We’re all more alike than we’d ever imagine. We all battle similar obstacles and go through the same phases of life. The major difference is that some of us can put on a better show for the crowd. The ones who can’t wear their hearts on their sleeves. Others are hard to read.
“It ain’t always what it seems when you look happy” is often life’s melody.
Reminder: you may not win the battle but God has already won the war.
Music speaks to us in so many ways.
“Though it tried to break me down I’m still here and I’m standing.”
“God my protector, with me forever.. he got my back.”
Simple reminders keep me grounded.
Tomorrow – well today because it’s 12:19am? will be two weeks since my husbands been home while I work. The first week was filled with stress and anxiety but this week we’ve been able to embrace the time together. I work from home so it’s been great having someone here to distract me and have lunch with. Still remaining hopeful although there’s been no update on when he can return to work from his employer. Trusting God to work this one out for our good. He’s got our back😉
12:12am
It’s been a long week and what felt like it should have been Friday was only Thursday. On a positive note, I had a white moth inside my house earlier. It followed me inside somehow and while I’m not necessarily superstitious, it’s said that moths are seen as a sign of good luck. They’re even seen as guardian angels in some cultures. Cool, isn’t it?
As my birthday creeps up it was giving reassurance as these young kids say😭. And for those who have to google most lingos like myself, it means it gives off a certain vibe, exhibits certain qualities, or impression.
Reassurance that everything’s going to be alright. I know everything is working out for my good. I’m forever trusting the process.
Despite all the losses/missed opportunities in my 20’s the biggest thing I’ve gained was definitely a better relationship with my in-laws all round. The dynamic has shifted in a way I only saw possible in my dreams – if we’re being real. My husband joked that nothing has changed I’ve just accepted their corkiness but there has definitely been a change. We are all more relaxed together, we watch movies and cry together. We have dinner almost every other Saturday now which is awesome and I’m so thankful. I can finally be myself with them without feeling anxious or that I’m being judged to an extent. I could’ve been all in my head back then but either way I’m just glad we’ve been able to overcome those barriers.
I dreaded the idea of having bad in laws forever but “hashtag” look at God.
In purchasing a book for my sister’s summer reading, I stumbled upon one that has been on my “saved for later” list for quite some time. I think it’s a great choice for the mini quarter life crisis I seem to be having. Necessary Losses by Judith Viorst. Recommended by my therapist years ago and more recently an actress spoke about the book briefly and brought my attention back to it.
If you’ve read the book, what are your thoughts?
Saturday my little sister took part in a drama club production. It was more special than I could’ve imagined. My sister did great for it being her first theater project. I felt like Regina George’s mom in Mean Girls recording every scene she was in. My husband attended the performance with me and I found myself leaning over time and time again whispering “this will be our lives some day”. Attending multiple school functions a week, feeling proudness beam from our faces, chitchatting with teachers who are very much my seniors, etc.
Ironically, my sister attends the same small village elementary school I attended when I was her age. Which means there are some teachers there who have also taught myself and nurtured my emotional development.
At the end of the performance it was announced that the teacher who took part in the play is also retiring at the end of the school year. Hearing that made me feel a tremendous amount of gratitude. I felt like I was on a high the rest of the day and the days following. As I watched her recite her lines it brought back memories of sitting in her classroom sometimes just the two of us, other times with 2-3 other students and her reading books to us in some of the same tones she used during the play. Looking back, it made reading enjoyable although I did not appreciate it then.
If my memories serves me correctly, I was in the 5th grade when that same teacher essentially changed my life for the better. In many ways she saved me. In the years to come she remained someone I felt safe with. Someone who always listened and encouraged me. At a time when I didn’t want to share certain aspects of my life with my parents, I always had her.
After transitioning to high school I prioritized going back to my elementary school just to sit in her classroom and tell her about my new experiences. She was no longer my teacher but she never once told me that my coming was inappropriate or too much or not necessary. I love her for that. In times when I felt lost in the crowd she made me feel seen.
Now that she’s retiring, I’m grateful that my sister is the last of us at that school and that my sister got to experience how remarkable she is as well. My sister may not understand why I’ve told her since kindergarten that this teacher was my favorite but she knows she’s special to me. I’m grateful my husband got to meet her after years of me mentioning her at pivotal moments in our lives. I genuinely think him meeting her brought us closer.
