No matter how strong you are everyone needs someone to lean on at some point in their lives. There are some people who have many shoulders to lean on and there are others who only hope of just having one. Sometimes we luck out and find that shoulder. Sometimes we have to suck it up and be our own shoulder.
Reminder
Just a reminder to trust your journey. It’s so easy to compare our accomplishments to those around us but no two people walk the same path in this thing called life. What’s meant for you will find its way to you. Someone else’s season may not be your season but your time will come. Have faith, stay hopeful, stay hydrated.
Happiness
Happiness may have a dictionary definition but what defines happiness ultimately varies individually. Happiness for some can be playing or watching a sport, it can be shopping for another, it can be eating certain foods, it can be visiting specific parts of the world, it can be receiving compliments, it can be having specific people in your atmosphere. The list goes on as happiness is one of those things that we can say is infinite.
For me happiness is feeling a sense of security. Happiness is being understood and in sync with my surroundings. For me happiness is simplicity.
What’s happiness for you?
Cabin Trip
When the time comes
When we love someone often times we give then second chances. Giving someone a second chance is a risk and more of a gamble than most will admit. It’s risking what some may say is the inevitable – no change. They say if someone truly loves you they’ll do what it takes to make it work, right? When do you walk away if they don’t? Everyone knows love doesn’t come with an on and off button. How do you force your heart and mind to meet in the middle?
27th Earth Strong
Today I turned 27 years old. I’m blessed no doubt to live to see this day. There’s so many that I know who’ve passed and didn’t make it to 27. In times like these where there’s so much death around us it’s a blessing to live to see another chapter. I’m grateful to have spent the day with my significant other. We didn’t do much but that’s never a problem as long as he’s by my side.
You know you’re officially an adult when your birthday wishes no longer primarily come through social media but rather direct text messages and phone calls. Thankful for all those near and far who took the time out to wish me health and happiness today.
Thank you Jesus. My wish is that the 27th chapter be filled with blessings, good news, an infinite amount of love and grace.
Forgive
I’m not one to hold grudges but I never forget what was done even if I’ve forgiven a person. Sometimes forgiveness may come across as weakness but I think being able to forgive 70×7 is the ultimate revenge. When we forgive unthinkable situations those who have wronged us will always wonder why. It’s important to keep people at arms length as well. I may forgive easily but I will never make the mistake of trusting someone who betrayed me once. Play your cards right always.
Trust
“Trust is a difficult thing, whether it’s finding the right people to trust.. Or trusting the right people will do the wrong thing. But trusting your heart is the riskiest thing of all. In the end, the only person we can truly trust is ourself.” -Emily Thorne
Last weekend I trusted someone with some information that was exposed to too many people. It was information that caused my character to be questioned and that really hurt me. Sometimes we say things that we don’t exactly mean and without explanation it looks a lot worse on paper than what was really intended. I spent the entire weekend sulking but through it all I’ve learned that the only person I can truly trust is myself. 2020 has been a year of lessons no doubt and I’m grateful for all the bad and good experiences the same.
Moral of the story is, when you know who you are as a person never let anyone’s doubts cause you to doubt yourself. Stay true to you always.
Wasted Time
It’s 3am and although I want to say today because I haven’t slept yet it’s truly yesterday that this took place.
I learned that an acquaintance and his wife have divorced. It is one of those things that just catch you off guard. They were the couple I would say was considered “goals”. They were the couple I admired more than anything. I found out one side of the reason behind the decision but for some reason I just can’t wrap my mind around it nor is it my place to I guess but, I can’t help it. When I think of marriage to me it’s a commitment. A commitment that should last a lifetime unless there’s infidelity, abuse or other extreme circumstances.
Love is kind, love suffers long, endures all things, isn’t easily puffed up, etc etc.
What has me stumped I guess is not understanding how a person can move on so easily as if a marriage meant nothing. How can a person bounce back so quickly if they truly love the person? I don’t want to seem biased in the situation but I know that I’m not the kind of person to bounce back easily. I know that when I love someone that’s not something that can be turned off and that’s not something that goes away over night either.
I guess, I’m saying all of this to say that when I am married I would hope that if my husband was not happy he would communicate that and exhaust all other options to fix our issue before deciding the world is more enticing or more appealing than my love. I admire the marriages that last through heartaches and pains. The marriages that push what it means to love and forgive to the limit and still make it through stronger than before.
