, even though you were never physically there. If you weren’t my grandpa, I honestly don’t know where I’d be today. You might not have been with me in body, but I’ve always felt your presence in spirit—through the music, the legacy, and the love you unknowingly passed down. For that, I’m forever thankful.

Continue to rest eternally♥️
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Cabo

It’s been a week since we got back from Cabo and I’m just finally feeling like myself again. We had a thirty hour travel journey home and it was brutal.

Although it’s a journey to and from Cabo, the town stole my heart. I can’t wait to go back for more than an extended weekend. I loved that we got to support mom and pop restaurants. We ate breakfast at the same spot everyday and I’m glad we decided to go off the tourist path. The locals were amongst some of the friendliest I’ve met. We also had some of the best coffee we’ve ever had too. That was the last thing we expected to rave about when we got home but the family who operates the restaurant should be proud of their hard work.

So far 30 has been good to me. Today I unlocked a new level of production at work and that’s a huge accomplishment. Since I’ve been back production has skyrocketed and I’m only trying to keep the momentum going. We spent Saturday and Sunday afternoon with my in-laws. Lately, steak dinners and a Netflix movie has been our thing. In three weeks my sister in law and niece will be here to visit from Germany and we’re excited. We haven’t seen them since Christmas and the baby has gotten so big. It’s cool having family all over but it awful when you feel like you’re missing crucial moments of their lives. Still grateful for all the time we get though. Some people don’t even get that much.

Aiming to make the 30’s my glass half full decade.

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30

All in all my birthday was a good day. It’s 18 minutes after 9pm and I’m wiped. I love vacations because I enjoy sitting outside taking in my surroundings. I enjoy sitting and admiring God’s handy work. It brings so much needed clarity. Grateful I’ve been blessed with life and health to enjoy this monumental age.

Italian Porketta – Salvatore G’s, Cabo San Lucas
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Moth

12:12am

It’s been a long week and what felt like it should have been Friday was only Thursday. On a positive note, I had a white moth inside my house earlier. It followed me inside somehow and while I’m not necessarily superstitious, it’s said that moths are seen as a sign of good luck. They’re even seen as guardian angels in some cultures. Cool, isn’t it?

As my birthday creeps up it was giving reassurance as these young kids say😭. And for those who have to google most lingos like myself, it means it gives off a certain vibe, exhibits certain qualities, or impression.

Reassurance that everything’s going to be alright. I know everything is working out for my good. I’m forever trusting the process.

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Breaking Barriers

Despite all the losses/missed opportunities in my 20’s the biggest thing I’ve gained was definitely a better relationship with my in-laws all round. The dynamic has shifted in a way I only saw possible in my dreams – if we’re being real. My husband joked that nothing has changed I’ve just accepted their corkiness but there has definitely been a change. We are all more relaxed together, we watch movies and cry together. We have dinner almost every other Saturday now which is awesome and I’m so thankful. I can finally be myself with them without feeling anxious or that I’m being judged to an extent. I could’ve been all in my head back then but either way I’m just glad we’ve been able to overcome those barriers.

I dreaded the idea of having bad in laws forever but “hashtag” look at God.

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Closing In

Thirty is closing in faster than the speed of lightning it seems. As I approach this pivotal age, I can’t help but look back at what a wild journey it has been. I think back at all the aspirations I had even before my twenties began and how life has aligned the way she sees best. Ha! Okay, maybe not how she sees best, because essentially it’s just the ripple effect. Choices that were made, failures that were endured, loves that were lost (whether that has been romantically, friendships and platonic loves), and massive accomplishments along the way.

Every time I look back, which may damn well be more often than many people, I always credit my favorite teacher for steering me in the right direction in those crucial developmental years. Only God knows what paths I would’ve found myself strolling down if she hadn’t listened. She retired a few days ago and I wish I had the courage to tell her that I love her. It may seem strange to some, but you just have to know what someone saved you from to understand. I’ve always been careful to never skew any boundaries, so it’s always gone unsaid to an extent.