Seven years together, he’s met all the important family and friends but this was the first time he was face to face with the woman I still hold close to my heart. Leading up to them meeting I was anxious. I joked that this was his second “meeting the parents” but I didn’t know how emotional it would’ve made me after analyzing the fact that she’s retiring and how I most likely wouldn’t have met my husband if she didn’t save me from myself way back when.
As an adult I’ve always been mindful of boundaries and ensuring that boundaries are not crossed. With that, I have kept communication with her to a minimum but I’ve always yearned for more. There’s been times I’ve needed advice and instead of reaching out I convinced myself that it may not be appropriate considering I didn’t want to seem pushy or desperate, if we must. It’s most likely bullshit as I’m always in my head but I hope that with her retirement it opens the opportunity for us to see each other more and communicate more overall.
I pray that her retirement is purely because she’s simply had enough and not because her health won’t allow her to continue.
My sister in law and 10 month old niece just got home from Germany less than an hour ago. It’s almost 1am and having them home and meeting the baby for the first time is just remarkable.
She’s so vibrant, full of joy and unlike most babies who cry when meeting strangers she met us without crying. All smiles and excitement. I’m excited to see how much she grows in the month that she’ll be here.
We are blessed to have a little one who reminds us that family is love. Unity brings peace. Although she’s the small human who needs us to survive we all needed her here also.
Since the last time I’ve posted so much has happened.
In July I decided to get vaccinated after months of hesitation. The hesitation wasn’t necessarily from me either I told my mom that I would get the shot with her so she didn’t have to do it alone and I kept my word and waited until she was ready. She was hesitant because of the possible side effects which was understandable. Our first dose of the vaccine didn’t have terrible side effects. Our arms were sore about 3-5 hours after the shot was administered and the following day we had body aches just like we did when we had covid. The second day I was completely fine but mom had swollen lymph nodes for about 3 or 4 days. The second dose usually affects people more than the first but ironically enough we didn’t experience any side effects just minor soreness in our arms but not nearly as bad as the first dose and the soreness didn’t last as long.
I still feel anxiety in crowded places because I don’t want to endure a second bout with covid but I’m thankful for the vaccine and it’s ability to minimize symptoms if I am exposed again.
There’s been so many different opinions about the effectiveness of these vaccines and it’s heartbreaking to see how people are allowing differences in choices to ruin friendships and family dynamics. I’ve posted before about how I’ve handled family and friends who don’t take covid as seriously as I do because of my experience with it and since then it’s only gotten worse. That story in itself deserves its own post though.
I hope y’all are doing well. Remain vigilant and spread love always.
Thursday the first marked 14 years without Harry. I couldn’t bring myself to jot down my thoughts because the emotions were so raw. My mind asked the same what if questions and the why him questions just as they did the night I got the news. Then today a friend who lost her father on Wednesday sent me this page from a book which I’ll post below. It spoke to my soul in ways I didn’t know I needed. It reminded me that it’s okay to still miss Harry after 14 years. And it reminded me that it’s okay to feel sadness on that day no matter how long it’s been. There’s no wrong way to grieve a loss. The amount of time it takes you to grieve is nothing to be shamed of either.
Life is such a remarkable journey. We learn things about ourselves, others and the world we live in daily.
This week the lesson is that we are our own advocates.
If we don’t advocate for our needs and what we deserve no one else will. Allowing people to treat us in ways that we do not deserve only hurts us at the end of the day. Never allow people to cross a line and not call them out on it because if you let it slide, sadly there will be a second time. Never diminish your self worth to please others. Hold them accountable when they screw you over.
Loving someone does not mean you let them walk all over you repeatedly.