I aspire to have a love like my grandparents’. The one where we are a team and that dynamic never changes. The one where we make every decision together, the one where we always show a united front, the one where there are no secrets. The one where we fall in love more and more with each other each day.
Love isn’t always fair. Someone in most cases always ends up with the short end of the stick but when love is experienced with honesty, understanding and compassion it’s unlike anything else we’ll ever experience. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with someone who feels the same. I pray that I marry someone who wants to spend forever and a day by my side even on my worst days. Someone who believes marriage is as sacred and meaningful as I do.
My worst fear is that I’ll give my heart to someone who will wake up one day after years of life together and decide they don’t love me anymore and would rather experience the world without me. My fear is wasting my time.
13 years
Reflecting on a great soul that we lost on this day 13 years ago. No July 1st is an easy day. Every year this day reminds me of the light this world lost. It reminds me of the night my life flipped upside down. It reminds of the night I questioned so many things about life. This was the first real loss that affected me in an indescribable way. The loss that caused true pain and a pain that it took so long to learn how to live with. That’s the thing when we lose loved ones. There’s not a day that their presence isn’t missed but we remember the good times we had. Sometimes I wish I could have a conversation about life and all the things that have happened since 2007 but it is what is it.
So many terrible things have happened this year, 2020. So many people have lost loved ones during this time. Today a family lays a mother to rest. As if today wasn’t an already terrible day we add another death and another significance to the date. I only pray for comfort and strength. I pray that this family knows that there’s no right way to grieve and there is no time on how long grieving should take.
Harry, the days, well they go by but I always try to grow and move forward. Can only hope I’ve made you proud. I miss you forever.
I Can’t Breathe
Again it’s been awhile. I’ve noticed that sometimes I avoid writing because there’s so much I would like to get down but I just never know where to begin. So much has happened over the last few months and it’s been overwhelming, emotionally and physically. With covid-19 still being a threat and George Floyd losing his life due to police brutality and the aftermath of that my mind has been so cumbered. While still being cautious I’ve been asking myself a lot lately how I can contribute to change amongst the black community. As everyone knows there have been protests that have escalated into riots and two weeks ago when the President tweeted that when the looting starts the shooting starts I was shaken to my core. I’ll share something I posted on another social media outlet just because it sums up how I’ve been feeling the last couple of weeks. The initial anger and fear is not nearly as high as it was when I posted this but this unfortunate event opened my eyes to see so many different thought processes on the issue of racism and the biases in this country.
This cause needs whites and other ethnicities and races not considered minorities to stand with those oppressed. Some of the most influential people in my life are people who looked at me and felt I deserved a little extra love. If we were all kind to one another in that sense this world would be a better place.
“And instead of pushing for immediate arrest of the four officers he decided shooting black people is the best option. If you are more upset with the fires, looting etc opposed to the officers STILL not being charged kindly delete yourself from my page. And if you can’t understand the level of tiredness, anger, fear, distrust etc etc etc that is felt across the black community then please also delete yourself and save your comments for someone else. If these officers were charged we wouldn’t be seeing the situation we’re seeing now – how about you all criticize that. Save the fight this with love comments, save the MLK references, save the violence solves nothing comments, save the not all officers are bad comments too. If you have 1000 good cops and 10 bad cops and the good cops see their colleagues engaging in racist behavior and do nothing, you have 1010 bad cops. When you feel your back is against a wall and there are no other options it defaults to this. When black people constantly have to worry about their fathers, brothers, sons, daughters, mothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, nephews, nieces, grandparents, spouses, friends etc think about the emotional toll that must take when this continues year after year with no change. Y’all harp on mental health so much but people like me see an officer and instantly our hearts start to race and breathing gets heavy because of the continuous ANXIETY felt because of these situations. (Driving next to a trooper last night only the grace of God kept my hands from shaking off the wheel because of the instant fear I felt while he drove along side me in the next lane purposely NOT driving the speed limit to see who would pass him). How many of you have had to sit your children down and explain that because of the COLOR of their skin they are a potential target or can easily be the reason for the next BLM protest even while complying? Check your privilege the next time you want to say the behavior is uncalled for or even think it. Many of you are silent on these issues and I SEE YOU. Your silence speaks volumes so don’t think you’re just “staying out of it”. How many of you criticizers are prepared to stand up for people of color when you see these injustices occurring in everyday life? You say don’t record – intervene but while we intervene we’ll end up dead too. You privileged folks can intervene knowing guns won’t be drawn and instantly fired we don’t have that peace of mind. Understand, empathize, use your privilege for good. If you feel situations can be handled differently JOIN the cause, share your thoughts in a way that will bring about the change you claim you want to see for people of color, otherwise stay in your lane. If you’re a family member or close friend and you are offended by this post please feel free to express your opinion privately. If you’re not an ally you’re an enemy.
