The holiday season is supposed to be filled with joy, love and family. It’s easy to lose sight of that on top of all the rituals and obligations that we may feel we have to participate in. Seeing family and friends that I haven’t seen much throughout the year has my anxieties on the max level today. I fear the unknown you could say. Not knowing how those at this gathering will react seeing me for the first time in months. Not knowing if they’ll understand the distance and my reasoning for loving my solitude. Not knowing if I’ll be judged for the amount of time I can manage to be there for emotionally. All of these things make it seem so much easier to stay home and protect my mental space. With that option though comes the awkward tensions on the true day of the holiday and no one understanding why protecting my mental space is so important. Families can think that it’s good to be gathered together but while it’s good for most there are people like me who honestly would rather do nothing at all. It slightly annoys me that at this time no one can wish that people do what is the best thing for them. We may not understand why but I think that family should be supportive of whatever another member needs in order to be healthy, in order to get through the holidays and in order to enjoy the holiday season however they choose. People don’t seem to be aware of how much harm the obligations and traditions can do to a person’s mental health and here’s to hoping for holiday seasons that aren’t filled with a ton of pressure in the future.
Phony
- not genuine; fraudulent.
It’s not always obvious when people do not have your best interest in mind. When someone’s ill-intentions are made clear personally, my brain opts to sever ties. I find it hard to allow someone to be apart of my life knowing that they do not have my best interest at heart. I’ve gotten to a stage in life where I strive to surround myself with people who genuinely want the best for me. People who share common interests, mutual goals and a ton of positivity. I find it not beneficial for my mental health to be surrounded by anything other than that. When I’m in a situation that makes me feel that I may not be surrounded by people 100% in my corner my anxiety is usually through the roof. Being a Leo, I have the tendency to never take people off my shit list once they’ve found themselves on it. To me, if you’re not a friend or have my best interest at heart you’re an enemy or someone I need to watch my back with at all times and that never changes.
Seasonal
Seasonal depression is more real than people tend to admit. The holiday season is supposed to be filled with joy and a ton of bonding experiences with family and friends. There are gift giving obligations and various dinners and brunches. While that is all good it’s easy to forget that in the midst of that can be severe depression and anxieties are at an all time high.
Not everyone spends this time of the year surrounded by family or friends. Sometimes it’s not that people choose to be alone it’s that it’s their only option. For some this time of the year can be the most dreaded. For some this time of the year is the one time self consciousness is through the roof. For some this time of the year can be a time of mourning and grieving lost loved ones.
If you know someone who has seemed distant during this time be conscious of the fact that emotions are usually at an all time high this time of the year. With all that’s expected everything can easily become overwhelming.
Work trips
P and I were in Jersey for 3 days and normally business trips are chaotic or so they feel with the new city and drastic change in day to day routines. This trip was different. I felt good about everything that happened. I feel that we’re making progress for the first time. It’s one thing to be able to spend time with someone and truly find value in the time spent and it’s another thing to feel burdened by the person’s presence.
Something’s changing. I feel more safe. I feel valued and appreciated just a little bit more than I did before.
Everyday we learn to adapt more and more to one another and I know if the foundation is solid longevity is guaranteed.
Breakdown
Today I had a mental break down you could say. And at work at that too… I found out that there were going to be some drastic changes and while change is not necessarily bad this entire year has been about change especially at work for me. A person can only bend so much before they break. I was told that the reason the company is so reliant on me is because I’m great at what I do. For many that would be a compliment but I don’t do my job well for recognition. I do my job well because I take pride in things that are a product of my efforts. I feel I’ve been picking up everyone’s slack and I can’t keep doing that without risking a burn out. My question to management was when do we start holding employees accountable for their actions or lack thereof? It’s not that I’m doing great work because there isn’t much to it but it’s just that I care. Not everyone naturally cares or takes pride in their work but if there’s no standard and accountability how do we know if people are giving it their all? Today I marched into our human capital office and basically told Kelly I’m handing in my badge and never coming back. In that moment I was absolutely ready to resign on the spot and I still feel I would’ve followed through with it had they not have called a meeting and allowed me to voice my concerns and respect my decision to decline the change they’re trying to push. I’ve never felt so overwhelmed to the point of putting my grievances on record but today I feel it was for the best. Hopefully this means I can continue to go into work and do my job and go home when the day’s tasks are complete.
I’m learning to say no and speak up for what I need to maintain my sanity and I don’t regret that. No job is worth compromising my sanity.
Keep pushing
I’ve started to accept the reality of a situation I’m in and while it’s definitely sobering I can’t say I’m too happy with how I’m feeling. It’s so hard deciding against what your heart is telling you to do sometimes. Stuck between wanting to follow my heart but knowing I should be rational or so much goes on the line.
They say fool me once shame on you but fool me twice shame on me. I’m a firm believer in once something happens twice that shouldn’t have happened the first time it then evolves from a mistake to a choice. We so easily fall into the trap of constant forgiving and giving chances after chances and it takes courage to stand up and say no more even it if goes against every fiber in your body at the time.
Knowing your worth is important. Never compromise or lose sight of that for anyone or anything. Don’t get lost in the idea of what could be so much that you overlook what’s right in front of you.
Soft Answer
Whenever I’m barked at by anyone I tend to retreat within myself and I stay there for long periods of time. Something about getting yelled at just makes me feel so small and essentially unloved. They say love is not easily puffed up but that seems to be the only kind of love I’ve known.
