Some days will forever be embedded in our memory. The subconscious will never allow us to forget.
Catching up
Since the last time I’ve posted so much has happened.
In July I decided to get vaccinated after months of hesitation. The hesitation wasn’t necessarily from me either I told my mom that I would get the shot with her so she didn’t have to do it alone and I kept my word and waited until she was ready. She was hesitant because of the possible side effects which was understandable. Our first dose of the vaccine didn’t have terrible side effects. Our arms were sore about 3-5 hours after the shot was administered and the following day we had body aches just like we did when we had covid. The second day I was completely fine but mom had swollen lymph nodes for about 3 or 4 days. The second dose usually affects people more than the first but ironically enough we didn’t experience any side effects just minor soreness in our arms but not nearly as bad as the first dose and the soreness didn’t last as long.
I still feel anxiety in crowded places because I don’t want to endure a second bout with covid but I’m thankful for the vaccine and it’s ability to minimize symptoms if I am exposed again.
There’s been so many different opinions about the effectiveness of these vaccines and it’s heartbreaking to see how people are allowing differences in choices to ruin friendships and family dynamics. I’ve posted before about how I’ve handled family and friends who don’t take covid as seriously as I do because of my experience with it and since then it’s only gotten worse. That story in itself deserves its own post though.
I hope y’all are doing well. Remain vigilant and spread love always.
14 years
Thursday the first marked 14 years without Harry. I couldn’t bring myself to jot down my thoughts because the emotions were so raw. My mind asked the same what if questions and the why him questions just as they did the night I got the news. Then today a friend who lost her father on Wednesday sent me this page from a book which I’ll post below. It spoke to my soul in ways I didn’t know I needed. It reminded me that it’s okay to still miss Harry after 14 years. And it reminded me that it’s okay to feel sadness on that day no matter how long it’s been. There’s no wrong way to grieve a loss. The amount of time it takes you to grieve is nothing to be shamed of either.
Nice Knowing Ya 2020
This year was by far one of the most trying for many of us. The global pandemic affected us in more ways than we could have ever imagined. I’ve also learned so much about myself this year as well.
In a year where life as we knew it changed overnight one day in March due to lockdowns I found that this year I craved a lot of “normalcy”. I craved the things that felt comfortable and some of that included people who today are no longer the people they were when they represented what was normal to me.
Four years ago one night in December my world changed forever and while then I tried to hold on to the little I could, this year I realized it was time to let go and finally close chapters I kept rewriting in my head. I held on to promises made that were unrealistic. I held on to someone I was so sure would be around through all my adult years.
As time has gone on I’ve realized that this person served their purpose in my life. The story has ended and there’s no way to rewrite it. We played pivotal roles in each other’s lives at one point but we’ve been on different journeys for years now. I guess I was just never ready to truly admit that our promises were naive. The thing is something can cause a bond to exist but eventually that thing is no longer the most important aspect in either of our lives. When that happens we become people that neither of us recognize. The bond grows thin day by day until it no longer exists and that’s life.
So while I craved that sense of comfortability many of these last 365 days I’m leaving that desire in 2020. It’s best I walk away and leave our promise in the year that caused so much pain and loss for many. A lot of people lost loved ones and friends this year due to Covid-19. A lot of people lost jobs due to the pandemic and a lot of small business owners lost their livelihoods. So in a year where people will forever mourn so much I’m choosing to leave this bond here as well.
This year, I can say in the U.S. with over three hundred thousand people dead from Covid-19, I survived it. Six members of my family survived the virus. Many days this year we saw stories of families losing more than one member to the virus but I was fortunate.
I will eternally be grateful for surviving this thing because many were not as lucky. I will always be grateful that no one in my family had to rely on unemployment insurance benefits at any time this year. I will always be grateful for the ability to have helped those in need this year. I’m thankful for love, health, family, friends and financial stability.
May 2021 bring you nothing but joy, peace, and memories that will repair our hearts after such a cruel year. Cheers.🥂
“Oh, it’s better up ahead
The worst is over now
Remember what I said
Live, you don’t have to look back
But if you ever do,
You know where I’m at” – Gavin DeGraw
Rekindle
There’s that saying that says if it’s meant to be it will be. It’s been on my mind a bit lately. We drift from people and that could be a combination of friends and family but sometimes we have an opportunity to pull the pieces back together and reconnect and that can never be taken for granted. Sometimes you can jump right back into where things left off but other times you wade through a bit of knee deep water before things feel like they’re back to what they were. Essentially, years go by and people change but even with that it’s still possible to rekindle a friendship. There are those rare cases when so much time has passed that rekindling a friendship just isn’t worth the effort. Not necessarily saying there are ill intentions or bad blood but we’re just on different paths and going in different directions. The key is being prepared for either one of those outcomes regardless of what you really want.
Heartbreak
There are various types of heartbreaks…
Inadequacy
noun: inadequacy; plural noun: inadequacies
- the state or quality of being inadequate; lack of the quantity or quality required. Incompetence, incapability, unfitness, ineffectiveness, inefficacy, lack of skill, lack of proficiency, ineptness, uselessness, hopelessness, impotence, powerlessness.
As of recently, feelings of personal inadequacy have emerged with an army of discouraging thoughts to go with it. Most days I’ll feel like I’m in a box and the walls are closing in around me. Most days I feel like trash. Most days I feel that’s how others see me as well – trash. Today the feelings are: insignificant, useless, hopeless, confused, ignored, restless, miserable and most importantly misunderstood.
A few hours ago I found myself taking a particular interest in a subject that pertained to someone else. Someone who completely disregards my existence along with others around them (or so it feels). For years these feelings of inadequacy have surrounded me but lately the feelings have grown to be more intense I suppose. I’ve never fought back and I’ve allowed perceptions to be what others want them to be rather than taking a stand for the truth and what is right. I’ve never been the type to care about what people thought or how I was seen through someone else’s eyes. I’ve never fought to clear my name.
My mother always told me it’s not good to not completely care what anyone thinks.
I still don’t care much but with certain individuals it’s hard not to. It’s not even so much that I crave acceptance because I have never been the kind to yearn for being accepted in a group per se, but it’s the fact that attitudes and behaviors steered my way have left me with many questions as to what I have ever done to deserve that.
In my teenage years I spent a lot of time feeling not as important as everyone else. For years those feelings of despair affected how I put myself out there boldly in doing things that I knew for sure wouldn’t get me overlooked, it affected how I went about relationships and even simple friendships. It affected how I acted on social media platforms and one day all the running I did finally caught up to me.
Now that I’m older fast forwarding years into the future I think I’ve done well accepting life for what it is. I’ve grown comfortable with solitude. Now I feel that I’m back to the time in my life where everyone judged before they knew. People assume and accuse and those assumptions and accusations spread like wild fire. A ripple effect if we must label it as such. The difference with this time and the past is I have given people nothing to speculate from. Which has led to the confusion I feel today.
I’m not even sure if it’s speculations or that I am just completely overlooked. Nothing about me appeals to these people. Not even my mere existence. Facing that reality for what it is is depressing for lack of a better term.
These people have the ability to strip me of my sanity and everything I’ve worked for when it comes to my mental health and I refuse to go down without a fight this time.
I will not hold my tongue for anyone.
Making Something Out Of Nothing 