These tests aren’t 100% accurate but the results will get you thinking/talking one way or another.
https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/“
Hope y’all are staying mentally sane and healthy through all of this as I’m trying to do the same. As states start relaxing their social distancing rules stay vigilant.
4/19
Ten years ago this date held great meaning. In the most recent years this date is one I dread an awful lot. Looking back, the disappointment in the outcome is definitely my fault. I think from the beginning I had an unrealistic expectation of how things would remain in tact forever. Things never stay the same though. We went from what I thought would’ve been a life long friendship to one that barely exists. Adjusting to that change has been painful if we’re being real. I went from having someone I knew I could count on to not knowing if reaching out is even worth it anymore. Conversations are minimal at best. The purpose that the friendship served has ran its course. Accepting that has been difficult nonetheless.
I feel that I’ll always be here if I’m ever needed but I have a feeling I’ll never be needed.
Despite everything, I still wish good things for the future. I still send positive vibes that way. Always have and always will. Cheers to 28.
For now
The thing about hesitation is that in just a second opportunity can pass us by. Sometimes we’re faced with choices and we hesitate. Sometimes only to wish we had acted sooner later on down the road.
Sometimes we’re blinded by the thoughts of what could be that we miss what is happening in front of our eyes. Someone who makes you question your standards is not someone who should be apart of your life. Someone who makes you feel at fault for standing your ground shouldn’t be apart of your life. Someone who chooses to ignore you when you don’t do exactly what they say isn’t someone who should be apart of your life. They’ll claim it’s not because you rejected having them dictate your actions but we both know it is deep down. Behaviors change but there’s consistency if that makes sense. Take note of the changes and when they occur and you’ll know what someone’s true intentions are for you. Don’t be fooled. There are wolves in sheep’s clothing. If they can’t respect your wishes without switching up fuck ‘em. They don’t deserve to be apart of your life.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Live unapologetically always. Stay true to you always.
Murphy pt2
Not everyone gets lucky enough to find someone who also loves them despite all the superficial BS. We deserve it yes but there are times when just because we love someone it doesn’t mean we end up ever being with them romantically. Sometimes you can be so sure a person is your soulmate but life’s circumstances just never allow it to go beyond the feeling you get in your gut. The sad thing about that though is that the feelings never go away. In time you learn to live with it, live despite of it, and even live loving others but there will always be the part that holds on to the love felt for the one you never had. In some ways that love may inspire new loves. Sometimes people see others in someone and settle, sometimes it’s the thing we compare others to and decide based on that whether they’re worth giving our hearts to and sometimes we don’t truly give our heart to anyone else at all. Love has so many outcomes. Many good and many bad. Everyone experience the different facets of love one way or another so no matter what the circumstances are we’re never alone in how love makes us feel. There’s always someone who can relate.
Murphy
The show that has been getting me through Covid-19 is surprisingly The Good Doctor. The most recent episode I’ve seen caused my thoughts to stray just a little bit. Just as a quick overview, the protagonist has autism but despite that he’s a brilliant surgeon. He’s navigating through different aspects of life, learning to communicate better, love better, listen better, etc. He falls in love with a girl who ultimately doesn’t love him in a romantic way because of his autism. That drives Murphy insane to an extent. He became obsessed with showing her he was capable of being her boyfriend despite his limitations.
Saying all of that to say this, he did not feel that he was enough. It’s insane how unfair love can seem at times. We can’t help who we love and it’s always a gamble because what if the person you love doesn’t love you back? We spend so much time fighting what seem like inadequacies that we miss the important lessons in life. Whether we feel we lack qualities someone’s looking for or if we’re simply just out of their league everyone deserves to be loved minus all the superficial things.
Making Something Out Of Nothing 