It’s been three months since I’ve had COVID and the thing I’m still dealing with is the changes to my menstrual cycle. I’ve noticed these changes since the month of January but I never thought that COVID could’ve been a factor until now. Usually small changes are normal but when these changes continued to occur that’s when I started to worry. After some research it’s fairly evident that COVID has changed my cycle in length, intensity of symptoms and even the flow. For me seeing so many women reporting the same issues or noticing the same changes caused my anxiety to spike just a little. I think the thing that has gotten me with this virus the most since the beginning is the unknown. No one can say for sure how this virus affects our bodies especially long term. It seems to be different from person to person and I think a lot of that contributes to why there’s still so much to learn about the virus. Along with these lingering changes I’m finding that as those around me seem more relaxed about COVID that also triggers my anxiety. I’m at a point where I hear of others getting it twice and I certainly do not want to go through that experience again. The experience was terrible enough the first time and I wouldn’t hold my breath at a second infection being any better than the first if not worst. I’m not sure if having experienced it is the reason why I still don’t take it lightly but it’s hard communicating my concerns because they’re so easily dismissed. There’s a sense of feeling that those around me feel that because a year has passed and they’re fine still not adhering to recommended guidelines they don’t need to take it seriously. I know that everyone is entitled to their own feelings about this pandemic and the vaccinations in general but it’s difficult to not feel betrayed by the lack of concern when it is people as close as family and friends. I think the safest thing for me personally is to keep my bubble small and be mindful of who I allow around me in that sense. I don’t think I’m living in fear at this point because I’m a lot more social this year than I was last year this time but I just think that it’s best for me to continue doing what I’m doing to avoid a second infection as much as possible.
Today I was watching an episode of One Tree Hill where they talked about how the idea of forever usually scares us as humans and it got me thinking…
The idea of forever has been the most comforting thing to me. I understand why it may be scary for some but for me the idea of forever has been what has kept me going many times. We see forever in so many aspects of life in both deeds and people. I find that in temporary situations that may be horrible to navigate, forever gets me through because I have hope for the future.
The idea of forever is absolute. I take comfort in knowing that there are things I will have continually. People, relationships, deeds committed, memories, dreams, etc.
The idea of spending “forever” with a partner is exhilarating. The same can be said about having a friendship that carry’s on “forever”.. Knowing that the things we do in this life sticks with us forever keeps me in check. It keeps me from living with regrets. It forces me to do right. It keeps me accountable. Having certain memories forever is humbling because sometimes memories are all we’ve got of someone or something we held close to our hearts. Maintaining dreams give us something to work towards or simply just challenges us to never settle.
When things get dark I remind myself that it isn’t forever and roll with it until the sun shines again.
Strange?
This year was by far one of the most trying for many of us. The global pandemic affected us in more ways than we could have ever imagined. I’ve also learned so much about myself this year as well.
In a year where life as we knew it changed overnight one day in March due to lockdowns I found that this year I craved a lot of “normalcy”. I craved the things that felt comfortable and some of that included people who today are no longer the people they were when they represented what was normal to me.
Four years ago one night in December my world changed forever and while then I tried to hold on to the little I could, this year I realized it was time to let go and finally close chapters I kept rewriting in my head. I held on to promises made that were unrealistic. I held on to someone I was so sure would be around through all my adult years.
As time has gone on I’ve realized that this person served their purpose in my life. The story has ended and there’s no way to rewrite it. We played pivotal roles in each other’s lives at one point but we’ve been on different journeys for years now. I guess I was just never ready to truly admit that our promises were naive. The thing is something can cause a bond to exist but eventually that thing is no longer the most important aspect in either of our lives. When that happens we become people that neither of us recognize. The bond grows thin day by day until it no longer exists and that’s life.
So while I craved that sense of comfortability many of these last 365 days I’m leaving that desire in 2020. It’s best I walk away and leave our promise in the year that caused so much pain and loss for many. A lot of people lost loved ones and friends this year due to Covid-19. A lot of people lost jobs due to the pandemic and a lot of small business owners lost their livelihoods. So in a year where people will forever mourn so much I’m choosing to leave this bond here as well.
This year, I can say in the U.S. with over three hundred thousand people dead from Covid-19, I survived it. Six members of my family survived the virus. Many days this year we saw stories of families losing more than one member to the virus but I was fortunate.
I will eternally be grateful for surviving this thing because many were not as lucky. I will always be grateful that no one in my family had to rely on unemployment insurance benefits at any time this year. I will always be grateful for the ability to have helped those in need this year. I’m thankful for love, health, family, friends and financial stability.
May 2021 bring you nothing but joy, peace, and memories that will repair our hearts after such a cruel year. Cheers.🥂
“Oh, it’s better up ahead
The worst is over now
Remember what I said
Live, you don’t have to look back
But if you ever do,
You know where I’m at” – Gavin DeGraw
Making Something Out Of Nothing 