Does that mean I have yet to experience true love?
When it’s reoccurring is it then a choice to make me feel small?
Sometimes I don’t feel I deserve that no matter what I may or may not have done and that’s where I’m wrestling with myself. Do I stay or do I seek out greener grass?
It’s hard to cope with emotional and verbal abuse. They know it’s not easy but they’ll point out not knowing how or why you stay.
The answer is because I’m fucking stupid that’s why or how I stay. My stupidity will only keep me here for so long though. After awhile when I’m fed up nothing will hold me. It’s to a point where I am fed up to an extent but there’s still a small light beam of hope that’s slowly growing dim. When that goes out completely there will be no going back.
I’m a lot more delicate than one may assume.
Grief
Grief hits us in waves. Mourning and fighting through grief is not simply black and white. It’s not as easy as just not thinking about the loss or getting over it. Don’t let anyone dictate how you should grieve and mourn a loss. Whether it be loss of a loved one, loss of a friend or friendship, and in general loss of anything that filled a void. We heal on our own terms. Some losses take longer to heal than others and that’s also perfectly normal and perfectly okay. We always need time to truly adjust to a new reality. That’s also okay.
Heartbreak
There are various types of heartbreaks…
Real World
Social norms
Social norms can make us feel like we’re trapped in a box. Social norms are what society dictates to be normal.
Who says what society says is normal is normal for everyone?
There are so any pressures that come with wanting to fit a mold or thinking you’re supposed to fit in a certain mold at a specific time in your life. Life is about finding our own mold. Creating and doing whatever makes us happy. It’s easy to feel like an outcast or the odd man out when you’re the only one going down the path you’re on but at the end of the day it truly doesn’t matter what others think or what it appears to be in the eyes of others because if you’re happy that’s all that matters.
Most situations require sacrifices. We sacrifice things today so that tomorrow is better. So that the future is better. Despite the sacrifices though, there’s always hope for the future.
Dare to be different. Dare to live life on your own terms and no one else’s.
Being so secure in my solitude sometimes I forget that not everyone enjoys solitude. Not everyone sees the benefits of enjoying their own company..
See what I’m on
It’s been quite sometime since I’ve taken the time to write down my thoughts.
In the last couple months so much has happened to be honest. My relationship with the in laws have drastically shifted. There’s dialogue – all I’ve ever wanted.
One thing I’ve also realized over the last couple months is that we must speak up about our needs especially if they are not being met. I’m thinking that if P never said anything we would be right where we were before. Sometimes it just takes communication to resolve issues. Sometimes it takes more effort and time.
Redemption
It’s a great feeling when someone puts everything on the line to stand up for you and what they know is right.
Today ended like this: when you’ve said what you’ve said and the ball is in their court all you do is wait and see how the game plays out.
Confrontation is never easy but it’s sometimes a necessary step if progress is to be made.
Inadequacy
noun: inadequacy; plural noun: inadequacies
- the state or quality of being inadequate; lack of the quantity or quality required. Incompetence, incapability, unfitness, ineffectiveness, inefficacy, lack of skill, lack of proficiency, ineptness, uselessness, hopelessness, impotence, powerlessness.
As of recently, feelings of personal inadequacy have emerged with an army of discouraging thoughts to go with it. Most days I’ll feel like I’m in a box and the walls are closing in around me. Most days I feel like trash. Most days I feel that’s how others see me as well – trash. Today the feelings are: insignificant, useless, hopeless, confused, ignored, restless, miserable and most importantly misunderstood.
A few hours ago I found myself taking a particular interest in a subject that pertained to someone else. Someone who completely disregards my existence along with others around them (or so it feels). For years these feelings of inadequacy have surrounded me but lately the feelings have grown to be more intense I suppose. I’ve never fought back and I’ve allowed perceptions to be what others want them to be rather than taking a stand for the truth and what is right. I’ve never been the type to care about what people thought or how I was seen through someone else’s eyes. I’ve never fought to clear my name.
My mother always told me it’s not good to not completely care what anyone thinks.
I still don’t care much but with certain individuals it’s hard not to. It’s not even so much that I crave acceptance because I have never been the kind to yearn for being accepted in a group per se, but it’s the fact that attitudes and behaviors steered my way have left me with many questions as to what I have ever done to deserve that.
In my teenage years I spent a lot of time feeling not as important as everyone else. For years those feelings of despair affected how I put myself out there boldly in doing things that I knew for sure wouldn’t get me overlooked, it affected how I went about relationships and even simple friendships. It affected how I acted on social media platforms and one day all the running I did finally caught up to me.
Now that I’m older fast forwarding years into the future I think I’ve done well accepting life for what it is. I’ve grown comfortable with solitude. Now I feel that I’m back to the time in my life where everyone judged before they knew. People assume and accuse and those assumptions and accusations spread like wild fire. A ripple effect if we must label it as such. The difference with this time and the past is I have given people nothing to speculate from. Which has led to the confusion I feel today.
I’m not even sure if it’s speculations or that I am just completely overlooked. Nothing about me appeals to these people. Not even my mere existence. Facing that reality for what it is is depressing for lack of a better term.
These people have the ability to strip me of my sanity and everything I’ve worked for when it comes to my mental health and I refuse to go down without a fight this time.
I will not hold my tongue for anyone.
Keith Urban
Making Something Out Of Nothing 