In periods of identity crises, she was the only person who made me feel heard and seen. My family was still new to this country, adults were occupied with starting careers and the everyday household responsibilities. Having a person like her kept me out of the spiral of teen pregnancies, drugs, juvenile delinquency, etc. I remember her classroom being my safe place during school hours. She had multiple during my time there but my favorite was one she had at the end of the hall and I believe there was a blue couch, maybe it was red, but she shared the room with two other teachers mainly separated by furniture but it was still the best place to be. That room remained my safe space even after I graduated. Every time I went back to visit, which was at least once a week back then, her room was the one I bolted for.

Never underestimate the power of listening. Sometimes all someone needs is someone to simply listen.

I’ve learned so many lessons and I’m still learning.

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14 years

Thursday the first marked 14 years without Harry. I couldn’t bring myself to jot down my thoughts because the emotions were so raw. My mind asked the same what if questions and the why him questions just as they did the night I got the news. Then today a friend who lost her father on Wednesday sent me this page from a book which I’ll post below. It spoke to my soul in ways I didn’t know I needed. It reminded me that it’s okay to still miss Harry after 14 years. And it reminded me that it’s okay to feel sadness on that day no matter how long it’s been. There’s no wrong way to grieve a loss. The amount of time it takes you to grieve is nothing to be shamed of either.

For Harry
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27th Earth Strong

Today I turned 27 years old. I’m blessed no doubt to live to see this day. There’s so many that I know who’ve passed and didn’t make it to 27. In times like these where there’s so much death around us it’s a blessing to live to see another chapter. I’m grateful to have spent the day with my significant other. We didn’t do much but that’s never a problem as long as he’s by my side.

You know you’re officially an adult when your birthday wishes no longer primarily come through social media but rather direct text messages and phone calls. Thankful for all those near and far who took the time out to wish me health and happiness today.

Thank you Jesus. My wish is that the 27th chapter be filled with blessings, good news, an infinite amount of love and grace.

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4/19

Ten years ago this date held great meaning. In the most recent years this date is one I dread an awful lot. Looking back, the disappointment in the outcome is definitely my fault. I think from the beginning I had an unrealistic expectation of how things would remain in tact forever. Things never stay the same though. We went from what I thought would’ve been a life long friendship to one that barely exists. Adjusting to that change has been painful if we’re being real. I went from having someone I knew I could count on to not knowing if reaching out is even worth it anymore. Conversations are minimal at best. The purpose that the friendship served has ran its course. Accepting that has been difficult nonetheless.

I feel that I’ll always be here if I’m ever needed but I have a feeling I’ll never be needed.

Despite everything, I still wish good things for the future. I still send positive vibes that way. Always have and always will. Cheers to 28.

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Happy 56th

Today would’ve been the legendary Whitney Houston’s 56th birthday. While taking some time today to truly appreciate her music and legacy I stumbled upon something she said that really was the reassurance I needed today.

The quote is “my mother taught me that when you stand in the truth and someone tells a lie about you, don’t fight it”. ☝️

A few images of this forever icon. She should still be here.

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1/4 down

The first 25 years of my life have been interesting to say the least. I’ve learned a lot about myself, life, people and the world I live in. There were a lot of dark periods but I’ve always managed to come out on top in time. I’m blessed to be closing this chapter on a positive note. My mindset is healthier than it’s ever been and for that I’m grateful. Here’s to year 26!

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High maintenance

Today I realized that I’m not as high maintenance as I used to be. I cited getting older and feeling like getting my nails, brows, lashes etc done religiously is just too much work. I cited being young and not having much to do with my time. I cited being comfortable in my relationship. I cited friends moving or starting families. At the end of the day, I guess it truly comes down to the motives behind why I did all of those things.

As it turns out, I’ve learned over the years to love myself just the way I am. I don’t get fussy when it comes to my appearance as much as I used to. Not that I’ve let myself go or anything along those lines but that there are more important things I spend my time on while still having me time.

As this is my last full week living in this quarter century year of my life I’ve been doing a lot of self reflecting. I feel like I do that enough but as my birthday creeps up next week I’ve got lots on my mind.

I spoke to my dad today. He’s doing well and so are my brothers. He’s getting a boat back on the ocean and I’m excited for that. I wish I was spending my birthday on his boat on a small secluded island like we used to when I was a kid. Some memories will always be my favorite.